The top 3 things couples fight about: Sex, money, & kids. If your marriage changed when the kids came, you're not alone.
Let's face it, a big reason you're not having sex anymore is because of the kids. There is no quality time, romance is gone, you're fighting over the chores, because you're sick of no sex, romance, and quality time. Then the blame game starts and everything you used to ignore before the kids becomes a pet peeve. No one can let anything go, your arguments are on repeat, and no one will capitulate.
The average couple argues 19 times a month and has sex on average once a week, every other week, or once a month. We're fighting more than we're having sex. That's a problem!
Sex is important. Connection is important. Let's break this down. Women have a hard time being a mother and a wife. There is a scientific reason behind it, and I am about to share it. We become so maternal, we neglect the marriage. I did it too!
In order for Modern Marriage to work we have to start prioritizing the marriage or one of three things will happen:
Before we continue you must understand women do not want sex if there is no emotional connection and men have sex to feel emotionally connected. This is the first crossroads.
So where do we start? From the beginning. I have my clients tell me every detail -their marriage story-from the beginning. I also need to know all about their childhood, their attachment style, and about their spouses. I need a thorough assessment to figure out what I am up against. I have to figure out if there is something deeper going on. Ten out of ten times there is something deeper going on.
Let's start here...
What causes the rush of good feelings that we call romantic love? Scientists that study natural hormones and chemicals tell us that lovers are literally high on drugs-substances that flood their bodies with a sense of well-being.
During the attraction phase of a relationship, the brain releases more dopamine and norepinephrine, two of the body's neurotransmitters. These chemicals help contribute to the rosy outlook on life, a rapid pulse, increased energy, and a sense of heightened perception.
Oxytocin is enhanced as well. Oxytocin is a potent hormone that plays a role in many aspects of our lives, including childbirth, nursing, orgasm, the bonding of mother and child, and social connections between individuals.
During the phase when lovers want to be together every moment of the day, the brain also ramps up its production of endorphins and enkephalins, natural narcotics that enhance the sense of security and comfort.
Romantic love is an intense emotional experience with measurable biological components-heart palpitations, sweating, sleeplessness, and impaired ability to concentrate.
The joy of falling in love is a part of us; it is a deep-seated belief that love will give us a chance to be nurtured once again and re-experience the sense of connection with which we began our lives.
The first of four sentences that occur early in a relationship is, "I know we've just met, but somehow I feel like I already know you." For some unaccountable reason, people feel at ease with each other. They feel a comfortable resonance as if they had known each other for years.
Then a little bit later, the second significant exchange of information happens, "Even though we've only been seeing each other for a short time, I can't remember when I didn't know you." Even though they met only a few weeks or months ago, it seems as if they have always been together; their relationship has no temporal boundaries. We call this the phenomenon of timelessness.
When the relationship has had time to...
