Touring History
April 24th, 2025
LANE:
Hello, and welcome to Touring History —the only historical recap show where we mine humanity’s worst decisions… for your entertainment. I’m Lane.
DAVE:
And I’m Dave. And if you’re enjoying this on the toilet, congratulations—you’re smarter than the Ottoman Empire. Let’s begin.
📚 1800: The Library of Congress is founded
LANE:
On this day in 1800, the Library of Congress was founded. It now holds over 170 million items, including books, maps, photos, and, unfortunately, several Nicholas Sparks novels.
DAVE:
Which, to be fair, are the only books in the collection that come pre-moistened from crying.
LANE:
Thomas Jefferson sold them his entire personal library to restart it after a fire—which, ironically, is also how Dave paid off his bar tab in college.
DAVE:
They didn’t take books. They took kidney function.
🎤 Birthday Roll Call
DAVE:
Happy birthday to Pulitzer-winning writer Robert Penn Warren, the only man to win for both poetry and fiction.
LANE:
Because why just dominate one genre when you can ruin the curve for everyone?
DAVE:
Also born today: Barbra Streisand, icon, EGOT-winner, and the only person whose sneeze has its own key signature.
LANE:
And shoutout to Kelly Clarkson, born in 1982—America’s first Idol and the only woman strong enough to survive From Justin to Kelly.
DAVE:
Hey, it was either her or Clay Aiken. And let’s be honest: Clay wouldn’t have made it past 2007.
🩸 1915: Armenian Genocide Begins
LANE:
Today marks the anniversary of the Armenian Genocide, when the Ottoman Empire began the mass killing of 1.5 million Armenians.
DAVE:
A horrifying, deliberate campaign of ethnic cleansing that many countries still won’t call a genocide—because acknowledging history is apparently harder than saying “sorry” at Thanksgiving.
LANE:
It’s one of the worst crimes of the 20th century, and yet it gets less press than a new season of Selling Sunset.
DAVE:
To be fair, those realtors are monsters.
🚁 1980: Failed U.S. Rescue Mission in Iran
DAVE:
In 1980, the U.S. attempted to rescue hostages in Iran with Operation Eagle Claw, which ended in disaster when a sandstorm and poor planning led to the deaths of eight servicemen.
LANE:
It was like Ocean’s Eleven if the heist ended with the Bellagio on fire and George Clooney crying in a helicopter.
DAVE:
Also known as Ocean’s Twelve.
🔭 1990: Hubble Space Telescope Launches
LANE:
Today in 1990, NASA launched the Hubble Space Telescope… with a broken mirror.
DAVE:
So yes, we spent $1.5 billion to send a blurry camera into space.
LANE:
Eventually it was fixed and began showing us galaxies billions of light years away.
DAVE:
Which we used mostly to make iPhone wallpapers.
🏭 2013: Rana Plaza Collapse in Bangladesh
LANE:
In 2013, the Rana Plaza garment factory collapsed, killing 1,134 workers. It was a horrifying reminder of how cheap clothes often come at a high cost.
DAVE:
So the next time you buy a $4 tank top online, ask yourself: “Is this worth someone else’s life?” And if the answer is “yes,” congratulations, you qualify for Amazon Prime.
📦 1971: FedEx is Founded
DAVE:
FedEx was founded today in 1971, and they’ve been expertly losing your packages ever since.
LANE:
Their slogan was originally “Absolutely, positively overnight”… until someone said, “What if it just lingers in Memphis for five days?”
DAVE:
Seriously, every FedEx package has to go through Memphis, like it’s trying to find Elvis.
🧔 1998: “The Most Interesting Man in the World” Campaign Debuts
LANE:
Dos Equis debuted “The Most Interesting Man in the World” campaign today in 1998, giving us gems like:
“He once had an awkward moment... just to see how it feels.”
DAVE:
This campaign made Dos Equis cool, proving that a fake Hemingway in a blazer could sell more beer than a Super Bowl ad featuring monkeys.
LANE:
And, as always, he doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does… he makes me feel deeply inadequate.
DAVE:
He also once parallel parked a cruise ship, and fixed the Hubble mirror with duct tape.
LANE:
All right, stick around—we’ll be right back after this message from our sponsor. Which, unfortunately, is neither interesting nor well-dressed.
🎙️ [AD BREAK – Live Read: World’s Longest Putt]
LANE:
Tonight’s show is brought to you by the World’s Longest Putt—yes, that’s a real thing. Not a metaphor. Not a crypto scam. An actual, physical, golf putt.
DAVE:
That’s right. You, a regular human with barely enough core strength to stand upright in a Trader Joe’s checkout line, can now attempt to break the Guinness World Record for the longest putt ever made… and win $1 million dollars.
LANE:
All you have to do is sink a 401-foot putt.
That’s four football fields.
Or, if you’re bad at sports analogies: approximately one emotional distance from your father.
DAVE:
It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever wanted to succeed at. You could become rich not by investing in stocks or inventing an app, but by gently rolling a ball really far on purpose.
LANE:
This isn’t mini golf. There’s no windmill. No clown mouth. Just you, a putter, and the crushing weight of physics.
DAVE:
Go to worldslongestputt.com and register for a chance to make sports history—and possibly pull your hamstring in front of a cheering crowd.
LANE:
Because some people are born great.
Some achieve greatness.
And some… putt their way there.
DAVE:
World’s Longest Putt. Come for the million dollars. Stay because you overshot the hole by 375 feet.
🪖 1184 BCE: Fall of Troy (Traditional Date)
LANE:
Ah yes, the fall of Troy—aka the most overhyped gift opening in history.
DAVE:
“Should we bring in this giant wooden horse left by our sworn enemies?”
“Sure, what could go wrong?”
LANE:
It’s a good reminder that if something seems too good to be true... it probably has 40 Greeks in it.
🍫 1907: Hersheypark Opens
DAVE:
Milton Hershey opened Hersheypark in Pennsylvania today, which was like Disneyland if Mickey was filled with nougat.
LANE:
Originally meant as a leisure park for his chocolate factory workers—because what says “labor rights” like a rollercoaster called “The Cocoa Cruiser”?
☠️ 1967: Cosmonaut Komarov Dies in Space Accident
LANE:
Soviet cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov tragically died today when his space capsule crashed during re-entry.
DAVE:
And he knew the spacecraft was faulty before launch, but still flew it—because apparently in Soviet Russia, you don't cancel missions, missions cancel you.
LANE:
He was a hero. A tragic, flaming, physics-defying hero.
📉 2004: U.S. Lifts Sanctions on Libya
DAVE:
In 2004, the U.S. lifted economic sanctions on Libya. Because nothing says “bygones” like a handshake with a guy who once kept a tent at the UN.
LANE:
It’s not forgiveness, it’s just... oil.
⚖️ 2018: Bill Cosby Convicted
LANE:
Finally, in 2018, Bill Cosby was convicted of sexual assault, ending years of denial, lawsuits, and pudding pop commercials.
DAVE:
The sentence was: 3 to 10 years.
The vibe was: not nearly enough.
LANE:
It was justice… ish.
🎙️ CLOSING LINE
DAVE:
So that was April 24th—a day of genocide, galaxies, garment collapses, and a guy who’s really, really into Dos Equis.
LANE:
We’ll see you tomorrow, where history will again remind us that humanity is basically just one long season of White Lotus—gorgeous views, terrible people, and someone always ends up dead.
DAVE:
Good night, and remember: Don’t open the giant wooden horse.
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