As any mom, I give up multiple personal opportunities to create opportunities for my children--a truth to which they, at least for now, are quite oblivious. (And to some degree, rightly so; it’s the way of childhood). I have books to write, songs to practice, medical journals to read--I’m practically bursting to do these things--but instead spend mornings in my bathrobe insisting one son does his homework and the other practices and another picks up his toys. It’s my fair trade to make--a willing investment for the future of those I love. Yet, to never pursue anything (or to have nothing to pursue) seems an unhealthy and untrue lesson. (Faithful Nurturing, p. 157)
Motherhood can feel like one very long season, but our kids’ childhood, like an ongoing summer for them, doesn’t have to be our endless winter, with gifts lying dormant for years.
As parents, we spend significant time trying to get our kids to do the worthwhile things we wish we still had time to do. We focus so much on their growth that sometimes we forget our own. We forget that example may be the best teacher anyway.
Ongoing personal growth & creative pursuits not only bring satisfaction, but also increase our endurance and effectiveness in parenting. I’ll begin by asking a question:
What do you love? What gives you energy and makes you feel alive?
So many moms say that they don’t know anymore.
There’s something beautiful about being so dedicated to your family that their wishes and interests become your own. I remember driving in rush hour traffic in Minneapolis (a city they say has only 2 seasons: winter and road construction) and getting genuinely excited to see tractors. I was in the car by myself, and though I don’t have any personal interest in construction vehicles, because my little boys like them, my natural inward reaction was, “Hey look! Tractors!!”
I’m sure you’ve had similar experiences where the only reason you’re investing attention, time, or effort in something is because it’s valued by someone you love, but somehow we need to maintain a primary connection to the things we ourselves love--not only to grow and thrive, but to model healthy adulthood.
In his book “Flow: the psychology of optimal experience,” psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi makes the case that in a state of “flow” we have the greatest enjoyment and do our best work. I believe this applies to parenting as well as anything else. Whether or not we feel “in flow” while parenting specifically OR experience flow states intermittently in other pursuits, it can powerfully sustain us and buffer us against burnout.
So I’ll ask again, what do you love? What naturally brings you into a state of “FLOW”? When you find or discover these things, hold onto them. They’re important keys to your wellbeing, your sense of purpose, and your energy and motivation in every area, including parenting.
I’ll pause here to say that if you go to compassionparenting.com/flow-survey, you can do a quick “flow” assessment and get your copy of the free ebook, “Parenting with FLOW: Reconnecting to Natural Delight, Focus and Productivity.” Sounds nice, doesn’t it?
Now back to our discussion on growth. As parents (and this includes me), we often take one of 3 positions when it comes to personal growth (or perhaps cycle through them):
-[First,] sort of giving up on the idea of growth (thinking there’s no time for it or that it’s some kind of indulgence)
-[Second] pursuing growth in a balanced way (or)
-[Third] pursuing growth in an unbalanced way
Let’s talk about each of these.
You might say, for example, “There’s just no time for me to do anything beyond meeting the daily demands of parenting and...
