What is trust, really? In the first 20 minutes, we settle on this loose definition:
- Trust is about safety. You know what needs to be put in place for you to feel safe.
- If you feel the need to put them in place yourself (because if you don't, you won't be safe), that's the antithesis of you trusting someone.
- If you believe the other person will/has put those things in place on their own (such that you don't feel the need to do it yourself), that equals you trusting them.
Where do you place your trust, and why do you place it there?
Reasons Ryan has extended trust in the past (which isn't the same as trusting them):
- Conflict aversion. If I tell someone I don't trust them, they'll take it as me questioning their character, may become offended, and might hurt me. So I've extended trust to people I didn't trust, to avoid conflict.
- Outsourcing self. I know that I'm not trustworthy my default. Just like love, respect, value affirmation, etc., if I find something lacking within myself, I look for others to affirm it for me. I wanted people to trust me to compensate for my lack of trustworthiness, and the best way to get trust is to give it.
One component of Tribalism is Implied Trust - meaning, it can be assumed that anyone in a given tribe has a certain set of things in common. So, if you vet people's trustworthiness based on certain characteristics, and you find they belong to a certain tribe, that one piece of information implies a whole collection of boxes you could reasonably check in the "do I trust them" checklist (i.e. if you're in my tribe, I find you more trustworthy because it's assumed that the characteristics of people in my tribe are things I've found trustworthy).
When someone knows you well and loves you well, it doesn't occur to them to get offended at the prospect of you being who you are.
- If they love you well but don't know you well, they love a nonexistent version of you that only exists in their head, such that the idea of being your true self can seem like a threat to the relationship.
- If they know you well but don't love you well, they likely harbor some level of attachment to you becoming the version of you they imagine they would love more.
TIME CODES:
13:17 - Why Ryan extends trust
24:00 - Tribalism and Trust
29:19 - Trust yourself most
42:04 - How is success in relationship defined? (spoiler, it's not longevity)
45:04 - ANNOUNCEMENT: This is our last season!
57:18 - Ryan epiphanizes the idea of extending too much benefit of the doubt
GRATITUDES:
- Ryan is grateful for the editor/illustrator who worked on his first book with him.
- Abby is grateful her dogs, for teaching her patience and empathy, and also for giving her a new form of connective stillness practice.
MODEETS:
🤦♂️🤷♀️🥔
