Silence can be bliss can’t it? But when in a meeting with a staff member, especially one that involves a difficult conversation, silence can feel like torture.
It’s uncomfortable for us as the leader, and we worry (probably more than we should), that’s it’s also uncomfortable for the team member.
The truth is, silence is essential to facilitating an effective discussion, and when we don’t allow
space for it, we are almost certainly sabotaging the success of the conversation.
When we become uncomfortable with silence, we tend to do a few things.
We over-explain, that was definitely me, I would just keep finding different ways to unpack the situation, justify why I needed to speak to them about this, and come at the issue from all different angles. I thought that if I explained it more, and more, and more, surely the message would be clearer.
Or we create a compliment sandwich – we think that if we start the meeting on a positive note things will be easier. Then we get to the real issue, but then we get uncomfortable with the silence so throw in another compliment really quickly, hoping that the meat in the sandwich was memorable enough.
Or we divert onto an entirely new tangent. When the silent moment hits, we take a turn in the conversations and start moving it in a different direction to avoid the discomfort and then there can seem no way back to the initial issue.
In all of these situations we are missing the opportunity that silence creates.
Silence allows time for our team member to actually absorb and process what we just said. It gives them the space to think about it, and respond.
It allows time for them to seek clarification and ask questions.
It allows space for them to share how they received the message, and perhaps provide context from their experience that has led to the situation we are discussing.
Most importantly silence allows the message to really sink in. For the gravity of the situation, the importance of the issue, the need for change to really, really land.
If allowing space for silence is challenging and uncomfortable that’s completely normal, but think of it this way – would you rather sit in a moment of uncomfortable silence, or sit through the discomfort of needing to have this discussion again next week?
