Judgement says more about the judg-er than the judg-ee. It’s not Judgement – Bad. It’s Judgement-Interesting.
Everybody judges and in truth, we unconsciously evaluate good/bad all the time – both positively and negatively. It’s our brains appraisal system. However unchecked it’s also a very handy interpersonal defense. Today we explore one aspect of insecure functioning, unchecked judgement and harsh self-criticism.
It is just one common insecure pattern to think in absolutes and moral righteousness, and before you judge judgers, those of us who’s favorite flavor is self-criticism and self-judgement please be warned that harsh scale extends quickly to those close to us. Fun times to grow and learn we tell ya!!
In This Episode of Therapist Uncensored,Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott break down the big picture of attachment and take a deep dive into just one of the habits of insecure attachment – how we use judgment! Turn on your curiosity and notice your judgments as we go – it’s kinda fun, actually.
The Pleasure of JudgementDescription of what self-righteous judgment looks like presented in an anecdotal but accurate way.
Quick ReviewEvery human being has a system to manage threat.
Blue – you down-regulate
Red – you up-regulate
The Role of JudgmentMethod of self-protection
Response to a feeling of threat
2 types: self-righteous or self-critical
Self-Righteous JudgmentIt’s a great feeling.
What’s really going on underneath?
Disconnection from threat in our own body
Slowing down to experience what we are judging
Fortified defense
Not pathological, it’s protective
Example of Blue Judgment
Fear of Vulnerability
Judging to keep at a distance
Example of Red Judgment
Telling others what they are doing wrong
Judging to prevent expressing fear of abandonment underneath
Non-JudgmentInability to create a judgment can be an indication that we can’t have a sense of self and an essence of threat, and that clearly defining ourselves is too vulnerable. (red-side of insecure spectrum, usually)
Judgment Can Be A Healthy ProtectionNot all judgment is bad
Explore it.
Righteousness to RelationalityExploring the movie about Harriet Tubman
The moral high road
Righteousness as the lazy man’s way
Making the move
Effecting change while staying in the relationship
Self-JudgmentAlso the lazy man’s road
Same old negative thoughts
No movement and no new neural pathways being built
Keeps us stuck
Moving from self-loathing to connection
Putting our feet to the fire
It’s not that it’s pathological – it’s information. We think it’s information about the other person, but really it can be a window into something more interesting if we open up to exploring it. Why do you judge THAT in particular? What parts of others make your skin crawl? Check if it’s disowned parts of yourself that you are attempting to distance from or stamp out in others. You see…. now it gets interesting and the door opens rather than slams close on the object of our scrutiny.
Practice Noticing With CompassionFind your version of what it is that you’re judging.
Have a little smile of humor when you catch yourself being judgmental
Explore what’s underneath
Resourceshttps://amzn.to/377FVQ9 (Healing Your Attachment Wounds) by Diane Pool Heller
https://amzn.to/2QnuRbt (Healing Developmental Trauma) Lawrence Heller
https://amzn.to/32P4TAc (Self-Compassion, the Hidden Power of Being Kind to Yourself) by Kristin Neff
Also check out https://www.therapistuncensored.com/73-2/ (TU73: Building Grit Through Self-Compassion) with Kristin Neff
Who doesn’t love special offers?https://www.therapistuncensored.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/brain-neuroscience-nervous-system-1.jpg ()Our course is now available for a deeply discounted early release price! While this course is aimed toward clinicians (CE’s available!), all who are highly interested in deepening the... Support this podcast
