Description

Episode Title: “Relationship Chaos” By Tracy Kenela, M.A., LMHC, CRC, CEDS, ACHT of Lokahi Counseling

Intro: Tracy Kenela is the founder of Lokahi Counseling and Calming the Chaos Podcast. In this episode, Tracy interviews Psychologist Jared DeFife of Dynamic Counseling and Consulting in Atlanta, Georgia. Dr. DeFife offers help to those who are struggling with being in a relationship where one or both partners struggle with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Jared and Tracy discuss ADHD, how it can present as chaos in relationships, and how the relationship chaos can be effectively managed.

1. About Jared: He’s a psychologist in Atlanta Georgia, “Recovering Academic” and has been doing private practice for 6 years now. He struggles with ADHD himself, and specializes in offering help to those who struggle with ADHD.  

1. What is it like to have ADHD?  
2. 1. Driving a car through a rainstorm without windshield wipers
   2. Operating online with a thousand browser tabs open (and one of them is playing music)
   3. Navigating a grocery store without having a plan
   4. “The Runaway Brain”  (when you lose your train of thought!) – Hopefully it will come back! Or…..it may just run away and it’s more difficult to put the brakes on.

1. What is ADHD
2. 1. It’s NOT about a deficit of attention (it is an over-abundance)
   2. May or may not include hyperactivity
   3. Can include inattentiveness
   4. Symptoms fall in 3 realms

1. Inattentiveness (concentration problems)
2. Hyperactivity or restlessness (internal OR external), mind racing

• Impulsivity (verbal and behavioral) i.e. driving a car too fast, spending, overeating, etc.)

1. It’s a complex neurodevelopmental disorder that affects executive functioning center of the brain; the self-managing, conductor of the trainof the brain, and carries through the lifespan
2. It is a “heritable” condition – one of the most genetically heritable conditions (so you can inherit it)

1. Relationships, ADHD and Chaos: Some of the signs
2. 1. Chris Rock: “You’re not dating that person, you’re dating their representative!”
   2. A lot of excess drive, stimulation, motivation at the beginning of a relationship
   3. “I met this charming guy who was wonderful when we first dated, but then we moved in together and he disappeared!”
   4. A lot of hyper-focus on the relationship at first
   5. When regular life sets in (paying bill on times remembering an anniversary, buying gifts, planning a dinner date, figuring out what to watch on TV, making the bed, doing the laundry, etc.)
   6. Forgetting important things, being overly focused on things that are not important, or cannot make decision.

1. Problems that can occur with ADHD and Executive Functioning:

1. Activation and Organization: “The ignition switch in the car” that helps you get going doesn’t work properly.
2. Focus: An Inability to focus on homework, but they CAN focus on a video game where there is a lot of action and many rewards.
3. Alertness: It takes more effort to be aware. There may also be sleep problems, and problems waking up. “The driver in the car is awake at night and asleep during the day.”
4. Emotion: Difficulties regulating intense emotions, especially frustration and irritation
5. Memory: Remembering to remember member
6. Action Monitoring: Difficulties monitoring self to do and finish tasks, hard to manage time and monitor action in relationships.

All of these can impact relationships!

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