Today, we’re focusing on being on the same page as your coparent with limits and consequences.
You’ll Learn:
Our goal with a feelings-first parenting model is to hold our kids accountable in a calm, mutually respectful way. We want to help them to regulate their emotions and take responsibility for their actions without lashing out, hurting or shaming our kids.
But what can you do when you and your coparent don’t handle limits and consequences the same way?
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In last week’s episode, we talked about what it means to be on the same page as your coparent, particularly when it comes to self-regulation and connection with your kids. Today, we’re focusing on being on the same page with limits and consequences.
Our goal with a feelings-first parenting model is to hold our kids accountable in a calm, mutually respectful way. We want to help them to regulate their emotions and take responsibility for their actions without lashing out, hurting or shaming our kids.
But what can you do when you and your coparent don’t handle limits and consequences the same way?
You and your coparent will fall into one of three scenarios. Based on your situation, there are different conversations, approaches and tools you can use to guide your parenting.
Once you’ve determined that you’re on the same page with your parenting values, goals and approach, you also have to figure out how you’ll stay on the same page.
Getting on the same page. The first step here is talking about your values as parents, which you can learn more about in last week’s episode. Next, talk about what happens if you notice that your kids are off track, especially if you find yourself arguing about the behavior.
When you notice off track behavior, have a connection conversation about the pattern that you’ve seen. It’s really important that neither of you are judging or getting defensive in this conversation. Lean into curiosity - What do you think is going on? Why do you think they’re acting this way? What’s happening underneath? What do they need?
You might realize that this is more of an emotional issue. Maybe your child needs some more skills around managing their feelings or there is an emotional need that isn’t being met. A lot of times if you meet the emotional need of a behavior, you can kind of the behavior lessens. You might also find that you need to set a limit around the behavior.
Staying on the same page. What will you do when your coparent gets off track? I recommend that, as long as the coparent isn't being explosive or hurtful, you let it play out. Be a compassionate witness, notice what’s going on with your coparent and with your kid and get curious about why.
Then, later on when everyone is calm, talk to your coparent about what happened. Again, you aren’t bringing it up to criticize or blame. The goal is to evaluate, problem solve and troubleshoot. Go through the steps of the Calm Mama Process (Calm, Connect, Limit Set, Correct) and pinpoint where the issue was and how you can solve for it.
These conversations are what help you do the fine-tuning to move you closer to your parenting...
