Heal in place. Fill your still. Codependency. During these very scary times, I am creating mini-podcasts to share the resources I used on my healing journey in a more direct way. Most of us may be sheltering in place –with no distractions and also no escape. If you are like the old erratically busy me…this “stillness” may be torture. If you have woken up and are searching for a path to recovery or already on a healing journey…I truly hope these mini-podcasts resonate. I try to cover a lot of ground in a succinct way so you can heal in place and fill your still. This minipodcast is dedicated to Darlene Lancer as she was a very valuable resource for me on my healing journey.
“Codependency…is learned inaccurate information…that you are not enough, that you don’t matter, that your feelings are wrong, or that you don’t deserve respect. These are the false beliefs that most codependents are raised with…and is usually handed down for generations”. ~Darlene Lancer
Codependency is when you take on the burden of fixing something in someone else's life that is their responsibility. Children develop their sense of identity, identify their values, and learn how to communicate and express their needs and feelings based on parental interaction. Parents play a large role in shaping who and what their child becomes in life. Codependent children lack a positive, nurturing parent-child relationship. They lack confidence to succeed and many don't feel accepted. Codependency is just a poor coping strategy. When I felt anxious about my life, codependency allowed me to “feel in control” by distracting me from my pain and unresolved issues. We take responsibility for other people and try to carry them along, even if the weight of their problems is enormous. What we are really trying to do is get the person to stop acting in ways that trigger our own insecurities. Trying to achieve an increased sense of safety, I was sure things would get better once I ”fixed” them.
I was suffocatingly over-connected to my mom and stepdad and constantly afraid of disappointing them and making them angry. This prevented me from ever knowing myself. I wasn’t allowed or encouraged to explore my own interests or discover who I was. Codependent children learn to suppress who we are to please others and avoid conflicts. In adulthood, we tend to stay enmeshed or focus on other people such that we really don’t know who we are, what we like, or what we want. I was defined by the parentified role I had to play growing up. Recovery meant learning about who I was supposed to be and what I wanted out of life.
Darlene Lancer
https://www.whatiscodependency.com/
