If you’ve ever rewritten a simple text 3x, “rescued” the dishwasher, or tried to schedule spontaneity… hi, friend. Andrew and Cat unpack why control feels so necessary (spoiler: anxiety + safety), the hidden costs on your body and relationships, and simple ways to loosen your grip without letting life fall apart.
Big ideas
- Control ≠ safety. It’s often an anxious mind trying to predict pain.
- It’s an illusion anyway. Habits create predictability, but outcomes are never guaranteed.
- There’s a relationship cost. Trying to steer other adults (or teens) breeds resentment; “let them” is often the loving move.
- Trade control for structure. Plan your response, not everyone else’s behavior.
A gentler way forward (step-by-step)
- Awareness > autopilot
- Notice where you micromanage and name the need under it: “I want to feel safe / prepared / not blindsided.”
- Micro-win: say it out loud or jot one line in your Notes app.
- Own what’s yours
- You don’t control kids, partners, coworkers, traffic, weather, or ride closures. You do control: your breath, tone, posture, words, boundaries, and next action.
- Replace control with structure
- Swap rigid scripts for implementation intentions:
- “If the plan changes, I’ll take 4 slow breaths, then choose the most loving next step.”
- “If a child melts down, we pause 10 minutes—shade, water, snack—then reassess.”
- Structure calms you without corralling everyone else.
- Micro-uncertainty reps (build the tolerance muscle)
- Take a different route home.
- Try a new appetizer while keeping your go-to entrée.
- Sit in a different seat at the table/meeting.
- Leave a 30-minute block unscheduled—and let it stay unscheduled.
- Celebrate the reps, not the results.
- Regulate before you react
- Control spikes when your nervous system is hot. Downshift first, then decide. Quick options: box breathing, sensory grounding, a 60-second shake-out, cool water on your face, brief step outside.
- → Want guided, under-a-minute resets? Try our Quick Calm Method: seven micro-tools we use daily. fiveyearyou.com/calm
Tiny scripts that help
- “I’m noticing I want to control this because I care. I’m going to choose calm first.”
- “Here’s the plan, and it’s OK if we pivot.”
- “I can’t choose for you; I can choose how I respond.”
Signs you’re loosening your grip
- Fewer replays in your head after plans shift.
- More laughter when things go “off script.”
- Kids/partners volunteer more because they feel less managed.
Glimmers
- Cat: Flying to Canada to see Andrew today—so excited for an in-person hug!
- Andrew: Finished The DOSE Effect by TJ Power—practical ways to retrain brain chemistry and feel better. Loved it.
Links & extras
- Quick Calm Method (video course, < 60 minutes): fiveyearyou.com/calm
- Say hi / coaching inquiries: hello@fiveyearyou.com
- IG & TikTok: @fiveyearyou (five spelled out)
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