Arguments don’t need winners; they need resolution. Andrew and Cat share calm, practical ways to defuse conflict at home, with friends, and at work—so everyone feels seen, heard, and respected.
Big ideas
- Stay calm first. Regulated nervous systems make regulated conversations.
- Listen to understand, not to win. Most “arguments” are unmet needs in disguise.
- Name the real issue. Clarify what the conflict is actually about before debating solutions.
- Feelings + needs > accusations. Use “When you ___, I feel ___; I need ___; could you ___?”
- Define the desired outcome. Agree on “what good looks like” before you continue.
- Two truths can coexist. Your perspectives can both be valid.
- Take breaks at impasses. Timeouts prevent escalation; return when cooler.
- Bring a neutral third party when needed. Therapist, mediator, or trusted friend.
The Fair-Argument Playbook
- Pause & breathe. Lower the temperature (box breathing: 4–4–4–4).
- State intent: “My goal is for us to understand each other and find a solution we both can live with.”
- Clarify the issue: “What do you think this is really about?”
- Reflective listening: “What I’m hearing is… Did I get that right?”
- Share with NVC: “When X happened, I felt Y. What I need is Z. Would you be willing to ___?”
- Outcome check: “By the end of this, I’d love for us to ___.”
- Perspective-swap: Briefly argue the other person’s side to show you get it.
- Agree on next step: One concrete action each.
- If stuck: “Let’s pause for 20–60 minutes and revisit at ___. We’re on the same team.”
Handy scripts
- Red-flag day: “Quick heads-up: I’m low-sleep/overloaded today. If I seem short, it’s not about you.”
- Boundary without blame: “I want to keep talking, and I need a 15-minute reset to stay respectful.”
- Repair after rupture: “I’m sorry for my tone earlier. Your point matters; can we try again?”
For parents & teams
- Ask kids/teammates to share how they’re feeling + what they need (not who’s “right”).
- Normalize check-ins: “What outcome are you hoping for?”
- Celebrate process wins (no interrupting, calm tone, staying on topic), not just “winning.”
When to get help
- Repeating stalemates on big life choices (money, parenting, moving, family size).
- Patterns of contempt, stonewalling, or scorekeeping.
- Bring in a counselor/mediator to create safety and structure.
Resources mentioned
- Nonviolent Communication — Marshall B. Rosenberg (feelings/needs framework)
Glimmers
- Andrew: Watching his son thrive at a first MMA practice—and the respectful community vibe.
- Cat: A surprise flower delivery (courtesy of Andrew and his mom) brightened a tough week.
Keep in touch
Questions, coaching, or topic requests: hello@fiveyearyou.com
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IG: @fiveyearyou
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