If we aspire to have satisfying and healthy relationships with others, our foundation will be to first have a good relationship with ourselves. That requires that we have solid self-knowledge: an understanding of who we are, as well as how we act. The first focuses inward, on things such as what we value and what we believe. The second focuses outward, to describe how we treat others, and how we engage with the world around us.
We can acquire self-knowledge through introspection, in which we quiet ourselves enough to be in touch with our honestly-assessed beliefs and feelings. We can also gain self-knowledge by using those who care for us as compassionate but honest "mirrors", to provide us with feedback about how others perceive and experience us.
Pursuing self-knowledge is worthwhile (and even essential) because it gives us choice: the ability to choose who and how we want to be, without the possibly-misleading influence of others telling us how we "should" be. As adults, we can give ourselves the liberty of what I call "re-choicing", in which we can set aside traits, behaviors and beliefs that don't serve us, and adopt those that better reflect who we want to be.
Once we truly know ourselves--- our mind and heart and soul--- we will know what sort of people are likely to be good compatible partners for us. We'll have greatly reduced our risk of chasing mirages (relationships that really don't "fit" us, and which may in fact be damaging to either ourselves, or our partner, or both). We'll be ready to be open and to share ourselves fully with our partner(s). We'll be ready for deep human connection.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds a PhD in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS), as well as a Professional Sex Coach certification from Sex Coach U. Dr. Claude is passionate about promoting and supporting deep human connection. He develops and delivers workshops and other events regarding that topic, as well as being available for individual and couples intimacy coaching. He can be contacted at claude@twoopendoors.com.
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