Addiction is such a powerful experience. It feels so good. There is no part of it that feels wrong. At first. I went down the Benzo rabbit hole in my 30s. I loved those pills. I didn't feel high. I felt nothing which is all I wanted. I didn't want to feel anything and these little gifts from god solved everything. At first. Then my body started to breakdown. My panic attacks became near constant and my body buzzed like I was being electrocuted. My then wife helped me navigate getting off them because no doctor would even admit they were the source of my issues. What I realized after it was all over was the addiction wasn't me chasing a feeling. It was chasing the numbness.
I record myself as I walk. Sometimes people hear me.
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