Description

Van Helsing (2004) is a movie. John is quite certain of this. He finished it — eventually — after a viewing process he described as "almost breaking" him across 2.5 days. Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale fight Dracula, thousands of unexplained bat-baby offspring, Frankenstein's monster, and the concept of consistent tone, all within a single two-hour-plus runtime. The CGI is very much of its era. Dracula is played as three different characters stitched into one cape. The Vatican monster-hunting agency is a brilliant concept that goes nowhere. Hugh Jackman is completely the right casting. Kate Beckinsale is not. The friar is the only character who understands what film he's in. The Angel Gabriel twist is dropped as a single line and never revisited. The result of all this: the Film Composer Death Bracket. John is never watching Van Helsing again.

SHOW NOTES

Film: Van Helsing (2004)

Director: Stephen Sommers

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh as Dracula

Topics covered:

• The opening Mr. Hyde vs. Van Helsing sequence (first red flag)
• - The Vatican monster-hunting Q department — great concept, wasted
• - Dracula's performance problem (three tones simultaneously)
• - Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale's notable lack of chemistry
• - The Angel Gabriel twist (mentioned once, never developed)
• - Vampire bat babies — a lore choice nobody approved
• - The friar — the only character in the right film
• - Van Helsing directly inspired the Film Composer Death Bracket

Fast Facts:

• John consumed the film across 2.5 days and nearly did not recover
• - Stephen Sommers also directed The Mummy (1999) — a significantly better film
• - "No Van Helsing" is now permanently tattooed across John's heart

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