Description

Regulation starts with you, not your child.

In this conversation, I talk with Lisa Candera, single mom of a now-adult son with autism, profound OCD, and anxiety, about what it actually means to "regulate yourself first." Lisa shares how a long stretch of crisis during the pandemic pushed her to the edge and forced her to find ways to stay grounded in the middle of 911 calls, hospitalizations, and daily meltdowns.

We unpack what regulation looks like in real life—pausing instead of rushing in, counting a three-out-of-ten success rate as a huge win, and getting honest about the stories that drive our reactions, especially the "I am failing my child" soundtrack. Lisa talks about turning her parked car into a "car office" for safety and space, setting clear boundaries around aggression, and shifting from lecturing in the moment to making a plan when everyone is calmer.

We also talk about raising teens with big emotions and neurodivergent brains. Lisa names the pressure parents feel to foster independence, the fear of "enabling," and the reality that a fifteen-year-old with autism may not be developmentally fifteen. Together we explore scaffolding, praising effort and emerging skills, and holding a both-and: your child is struggling, and you deserve support and compassion too.

Key Takeaways

• Regulation starts with you, not your child.
  Lisa describes regulation as moving from constantly losing your temper to feeling more grounded and able to respond. You don't have to be calm all the time—small shifts in your reactions can dramatically change the dynamic.
• A three-out-of-ten success rate is already a big deal.
  Instead of expecting yourself to get it right every time, Lisa suggests aiming for three regulated responses out of ten. Those moments might happen within minutes, and they still count.
• Pausing interrupts the automatic pattern.
  The urge to fix or lecture right away is strong. Even a brief pause can interrupt the usual pattern between you and your child and give you space to choose something different.
• Your triggers are about you, not just your child's behavior.
  Lisa discovered that many of her reactions were driven by fear and the belief that she was failing her son. Naming those stories helped her respond with more flexibility and compassion.
• You can change the dance by changing your part.
  Parents and kids often fall into predictable interaction patterns. When Lisa shifted how she responded—sometimes leaving the apartment instead of engaging—the pattern changed.
• Boundaries can include creative safety plans.
  During COVID, Lisa's plan sometimes involved leaving the apartment and sitting in her car when her son became aggressive. She reframed it as a temporary strategy rather than a failure.
• Thoughts like "this is an emergency" can escalate things.
  Parents' nervous systems often interpret big emotions as danger. Expanding your tolerance for discomfort can help you respond to what's actually happening.
• Scaffolding is not the same as enabling.
  Developmental level and anxiety matter. Sometimes making a task easier is what allows progress in other areas.
• Notice and name what your child does well.
  Highlighting everyday successes helps children internalize the belief that they can do hard things.
• You are not the baseline for how everyone else should be.
  Letting go of "I am the standard" creates more room for difference and helps you relate to your child as the person they are.

About Lisa Candera

Lisa Candera is a single mom of a teen with severe autism and OCD, an attorney, ADHD-er, and the autism mom coach behind The Autism Mom Coach. She helps parents of autistic children learn to regulate themselves first so they can show up for their kids with more calm, compassion, and confidence. Lisa hosts The Autism Mom Podcast, contributes to Autism Parenting Magazine, and presents on parental self-care, emotional regulation, and meltdown de-escalation strategies.

About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet

I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.

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