“Speak to us of Joy and sorrow,” the poet and philosopher Kahlil Gibran writes.
“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. . . .
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
Our kids bring us so much joy, but because we have fully opened our hearts to them, they can also bring us deep sadness and frustration. There’s so much emotion in family life and often as mothers we carry much of it.
According to a Native American legend, when Woman was created, she was called life-giver-- one who would carry the joys and sorrows of her family. The woman became burdened with this responsibility and cried out to nature. She was overheard by Raven, who carried her message to Grandmother Ocean and Grandmother Moon. The grandmothers worked together to offer a time of monthly cleansing. Thus originated menstruation, sometimes referred to as “moon time,” where all the built-up emotions and burdens could be released.
As parents we can cycle through joy & sorrow in a given day, but also, certain seasons of our parenthood may be weighted more heavily toward one than another. Joy and sorrow (and everything in between)--these are parts of life, but sometimes we receive less joy than is possible & carry more sorrow than necessary.
Why?
Let’s talk first about sorrow. There is true loss which must be processed and endured.
But today we’ll focus on those other sorrows that perhaps we could modify or down-size before trying to carry. I have sudden visions of myself at the grocery store refusing to get a cart and precariously balancing 18 items in my arms on the way to the checkout aisle, or me at the library with a stack of books and no bag. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Let me offer some new tools or “containers” to help us better shoulder the burdens life can bring: wise discernment, non-judgment, and release. They’re all slightly different and you can choose the right one for the job on any given day.
First, wise discernment. In my pediatric behavioral health and wellness clinic, I teach my clients thought catching based on cognitive behavioral therapy principles. Even kids as young as 8 or 9 can learn it, and so can you. Often the thoughts driving our emotions and actions simply aren’t true. When we can be more discerning and accurate in our thinking, we can conserve our emotional energy. For example, one common thought distortion is “all or nothing” thinking. In parenting perhaps it comes out as defining ourselves either as a good mom or a bad mom depending on the circumstance. More accurately you are a dedicated mom who occasionally struggles or falls short. You are in good company.
A different tool is non-judgment, an important component of mindfulness. You may think it contradicts the idea of analysis and discernment, but actually there’s a time and a place for both. Think of it this way. When you’re struggling, sometimes you need a friend who’ll give you advice, sometimes you need a friend who’ll just sit with you. Discernment is like the wise, inspired advice you give yourself, non-judgment is sitting with yourself like a friend. There’s a time and a place for both. When you approach a scenario in a spirit of non-judgment, you shed a layer of suffering that comes from inwardly fighting against “what is.”
In the Buddhist tradition, there is the concept of the “second arrow.” When something difficult happens to us, that’s the first arrow. It may cause pain or injury but it has already struck. If our emotional response to the first injury adds to it (as when we judge...
