Why do so many couples stay stuck in the same painful patterns—even when they say they want change? In this episode of The Voyage Cast, Ed unpacks the hidden force called secondary gain: the subtle rewards we get from staying in dysfunction.
From avoiding conflict by scrolling on your phone, to blaming your partner so you never have to look in the mirror, to clinging to comfort, finances, or social image—the payoffs of pain are real. And they’re often what keep marriages circling the same arguments for years.
Drawing on real therapy work, cultural examples like Succession’s Shiv and Tom, and insights from the docuseries Couples Therapy, Ed shows why repair stalls until these “hidden benefits” are named. Because you can’t heal what you’re still profiting from.
Whether you’re married, dating, or reflecting on past relationships, this conversation will challenge you to see the subtle ways you might be protecting pain instead of pursuing intimacy.
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