Thanks to our Partner, NAPA Autotech Training and Pico Technology
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Matt wrestles with a lifelong pattern of shame, defensiveness, and downplaying wins—and how naming it (out loud) is helping him show up better at work and at home. This one’s part confessional, part field guide: practical, unglamorous steps for accepting compliments, advocating for your value, and being safer to confront in relationships.
Content note: brief, heartfelt discussion of infant loss (the story of Matt’s son, Benjamin).
Why listen
- If you instinctively swat away compliments or feel “pride” is off-limits, this gives language—and a few reps—to shift that.
- Shops, teams, and families run better when we replace shame/stonewalling with honesty and curiosity.
Highlights
- The “shame tank”: how early patterns trained Matt to equate mistakes with identity (“I did something dumb” → “I am dumb”) and how that fueled resentment cycles with employers and loved ones.
- Stonewall → spill → reset → repeat: the loop that forms when you won’t self-advocate until pressure boils over.
- Compliment deflection ≠ humility: jokes like “you need to get out more” felt safe, but quietly devalued real wins.
- Owning value without arrogance: learning to state what you bring to the table without feeling like your mouth is on fire.
- Two proud moments (finally named):
- Benjamin’s birth: staying present, stopping futile interventions, and making sure mom and family had time with him. https://mattfanslow.captivate.fm/episode/overcoming-the-loss-of-a-child-finding-a-silver-lining-e035
- Post-divorce boundaries: noticing red flags early and exiting a relationship kindly (growth in real life, not theory).
- Professional growth he’ll actually own: the podcast, teaching, equipment dev/beta, EEPROM/board-level work, and expanding beyond “just drivability.”
- Result of doing the work: markedly better conversations with his boss; marriage moving from “fine” to genuinely “great.”
Practical takeaways
- Language swap: “I did something dumb” ≠ “I am dumb.” Keep identity out of error statements.
- Three-beat compliment drill: Hear it → pause → say “thank you” → full stop. (Joke later if you must.)
- Mini inventory: keep a running note of 3 specific things you did well this week; read it before hard conversations.
- Advocacy prep: write a one-page “value brief” before comp talks: outcomes, examples, and how they helped the shop/client.
- Repair the feedback channel: agree with your partner/teammate on a critique ritual (time, signal word, and goal).
- Get a spotter: a counselor/therapist helps reveal blind spots faster than white-knuckling it alone.
People & mentions
