Do you ever feel ashamed? Many people find it among their most physical emotions, resulting in a big knot of tension or a hot flush that washes over their whole body. But what is shame, and where does it come from?
I recently read a LOT of academic papers and books, and also popular books about shame, and the most helpful resource I found among all of the ones I read was written by my guest today, A.J. Bond. A.J. is a wrier and a filmmaker who experienced a shame-related breakthrough in his own therapy several years ago, and who subsequently became certified as a Healing Shame Practitioner through the Center for Healing Shame in Berkeley.
We discuss, among other things:
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Jump to highlights
02:05 How AJ Bond get started on understanding what shame is
05:12 What is shame?
07:15 Different versions of shame for different people
08:10 Shame is like an alarm system
10:39 The breaking of the interpersonal bridge
15:48 What does good repair look like
18:45 The rupture and repair make the relationship stronger
25:41 The cultural evolution aspect and how we evolved to be around the same pretty small group of people for a lot of the time
26:58 Shame will often feel like itâs connected to survival
31:09 Are there common reactions that people have when they're feeling when they're experiencing shame?
34:18 The concept of healthy shame
37:19 The 123 Punch of Shame
47:03 How our unconscious values show up in the context of our conscious and chosen values
References
Arnink, C.L. (2020). A quantitative evaluation of Shame Resilience Theory. Inquiries Journal 12(11), 1-11.
Bond, A.J. (2022). Discomfortable: What is shame and how can we break its hold? Berkeley: North Atlantic.
Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think youâre supposed to be and embrace who you are. Center City: Hazeldon.
Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services. 87(1), 43-52.
Brown, B. (1999). Searching for a theory: The journey from explanation to revolution. Families in Society 80(4), 323-429.
Cooley, C.H. (1902). Human nature and the social order. New York: Scribnerâs.
Deonna, J.A., Rodogno, R., & Teroni, F. (2012). In defense of shame: The faces of an emotion. Oxford: Oxford University Press.
DeParle, J. (2022, November 25). The expanded child tax credit is gone. The battle over it remains. The New York Times....
