In Episode 9, Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant dynamics, communicating with partners who shut down, chronic self-doubt and perfectionism, and navigating a relationship when one or both partners are struggling with depression.
This episode explores what it actually means to move toward secure attachment, why avoidant partners disengage during future-oriented conversations, and when communication tools stop being enough. Kim also unpacks the roots of lifelong self-doubt, how self-criticism becomes tied to worth, and why letting go of perfection can feel terrifying but necessary. The final segment offers grounded guidance for couples navigating depression together without losing themselves or each other.
––––––––––––––––––
Time Stamps & Topics
00:00 – Listener questions preview
• Communicating with avoidant partners
• Self-doubt and confidence
• Relationships and depression
02:00 – Faith in yourself explained (without religion)
03:10 – Fear vs doubt and why fear blocks change
05:05 – Why belief in change matters before action
06:40 – CBT basics: thoughts, feelings, behaviors
08:35 – Identifying core beliefs and inner dialogue
10:20 – Taking accountability for change
11:30 – Question 1: Communicating with avoidant partners
13:05 – Anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant dynamics
15:10 – Why anxious partners get labeled as the problem
17:30 – Emotional shutdown and childhood origins
19:45 – Why anxious and avoidant partners attract each other
22:30 – Independence vs emotional unavailability
24:40 – Where attachment patterns are formed
27:10 – Why communication feels one-sided
29:30 – Soft startups, timing, and asking for consent to talk
31:45 – Putting responsibility back on the avoidant partner
34:10 – When communication tools stop working
36:30 – Values, emotional needs, and secure attachment
38:45 – When it may be time to walk away
41:20 – Sampling behavior to predict the future
43:10 – Question 2: Self-doubt, confidence, and perfectionism
45:05 – How self-criticism becomes tied to worth
47:40 – Childhood roots of self-doubt
50:10 – Why self-blame once served a purpose
52:35 – Separating past conditioning from present reality
55:20 – Attributing success without self-punishment
58:10 – Letting go of people who mistreat you
01:01:00 – Tolerating loneliness during growth
01:03:45 – Making mistakes on purpose
01:06:10 – Learning to take life more lightly
01:09:00 – Question 3: Navigating depression as a couple
01:10:40 – Why dual depression adds strain
01:12:30 – Therapy, medication, and evaluation basics
01:15:10 – Genetics, trauma, and self-acceptance
01:18:00 – Day-to-day functioning and division of labor
01:20:30 – Supporting each other without enabling
01:23:15 – Empathy, communication, and shared responsibility
01:26:10 – Using CBT to manage depressive thinking
––––––––––––––––––
This episode is especially relevant if you're questioning whether communication is enough, struggling with self-worth, or trying to hold a relationship together while managing mental health challenges.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
