Who better to talk about strategies for grandparents, than one of the best grandparents I know? I’m so excited to have my mother-in-law, Judie Childress, on the podcast with me today talking all about how parenting has changed over the years and what happens when the worlds of parenting and grandparenting collide.
You’ll Learn:
In most cases, grandparents likely aren’t trying to control you and your family. They love you and your kids. They worry about you and want the best for all of you. Learn how to include them in your parenting journey.
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Judie and her husband raised their kids with a more traditional parenting style. She explains that in those days, there was no parenting class. You parented your kids the way that you were parented. It truly was a tradition that was passed down from generation to generation.
As parents, we’re all doing the best we can with what we know. And for the most part, kids raised with a traditional parenting model turn out okay. The problem comes in when it works on the outside (managing behavior), but the inside sometimes doesn’t get the same support. You might grow up to be successful and know how to function in the world but still lack emotional awareness. It can also erode the relationship between parent and child and the relationship your child has with themself.
When my kids were young and I was starting to get into compassionate parenting, Judie says there were a few incidents, times when her traditional parenting style was not working, that made her a believer. She realized that she needed a new way of communicating that wouldn’t lead to explosive episodes with the kids. She also shares that she would get really triggered when the kids blew up because she still had things to work through herself.
Judie says that our feelings “don't just evaporate. They get buried in us, and they stay with us until we can deal with them, or they come up again somehow.” She sees how, even as adults, people try to keep their feelings below the surface because nobody ever taught them what to do with them.
Often, grandparents struggle because they still feel the need to parent their child (you) to teach you how to parent your own child. They’re still thinking that it’s their job to teach you how to be, what to do and how to live.
If you’re seeking advice or trying things that are outside of your parent’s experience or values, they might feel that they’re being disrespected. They might fear that you’re being too permissive or that you and your kid are going down the wrong path.
And it’s true that traditional and compassionate parenting look different from each other. Behavior modification is quicker with traditional strategies of rewards, bribes, threats, disconnection or fear. With compassionate parenting, you often don’t get immediate compliance. It’s a slower, longer game.
In Judie's view, if you want your parents or in-laws to understand this new way of parenting, the best thing is to live it out in front of them. Let them see the way you interact with your kids and how you handle big feelings and behaviors when they come up.
Another thing that can be helpful for grandparents to understand is that this is not a feelings-only model (aka permissive parenting). We address feelings first and behavior second. After getting calm and...
