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🎙️ TOURING HISTORY PODCAST: MAY 16TH EDITION 

COLD OPEN (VO):
LANE (VO): May 16th: The day Marie Antoinette got hitched, Mentos made us bold, and lasers were born—not for science, but to amuse cats. Let's tour some history.

LANE:
Welcome to Touring History, the podcast where we pretend to be historians because we once watched The History Channel at 3 AM while eating cold pizza.

DAVE:
And just like that documentary, we’ll start strong, drift into chaos, and end with you regretting your life choices—and maybe Googling “Did Marie Antoinette really say that?”

LANE:
Spoiler: She didn’t. But I’m still telling people she did. I'm Lane...

DAVE:
And I’m Dave. It’s May 16th, 2025—a date stuffed with more events than my fridge after a panic grocery run before a 12% chance of rain.

🎉 CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

LANE:
Let’s celebrate today’s birthday legends! Janet Jackson turns 59—officially older than most tech I still refuse to update. My phone thinks it’s 2017.

DAVE:
Megan Fox turns 39, Thomas Brodie-Sangster is 35, Mattia Polibio hits 22, and Joey Graceffa is 34—and still way more successful than either of us with a ring light.

LANE:
I tried making a TikTok once. It went viral... with my daughter’s embarrassment.

DAVE:
My kids said I could join social media when I learn how to use emojis without making them sound sarcastic.

🕰️ HISTORICAL EVENTS – PART 1

LANE:
Let’s tour some history! On this day in 1770, Marie Antoinette married future King Louis XVI. The wedding was fancy. The ending? Not so much.

DAVE:
And no—she never actually said "Let them eat cake."

LANE:
Dave, stop ruining party trivia. I’ve got so little left.

DAVE:
Fine. On May 16, 1866, Congress approved the nickel. Before that, folks paid with buttons, IOUs, or the promise of a firm handshake.

LANE:
And in 1929, the first Academy Awards were held at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. It lasted 15 minutes—faster than your average Kanye speech.

DAVE:
No musical numbers. No wardrobe malfunctions. Just “Here’s your Oscar, now scram.”

LANE:
In 1960, physicist Theodore Maiman fired the first working laser. Science achievement of the century—now mostly used to annoy pets and zap tattoos.

DAVE:
And in 1975, Junko Tabei became the first woman to summit Mount Everest. Proving once and for all: if a man does something, a woman can also do it—while freezing and carrying snacks.

LANE:
Respect. I once carried six grocery bags up two flights of stairs. That was my Everest.

📺 ADVERTISING HISTORY

DAVE:
Ad nerds, unite! On May 16th, 1916, the U.S. and Britain signed a migratory bird treaty—a landmark in international environmental cooperation.

LANE:
It was the original bird influencer campaign. "Stop flying into windows, it’s not a good look."

DAVE:
And in 1990, Mentos launched their “Freshmaker” campaign in the U.S.—finally giving awkward people a reason to leap over benches and lie to authority figures with a grin.

LANE:
I ate a whole roll before a job interview. Still didn’t get the job. But I did casually cartwheel across a crosswalk.

DAVE:
Mentos: the mint that thinks it’s a lifestyle coach.

🎙️ AD BREAK (FAKE SPONSOR READ)

LANE:
Touring History is brought to you by... the Ball Mason Jar Facebook Group—home to 100,000 people who still believe jam should be seasonal and therapeutic.

DAVE:
From storing pickles to preserving your deep-seated emotional baggage, there’s a jar for that.

LANE:
Did you know there are 347 ways to use a Mason jar for wedding decorations?

DAVE:
I use them to store my trust issues. They’re airtight and stack nicely next to my broken dreams.

LANE:
Ball Mason Jar Facebook Group. Open lids. Open hearts. Open... arguments about lid tightness.

🗞️ HISTORICAL EVENTS – PART 2

DAVE:
We’re back. In 1983, Sudan’s civil war reignited—leading to decades of conflict and eventually the independence of South Sudan in 2011.

LANE:
In 1991, Queen Elizabeth II addressed the U.S. Congress—the first British monarch to do so. She did not say, “We’re taking the colonies back,” but if she had, it would've killed.

DAVE:
Lane’s reenactments are not verified by Buckingham Palace.

LANE:
Yet.

DAVE:
In 1966, Mao Zedong launched the Cultural Revolution in China—a massive upheaval of society that makes your HOA newsletter look reasonable.

LANE:
In 2011, the U.S. hit its debt ceiling. That’s when we collectively decided: “What if we just... ignored it?”

DAVE:
And in 1920, Joan of Arc was canonized as a saint—500 years after leading the French army and being executed for heresy.

LANE:
Voices told her to lead an army. Voices tell me to eat pizza rolls at 2 AM. Different eras, different saints.

DAVE:
Saint of the microwave, Lane.

🏁 CLOSING

LANE:
That wraps up another time-traveling episode of Touring History—where we explore the past so you don’t have to Google “weird stuff that happened today.”

DAVE:
Remember, history is just like us—chaotic, misunderstood, and full of bad haircuts.

LANE:
I’m Lane...

DAVE:
I’m Dave. Join us tomorrow for more questionable facts and emotional damage disguised as trivia.

LANE:
Until then... keep your history weird.

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