In this unique episode we hear from Jaime and Erin’s children and learn about their experiences of stillbirth as siblings. Marissa (19 years old), Gracie (17 years old) and Quinn (13 years old) speak their own truth about what it is like to grow up as living children in a household touched by stillbirth. We also hear from Andrea Warnick, registered psychotherapist, about how to support children as they process death and how to keep a stillborn baby present in family life.
Show notes and resources
[5:33] “And I was like, that was like, that doesn't look like a Playland wristband, that looks like a hospital wristband”
- Playland is Vancouver's oldest and most famous amusement park, located at the Pacific National Exhibition (PNE) fairgrounds. It offers a wide variety of rides, attractions, midway games, and food options.
[7:17] “Yeah. When you guys all got home, your mom has also shared that there was some play therapy that she had you in. Do you remember going to play therapy?”
- Play therapy is an approach to therapy, primarily used with children, that uses the power of play to help process emotions, address social, emotional or behavioural difficulties and achieve optimal growth and development. It is particularly effective for younger children who may lack the verbal skills to express themselves directly, as play serves as their means of communication.
[8:07] “The play therapy did teach me a thing called heartstrings, and when I felt like sad or just, I missed my mom, or I felt like I didn't have any control over my life, I would pull my heart strings, and my mom would pull her heart strings, and then we would be connected.”
- “Heartstrings” is a form of play therapy based on the popular book,The Invisible String. In the story, a mother tells her two children that everyone is connected by an invisible string made of love. "Even though you can't see it with your eyes, you can feel it deep in your heart". It is used as a tool for coping with all kinds of separation anxiety, as well as loss and grief, to help children understand they are always connected to the ones they love.
[33:28] “There's this great quote that for kids, it's sort of like puddle jumping, you know, and they're in it, and it's huge, and then they jump out and they play and have fun.”
- Puddle jumping is a term created by Carla Mitchel to describe how children grieve. Children hop in and out of grieving just like they hop in and out of puddles. It can look like they do not grieve. They grieve a bit and then go on playing. Children do not have the capacity to hold that much pain all at once. Their nervous systems cannot handle the intensity of grief, so they go in and out of it.
[33:37] “And then for adults, it's like they're in this leg just wading through this ocean of grief. I believe it's Julie Stokes from Winston's Wish, who said it that way, and I think she's right on.”
- Julie Stokes Winston's Wish Adults grieving can be described like canoeing in a river. They tend to stay in their emotions for longer periods. Their nervous systems can handle it. While adults can sit in grief for longer, they always come out of it too.
[34:03] “I sometimes refer to our 2-3-4-year-olds as our most disenfranchised grievers that get quite quickly pushed to the sidelines, because sometimes people feel like, well, they're too young, so we don't even have the conversations with them.”
- Disenfranchised grief refers to grief which arises, but the loss is not socially recognized or supported. This can lead to feelings of isolation and unrecognized pain. Examples include grief following the death of a former spouse or grief for victims of a mass tragedy in which you did not know anyone personally but are deeply affected.
