Tantrums are common when a child feels disconnected from their parent. It can be their way of crying out for a closer connection. During the grieving process a child’s fear of being abandoned or lost intensifies, and this manifests in separation anxiety – when the parent leaves the room or, the home for a short period of time, they may have what we call a tantrum.
This is probably my number 1 referral issue, and as I write in my book, Helping Children Cope with Loss and Change, tantrums are really just signals – a child’s way of flagging up to an adult that their emotional needs are not being met.
In the episode, I talk about the 10 ways of looking afresh at tantrums. As always, this means looking below the surface, and understanding what’s really going on.
Here are 3 top tips for handing a tantrum:
1/ Re-establish your connection.
Spend what GP Dr Rachel Pinney called ‘special time’ with your child using a skill she called, ‘creative listening’. Special time enables you to connect with your child, and helps them to feel secure, and safe. This is time well spent because your child’s emotional temperature, which has raged during their tantrum, will start to come down, as they feel that connection with you.
Aim to set aside up to 1 hour each day (30 minutes at the least) playing with your child. Listen to what they want to play with, and follow their lead. Praise them often, which reassures, and comforts them.
2/ Avoid making punitive threats of all kinds!
• Stop being silly, stupid, annoying, aggravating etc.
• If you do that again, X will happen.
• I’m going to count to 3.
• Mummy/Daddy would be so cross to see you doing this.
• Everyone is looking at us, stop embarrassing us.
3/ Helpful phrases are ones that help you to maintain your connection:
• I’m right here.
• I know it’s hard.
• I’m listening.
• I love you.
• I’m with you.
With thanks to Patty Wipfler and Tosha Schore, authors of Listen: five simple tools to meet your everyday parenting challenges for inspiring parts of this episode.
Copyright Amanda Seyderhelm
www.amandaseyderhelm.com
Twitter @The KidDecoder
Instagram @amandaseyderhelm
Purchase my book Helping Children Cope with Loss and Change
