In this episode, we tackle one of the most misunderstood experiences for mothers: struggling to feel grateful when you think you "should." If you've ever battled shame because you can't access gratitude for your kids, your partner, or your life circumstances, this episode will completely shift your perspective. We explore why gratitude isn't a moral failing when it's absent - it's actually a nervous system indicator that you need support and care.
Key Points
- Why gratitude requires a specific nervous system state (ventral vagal) to flow naturally
- The difference between forced gratitude and genuine appreciation that comes from regulation
- How "should" thoughts around gratitude indicate judgment and disconnection from your body
- Why struggling to feel grateful has nothing to do with your character or worthiness as a mother
- The biology behind why some emotions (including gratitude) aren't accessible on command
- Understanding gratitude as a natural byproduct of feeling safe and regulated, not a discipline to master
The Gratitude Trap
- How mothers often shame themselves for not feeling grateful despite wanting their children or having "good" lives
- Why comparing your struggles to others ("I should be grateful because my friend is divorced") blocks authentic feeling
- The judgment cycle: not feeling grateful → self-criticism → further disconnection from gratitude
- Recognizing when gratitude practices become another item on your "good mother" checklist rather than genuine connection
Alternative Pathways to Appreciation
- Using "appreciation" as a more accessible entry point when gratitude feels forced
- The "what do I have right now that I want" practice for difficult moments
- How regulation and nervous system support naturally lead to gratitude without effort
- The difference between gratitude that comes from loss/recovery versus gratitude from a regulated state
Real-Life Integration
- Seeing inability to access gratitude as an "awareness bell" that you need support, not judgment
- Moving from survival states that block gratitude to regulated states that allow it to flow
- How dedicated self-care and nervous system tending naturally increase grateful moments
- The experience of spontaneous gratitude is a sign that your inner work is creating lasting change
Nervous System Connection
- Understanding why overstressed, overstimulated states don't support grateful feelings
- The importance of "off-ramps" from dysregulation before expecting positive emotions
- How retreats and extended self-care practices strengthen your "gratitude muscle tone"
- Why forcing gratitude when dysregulated can increase shame and disconnection
Quick Reframe Practices
- When gratitude feels inaccessible, ask: "What support does my nervous system need right now?"
- Replace "I should be grateful" with "I'm human and my feelings make sense"
- Notice what you appreciate rather than forcing what you're grateful for
- Use gratitude resistance as information about your current regulation state
Quotes "If you are struggling to feel grateful and you don't feel grateful in a moment in time, there's nothing wrong with you" "Not feeling grateful has nothing to do with your character... and everything to do with what's happening in your biology right now" "When you feel resistant or when gratitude isn't accessible, that is your little awareness bell that you need some support"
Resources Mentioned
