What an adventure I had moments before the show. In my usual scatter-brained, fluster-fest I reached into the sleeve of my laptop bag where the rundown is kept and didn’t feel it in there. Instead of actually looking in the sleeve, with the hopes that perhaps the pages had sank to the bottom, I assumed I’d forgotten the script at home. For those unfamiliar with Las Vegas geography it’s very spread out here. Home is about 25-minutes from the show. It’s 6:57 PM and we go live at 8:00 PM. Can I make it? Turns out I could. Just one problem… the script was in my bag the whole time. Long story short, I returned to the show annoyed, but we got up and running — despite an ill-timed Windows 7 update and configuration — and were on the air without a hitch.
The trouble was worth it though as the stories on today’s show were of the utmost importance. For example, we start off with the big news of the past week, GRAND THEFT AUTO V’s release. At this point, we may be the only five guys in the world who don’t own this game right now. I’ve been monitoring its game play on Twitch.tv and I gotta say, it looks amazing! As always with Rockstar’s crown jewel title, they put a lot of work into an expansive map, the range of vehicles, planes and boats you can drive and of course, the characters and dialogue.
In New York, GTA hysteria hit three men like a hooker on a Los Santos sidewalk. They decided to impersonate cops in order to skip a line of fans about 500 people deep. And they might’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for all those pesky stop signs. Apparently in their eagerness to get home and start their murderous video game mayhem, they made an illegal U-turn and ran several stop signs. They were pulled over and when it was revealed what they’d done to obtain the game, they were arrested for impersonating police officers along with their numerous traffic violations.
A couple of big stories out of Hollywood to tell you about. First up, is the title and release date of the fourth JURASSIC PARK film. JURASSIC WORLD will stomp into theaters June 12th, 2015. It’s about damned time! How many times have we gotten our hopes up for this movie? How many years has it been since part three? How many fake, leaked synopses and scripts have we run across online? Well, lets hope they were fake. The last one, which we talked about on a previous show had a terrible storyline involving an elite dinosaur soldier team or something. And with that, we try and drum up our own awful plot for this next dino-riffic adventure. Lets hope we’re way off.
Nicolas Cage is out and Kelsey Grammer is in on THE EXPENDABLES 3. The news came last week that Cage has decided to opt out of the next 80s action film throwback. I’m picturing Frasier Crane and finding it difficult to see Grammer as a rough, grizzled mercenary. Then again, he was the big, blue, hairy, beast in X-MEN.
Whenever we hear about a celebrity sex tape we always throw out names for what it should be called. And with the news that former child actress, Tami Erin, known ONLY for her role as Pippi Longstocking, has such a tape and is actually wanting to release it, we offer a few witty suggestions for what she can call it. Jabari’s is a bit of a stretch. But mine, I’m proud to say, is the winner. Tune in to hear it!
In New York, a high-end culinary store is offering the world’s most perfect ice cube… apparently. They’re designed for use with premium liquor. If this ice melts in your Scotch, it won’t effect the flavor because it has something called a “zero-taste profile”. Whatever the hell that is. The 2.5-inch cubes are hand carved and should last about a half-hour in your drink. You’ve already coughed up a pretty penny for that top-shelf booze, so why not for the ice that chills it? Ten of these cubes will set you back $75! And that’s if you buy them in the store. They gotta be shipped overnight if you order them online and that’s an extra $30! We discuss the implications of diluted drinks and who just might be buying, Gläce as they’re called.
In our never-ending quest to better your life, in all of its aspects, we once again have come across a product meant to improve your bowel movements. There’s been several featured on the show like One Wipe Charlies and the Squatty Potty just to name some recent ones. Now we introduce you to Poo-Pourri. Combined with the other two I mentioned, this product could create the ultimate trifecta of pooping perfection. It sounds like an air freshening spray doesn’t it? Well, not quite. How it works may surprise you. We’ll tell you about it in another edition of JENKEM WATCH.
And lastly, in China a man is facing criminal charges after he allegedly tricked a woman into thinking her vagina was haunted and the only way to expel the spirits was to impel her Casper-filled clam… with his penis! I guess this guy’s member is some sort of mushroom-tipped Proton Pack. You man remember the Ghostbusters charged the hotel five grand to remove Slimer. This guy came in cheaper than them, but you’ll still be spooked by how much he charged this chick to basically bang her out.
Due to my schedule, there won’t be a show next week. I know, we just came back from a week off. I’ll make it up to ya. When we return October 6th, we’ll have all-new shows every week for the rest of the year! That includes our 6th anniversary show, our Halloween special (doing something totally different this year) and our end-of-the-year recap.
New DVD Releases for Tuesday, September 24th:
Iron Man 3
Modern Family (Season 4)
Family Guy (Volume 11)
Doctor Who (Series 7)
Hawaii Five-O (Season 3)
South Park (Season 16)
Redemption
Hannibal
Good Burger
Cody the Robosapien
Show Links:
Grand Theft Auto V
NY Daily News: Men Impersonate Cops To Skip GTA V Line
USA TODAY: ‘Jurassic World’ heads to theaters in June 2015
?Universal Pictures
“The Expendables 3″ on IMDb
Kelsey Grammer on IMDb
TMZ.com: ‘Pippi Longstocking’ Sex Tape
Poo-Pourri – Spray the bowl before you go and know one else will ever know
Heard In This Week’s Open:
Rain Man
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Dumb and Dumber
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
National Lampoon’s Van Wilder
