Oh Void. . . , let me tell you a tale of so much that could go oh so right, and went so so wrong. Young, shirtless, Gerard Butler is Dracula, stuck in a coffin under the watchful eyes of Christopher Plummer, NOT Abraham Van Helsing, "MATTHEW Van Helsing." We've got Mary, portrayed by a carboard cutout, Dracula scribbling Aramaic like some 90's tagger, and Val reporting FROM A SWAMP OF DEATH!!! Was this movie terrible? Absolutely, but there were small pieces of enjoyment i.e. kicking crosses, guns that shouldn't work, and atheist vampires. Ultimately, it takes an intervention from alcohol and RuPaul's Drag Race to keep this episode fresh.
Dracula, Shantay you stay. Van Helsing, sashay away.