Listen as a mother shares her journey through grief after her daughter commits suicide. God inspires her how to help others even as she is healing herself.
Rebecca has lived in Milwaukee, Colorado, Illinois, Montana, Arizona and Arkansas. She has worked doing many things from gas station attendant to hospital work. She went to nursing school and was a paraprofessional in an autism classroom, which is where I met her when she worked with my boys. Now she is a rancher. Rebecca has three children, three step-children, and nine grandchildren. She’s been married to the love of her earthly life, Steve, for the last 15 years. He has been her hero in many ways. In her spare time, Rebecca likes to knit, crochet, spend time with her horses and read. Her passion is Jesus and serving the Lord.
Back in 2002 Rebecca’s daughter, Autumn, struggled with anxiety and depression. Rebecca found out later Amber had kept a journal and it got into the wrong hands at school and got passed around. This brought on bullying. In addition to this, Amber was also struggling with her sexuality. Unfortunately no one ever approached Rebecca to tell her about this until after she had lost her daughter.
Rebecca was working full time at the hospital and going to nursing school. Rebecca confesses she was an unintentional neglectful parent. She did get Autumn counseling and she wanted to get her into a mental health hospital but they were full.
The day before, Rebecca came home from work really tired and she vividly remembers Autumn telling her she loved her. Rebecca then went to bed and left the next morning for work.
She got a phone call from her oldest daughter who found Autumn dead and was absolutely hysterical. Rebecca turned around and came home to paramedics, ambulances, and police officers. A friend had come over and gotten her son and daughter.
Rebecca remembers being confused and totally in denial. The officials wouldn’t let her in the house.
Autumn was a Born Again Christian and had been baptized. Her pastor showed up and she went running up to him and grabbed him by the lapels and said, “Please tell me Autumn is in heaven.” He didn’t have an answer for her.
Rebecca had just arrived and the funeral home showed up and wanted her to start making decisions–and yet she still wasn’t even computing everything that had just happened.
The paramedics came up to her and said, “We can’t do anything for your daughter. Can we do something for you?” Rebecca said she was so confused and kept thinking, “What do you mean? Where is my child?” It almost felt like she was living in a dream.
Rebecca feels like she couldn’t even process what was going on, and she couldn’t cry.
The paramedics finally wheeled Autumn down the hall and they stopped so Rebecca could see her. Rebecca said it looked like she was sleeping. Then Rebecca began crying. Autumn was wheeled out and she was gone.
Rebecca was left sitting on the couch with these other people who were crying and grieving. She still didn’t understand what is going on.
Her former pastor’s wife called to tell her how sorry she was. Rebecca remembers telling her, “God could have stopped her and He didn’t. So I have to figure out what to do with this.”
That was the day Rebecca felt her life ended. This started a whole new season where she just wasn’t sure what to do. She had questions for God and questions about Autumn.
That very day of Autumn’s suicide Rebecca learned her first lesson: her shoulder’s weren’t big enough to carry the burden. She needed God. Rebecca didn’t have the answers but to why He didn’t stop it. She trusted God knew what he was doing even though she didn’t–she still had to trust.
She never asked “Why?”
They had...
