When someone you care about is struggling with a problem, you might be tempted to give them advice. While coming from a well-meaning place, unsolicited advice is likely to make things work. That’s because it’s usually received as a passive-aggressive form of criticism: “I know better, so I’m going to tell you what to do.”
I recommend a much more powerful technique to help people solve their own problems, using their own thinking and other internal resources. And the first step, the “magic move,” is to guide them to shift from thinking about the problem to considering what they’d like instead.
What Peter Bregman and I refer to in our book as an “energizing outcome.”
In last week’s memo, I talked about the first quality of an energizing outcome: it has to be positive. That is, something to move toward, rather than away from.
That’s because negative outcomes aren’t motivating. No cab driver will know what to do if you tell them, “Anywhere but here, please.”
This week, let’s look at the second quality: it has be clear.
Vague outcomes also aren’t motivating.
That’s because the subconscious mind doesn’t process abstractions. It doesn’t know what to do with “feel better” or “gain confidence” or “resolve the conflict.” Those are just word-noises.
On the other hand, the subconscious just eats up specifics.
And change happens, not when the conscious mind wants it to, but when the subconscious mind gives the OK.
In other words, if someone wants to achieve a transformation, they’d better make their subconscious into an ally.
And so it’s crucial to talk to the subconscious in language it understands — what Unlocking the Emotional Brain co-author Bruce Ecker calls “limbic language” — words that evoke images and strong emotions.
Instead of “feel better,” consider:
“Jump out of bed in the morning and joyfully lace up my running shoes and take a brisk walk around the neighborhood.”
Instead of “gain confidence,” consider:
“Walk to the microphone with a genuine smile on my face and a swagger in my step, eager to share my ideas to help people have a better life.”
Instead of “resolve the conflict,” consider:
“Listen attentively and lovingly, asking questions when I don’t understand and repeating back what I’ve heard so they nod their head and lean in, indicating that they really feel seen and respected.”
Have you ever gotten scared by a horror movie? Like, heart pounding, rapid breathing, skin crawling? (For me: The Omen, Rosemary’s Baby, and Get Out top the list.)
Or have you ever imagined a worst-case scenario and likewise had a strong physiological response? (For me: every unread email in my inbox ends me with alone and in a gutter. I’m working on it with very skilled professionals.)
That can happen because the subconscious mind can’t tell the difference between visualization and reality.
When it sees and hears and feels and tastes and smells the future event, location, or situation, it’s rehearsing it, and believing it, and already searching for ways to bring it about.
Elite athletes know this, which is why visualization of contests and outcomes is a staple of sports psychology.
To get someone to a clear outcome, ask them what you’d see, hear, feel, taste, and smell if you were a fly on the wall at the moment they achieved that outcome. Make...
