In Episode 1 of Engineering Love, Kim introduces the core philosophy behind the podcast: that love isn't something that magically happens, it's something that can be learned, built, and repaired with the right tools.
Drawing from her background as both a relationship coach and former IT systems engineer, Kim explains her root-cause approach to relationships and emotional pain. She responds to listener questions about depression and anxiety in relationships, recurring arguments over domestic issues, and couples who keep breaking up despite wanting to make things work.
This episode lays the foundation for the series, emphasizing empathy, accountability, self-awareness, and the importance of understanding patterns rather than blaming individuals.
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Time Stamps & Topics
00:00 – Listener questions preview
• Helping a partner understand depression and anxiety
• Communicating about domestic annoyances
• Couples who keep breaking up but want to stay together
00:32 – Welcome to Engineering Love
01:00 – Kim's background as a relationship coach and IT systems engineer
01:32 – Engineering vs psychotherapy: finding root causes
01:54 – Fascination with personality, suffering, and patterns
02:16 – Why short social media advice isn't enough
02:41 – Why love isn't accidental or effortless
03:05 – The myth of "love should be natural"
03:34 – How we learn communication and relationships
04:10 – Conditioning vs being "broken"
04:42 – Reconditioning thoughts, feelings, and behavior
05:04 – Community, listener questions, and intention for the show
05:25 – Question 1: Helping a partner understand depression and anxiety
06:14 – The core need to feel understood
06:36 – Pity vs sympathy vs empathy
07:19 – Empathy vs compassion explained
08:19 – Why compassion requires healthy detachment
09:03 – What people are really asking for in support
09:26 – Clarifying what "understanding" actually means
10:08 – The danger of moving goalposts for empathy
10:59 – Childhood emotional neglect and resisting support
11:25 – Asking clearly for what you need
11:46 – Listening without fixing
12:40 – Validation without shared experience
13:02 – Question 2: Communicating about domestic annoyances
13:44 – Why chores are one of the biggest relationship conflicts
14:06 – Creating a clear chores list and accountability
14:51 – When resistance becomes a pattern
15:31 – Authority, control, and parent–child dynamics
16:38 – When chores symbolize care, safety, or love
17:20 – Cleanliness, order, and childhood history
18:37 – Accepting differences instead of setting partners up to fail
19:56 – Power dynamics and resentment around chores
20:21 – Looking beneath surface conflicts
20:49 – Question 3: Wanting to work it out but repeatedly breaking up
21:18 – The value of third-party support
21:48 – Identifying core complaints about your partner
22:12 – Projection: judging what you dislike in yourself
22:40 – Transference: reacting to the past in the present
23:24 – Growth opportunities hidden in conflict
24:09 – Self-esteem, worth, and personal responsibility
24:33 – The impact of who you surround yourself with
25:24 – Choosing relationships that support growth
25:44 – Interrupting destructive cycles
26:11 – Inner work alongside relationship repair
26:32 – Closing thoughts and Carl Rogers quote
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This episode is especially helpful if you're trying to understand your patterns, feel stuck in recurring conflicts, or want a more grounded way to think about love and repair.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
