If I am blaming someone else, it means that it feels too painful for me to acknowledge and own what I cannot admit to myself. It feels like a cop out (or shameful to feel shame) to put the responsibility onto someone else- but then I am still feeling unresolved… and ultimately still stuck. The reason it feels so violating to be on the receiving end of blame is because it completely crosses a boundary for personal responsibility and accountability on the sender side and can feel triggering and unexpected. It also feels yucky because the receiver falls into the set up of how the sender feels. It can feel unpleasant to feel how someone else is setting you up to feel and to know that it doesn't belong to you. Others "set you up to feel" how they’re feeling so that they can feel more understood and met. If I am blaming, I am demonstrating that I have no skills to acknowledge the magnitude of what is presenting itself to me- let alone own this part of me within myself. When I feel shame: I feel small, embarrassed, ugly, excluded, worthless, abandoned, unimportant, humiliated, conflicted in my identity and wanting to hide. Parents usually use negative consequences such as yelling, threatening, punishing, bribing or other manipulative tactics to try to get their children to do exactly what they want when they are feeling threatened themselves. They are likely feeling insecure, angry and scared to be further rejected by their children, so instead- they threaten their power using control so that they can sense an illusion of security. Some parents even think that ignoring the behavior that they do not want to experience will make it go away. This is still a form of CONTROL. Ignoring DOES NOT WORK and can actually hurt deep bonds with our children. When harmful behavior arises, it is important to set effective boundaries that will allow you to stay present and also keep everyone safe. How can we still lean into this and set firm directive boundaries WHILE sharing our emotional experience? http://www.magicmomentsplay.com
