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We talk today with Sarah Naish, the CEO of the Center of Excellence in Child Trauma and founder of the National Association of Therapeutic Parents. She is the author of The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting and The A-Z of Survival Strategies for Therapeutic Parents. She is the adoptive mom to a sibling group of 5 who are now adults and she has fostered over 40 kids.
In this episode, we discuss:
- Why are some kids harder to parent and why especially are kids who have experienced trauma, including prenatal trauma, often harder to parent?
- Understanding the cause of the behavior is the root of parenting harder to parent kids.
- Establish the basics to make their lives predictable so they can feel safe and grow and heal. The elements for establishing this base:
- Routines
- Establish yourself as a safe base-empathetic and nurturing but in control
- Respond to the child, not to the child’s demand
- Be honest about their story, contact, etc. – be factual, but don’t fill in the gaps
- Establish strong, clear boundaries- what to do when these boundaries are crossed?
- Use natural or life consequences
- Our kids may not recognize cause and effect.
- Early trauma, including prenatal exposure, can hinder a child’s ability to recognize cause and effect
- Our kids may be developmentally younger than their chronological years which also impacts understanding.
- Natural consequences help children recognize that they can make an impact on the world-helps them make sense of the world
- Combine natural consequences with nurturance.
- How to handle incidents when they happen. PARENTS model.
- Pause-to allow you to respond with intention not emotion.
- Assess-is anyone in danger or serious damage.
- Reflection-quick reflection to identify the trigger.
- Empathize rather than ask questions
- use empathetic commentary-
- respond to their feelings rather than the behavior.
- Nurture-examples of nurturing in the heat of the moment.
- Think about next action to take.
- What strategies might I use to resolve this? Do you need to do anything else?
- How can we avoid this situation in the future?
- Self-care
- Other parenting strategies for harder to parent kids. Other tools for your toolkit.
- Identify your triggers.
- Set realistic expectations.
- Use silliness or playfulness.
- Remove the audience.
- Help kids show they are sorry rather than demand they say they are sorry.
- The phone strategy.
- Watch what the child is doing rather than what she is saying.
- Payback time.
- Admit it when you made a mistake.
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