When I chat with moms of autistics or any child with special needs, I commonly hear how isolating it can be for them. Boy, I get that! When you raise a neurotypical child, your path is very different for many reasons.
As a clinician, I taught parenting groups successfully for over 20 years. Interventions are very different for families of autistics. I practically threw many of those methods out the window with my own son.
Many of my parent friends of children with special needs do not go to other people’s homes. In fact, they fear going to visit family during the holidays for the fear of something getting broken or others not understanding their parenting methods or even their child’s unusual behaviors.
Parents of autistics often hear, “Can’t you spank the autism out of him or if my child did that..”
Instead, it is easier for them to just stay home and avoid the public or family’s judgments. It’s not healthy for human beings to isolate. We naturally need others whether we realize it or not.
When I got married, I moved to a new city. I got pregnant quickly. My husband was an engineer, and I was practicing at the time so there was little time to make friends in our new city. I made friends easily in the past but worked all the time. Most of our church family had adult children.
Being an older mom in my 40’s, my parents had passed away and other family was hours away. I decided to join a mom group. That did not go as I had hoped due to the age differences.
Also, many of the moms didn’t understand why I was testing my son for autism when he simply wasn’t talking. I would hear things like, “Oh, don’t worry. He’s not autistic. My son did that too. Oh, my son walked on his tippy toes and lined up cars. It’s no big deal.”
Looking back, they were just trying to be helpful, but pretending it wasn’t true was anything but helpful. Not everyone is a fit for your community and that is okay. We have challenges that others do not understand. Support is essential. So who we choose to be in our community is important for our own and our familial wellness.
My husband and I managed to make it through the diagnosis and get early intervention regardless of the nay sayers. Locally, our main support was from my son’s treatment team. They were wonderful but we needed more than professional supports.
During the pandemic, my husband and I had medical emergencies two months apart. It is by the grace of God that we are here today. It was pretty dire for a few months.
During this time, my son’s behaviors worsened due to the impact of the pandemic and me being in and out of the hospital. After my husband’s medical emergency, I realized how hard it was to find someone that could watch my son in an instance.
Like many of you, we did not have babysitters with the skillset to safely watch an autistic. I made it to the hospital in time for the ER doctor to meet me in the parking lot to tell me they were taking my husband to emergency surgery.
Shortly after, someone lovingly said, you need others. You need more! They were right.
How do moms of autistics find their community?
In terms of developing a support system, I wish there was a perfect calculation for this. But we are all so different. Our personalities, locations, and so many other things factor into this. What I do know is that it is not impossible. It once seemed so impossible for me until it wasn’t.
So my method of gaining community might look very different from yours. The point is that it can happen, and it should. You deserve it! My life is so different now.
In my Thrive VIP Program, I help other moms of autistics develop their supportive community that is the best fit for them.
