On today’s episode, we’re talking about child-led versus values-led parenting. Last week, I walked you through how to define your family values, and this week we’re putting them into practice - letting them be your guide in parenting.
You’ll Learn:
Leading with your values lets you feel good about the “why” behind your choices, set boundaries that actually work, and keep your family on track with where you want to go. Listen to learn how.
🎁As a special gift to my listeners, I’m also giving you a FREE Defining Your Family Values worksheet. Click here to get yours now.
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As a parent, you're faced with a lot of decisions, and it might not always be clear what you should do. It’s easy to make an emotional decision in the moment that you might not love when you look back on it later.
Over the past ten years or so, we’ve heard a lot about how feelings matter, and we need to validate our kids’ feelings. This is completely true and important. And it’s led to a lot of child-led parenting.
Where parents get confused is knowing what to do with those feelings after we validate them. Are we supposed to give in?
Child-led parenting is sometimes called horizontal attachment. You and your child are essentially on the same level when it comes to decision making. You are focused on your child’s feelings and what they think of you. You want them to like you, so it’s harder to set limits and hold boundaries.
Parents using the approach often want to give in so that their kid feels good. They let the child decide what they're doing, what they're getting, and how they're acting. It is a form of permissive parenting.
Values-led parenting falls under the category of vertical attachment. Here, you are the guide, mentor, leader in the relationship. There is some type of hierarchy, and the kids are not in charge.
Let’s say your child is on a sports team, and they’re sad because they don’t get a lot of playing time. They don’t want to go to practices or games anymore. They want to quit.
In a child-led household, you might let them give up because of the way they’re feeling.
In a values-led household, you might remind them that one of your family values is commitment, so they are expected to finish out the season. Values like integrity, reliability, and teamwork could also apply. You can say, “We’re going to continue to do this even if you’re uncomfortable. I believe in you. I know you can handle it.” There’s still room for lots of love and compassion, even as you hold your boundary.
In the short term, child-led parenting can feel really good. You get the perceived feeling of being liked or loved by your child.
The problem is that kids miss out on opportunities to grow in your values, to trust you, and to build resilience. Kids learn about themselves when they have to work through hard things.
Low Self Esteem. The increase in child-led or feelings-led parenting is even leading to a self-esteem crisis in kids. They haven’t been given the opportunity to learn to handle discomfort and work through that emotion.
Life is full of hard and frustrating things. Plans change. We have to wait. We don’t get things that...
