In this episode Joelle and Gillian talk about a strategy to support students who are seeking a connection from a teacher in which they have some kind of status or privilege that is atypical. This pattern often comes up among students who do not have the basic human need met of feeling special in some part of their lives. Sometimes this pattern comes up when students have family lives outside of school in which their parents are overwhelmed, the student is in foster care, or the student feels anxious about parental well-being. This can also come up when school-based trauma like bullying is happening for a student. In such cases, they may seek the grounding of special connection from the teacher without knowing what is driving their actions. This dynamic can also occur if the student feels chronically unsuccessful in school academically and socially. This pattern may begin with the student seeking out positive connection, being extra helpful, and being very charming. When the teacher inevitably sets a reasonable boundary for their relationship with the student, this can feel like a deep rejection rather than a helpful limit setting, as might be expected. When this felt rejection occurs, teachers may be surprised by a shift in the student’s engagement or behavior. The student may seek their attention through escalation rather than helpfulness. Recognizing that the student may need to feel special and creating a path to meet that need in a predictable and relatively insignificant manner can shift the dynamic to be one in which the student gets a regular reassuring dose and the teacher is not overwhelmed by needs inspired by factors outside of their control. Joelle and Gillian discuss scenarios and give fun examples for this approach.
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