Today’s episode, I want to dig into disrespect. This episode was very vulnerable for me to record. I wavered on publishing it but I'm trying to not hold back this year. This is my truth and I hope it helps someone out there.
I know I have talked about leveling up and things like that but I want to go into some of the things that led me to really treat myself poorly. My drinking was a direct result of a lot of this.
Bottom line: I didn’t love myself. I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t trust myself.
"I didn't trust myself" - I wasn’t honest:
- I lied to others and myself. If I didn’t like something, I would be passive-aggressive and conveniently forget or do what I wanted.
- I projected what I thought others wanted me to be. Then would resent them for it.
- I wouldn’t stand up for myself. I kept my mouth shut to keep the peace.
- I surrounded myself with people who were quick to withhold information or lie. They didn’t trust me and I didn’t trust them.
"I didn't believe in myself" - Boundaries: I didn’t have any. I let others define them for me.
- No sense of self: If I wasn’t the “good child,” the older more together sister, the unassuming girlfriend, the go with the flow friend then I wasn’t good
- I would react to others boundaries and thought that I deserved everything that happened
- I never knew how to say no
- I would hold or take on others pain/frustration
- I would allow people to treat me horribly because I thought my job was to hold their shit. I was used to walking around on eggshells – I understood that.
- I wouldn’t cry
- I would disassociate frequently – still do, sometimes (also, it's fight, flight or fright)
"I didn't love myself" - I didn’t cherish my body: I would let anything happen to it.
- I wasn’t raised to value myself. I was told often that there was something wrong with me. I emotionally ate when we moved back to the states and I’ve always had an issue with my weight.
- I’d starve myself to be thin.
- Extended family members would insult me and call me names after awhile I internalized it
- I would get traumatized and then use food or booze to escape and pile on the weight
- I put myself last.
- I’d put myself in situations with people who would use my body or ME for their benefit. I’m not proud of this but I didn’t know any better. I would rarely be sober.
If any of the things I outlined resonate with you, just sit with it. Come back to it, if it's too intense but don't push it away or bury it.
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