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🎙️ TOURING HISTORY – May 2 Edition
As told by Lane & Dave

LANE (brightly indignant):
It’s May 2nd, a date that celebrates literature, beauty, war crimes, and royalty—which, honestly, is just a typical Tuesday in British history.

DAVE (deadpan):
It’s a day where the Bible gets rebranded, Berlin gets captured, and Apple reminds you that even dystopia can be sold in a sleek aluminum shell.

🎉 Birthday Roll Call

LANE:
Happy birthday to Catherine the Great, born in 1729—empress of Russia, art collector, and quite possibly the most misunderstood horse enthusiast in European gossip history.

DAVE:
Also born today: David Beckham, proof that if you look good enough, no one cares how many red cards you’ve racked up.

LANE:
And Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson turns 53 today. He went from professional wrestling to global superstardom by playing the same role in every movie: “muscular man, emotional range of a granite countertop.”

📖 1611: King James Bible Published

LANE:
Today in 1611, the King James Bible was published for the first time.
It was commissioned by King James I, who apparently read the Bible and thought, “This needs more pageantry and significantly weirder phrasing.”

DAVE:
It’s the version of the Bible that sounds like it was translated by Shakespeare’s stunt double during a migraine.

LANE:
But to this day, it remains the go-to version for anyone trying to sound holy… or just win an argument on Facebook.

🧼 1885: Good Housekeeping Magazine Debuts

DAVE:
In 1885, Good Housekeeping magazine debuted, promising to help women manage their homes better—which is adorable, considering in 1885, “managing your home” mostly meant not dying of typhoid in the laundry.

LANE:
The magazine later introduced the “Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval”, which sounds impressive—until you realize it’s just a fancy way of saying, “we didn’t die using this toaster.”

🚫 1933: Hitler Bans Trade Unions

LANE (grimly):
In 1933, Adolf Hitler banned all trade unions in Germany. Because, apparently, even fascism has room for “Sorry, you’re not allowed to collectively bargain anymore.”

DAVE:
And this is why labor rights are important. Because the second someone says, “You don’t need a union”, what they really mean is “We’re about to do something deeply illegal, and we don’t want you talking about it.”

🏁 1945: Soviet Troops Capture Berlin

DAVE:
In 1945, Soviet troops captured Berlin, ending the European theater of World War II and beginning a Cold War that would last decades.

LANE:
And the symbolism here is astounding—because if ever there were a city that deserved to be invaded by history itself, it’s Berlin.

DAVE:
A city that rebuilt itself so many times, it now has a monument for every bad decision since 1871.

💍 2011: Royal Wedding of William & Kate

LANE:
Also in 2011, Prince William married Kate Middleton, in a televised wedding watched by two billion people, and remembered primarily for a hat that looked like a cinnamon roll doing the Macarena.

DAVE:
And honestly, it’s the only time a British public ceremony made Americans say, “Wow… that’s classy.”

LANE:
They’re still married. Which in royal years is basically a platinum anniversary.

💻 1983: Apple Releases “1984” Teaser

DAVE:
In 1983, Apple released the teaser for its “1984” ad, an Orwellian-inspired spot meant to position Macintosh as a revolution against conformity.

LANE:
Which is deeply ironic—considering today, Apple is the exact kind of monolithic overlord the ad warned us about.

DAVE:
It’s like if Greenpeace launched a new oil tanker and named it “The Eco-Crusher.”

💁‍♀️ 2003: Dove’s “Real Beauty” Campaign Launches

LANE:
In 2003, Dove launched its “Real Beauty” campaign, encouraging women to embrace natural beauty and ignore unrealistic standards.

DAVE:
It was a radical act of brand-driven feminism… sponsored by a company that also sells cellulite cream.

LANE:
So yes—empowerment, but make it revenue-generating.

🎙️ [SPONSOR BREAK – Rise Doughnuts]

LANE:
If history is starting to feel overwhelming, there’s only one solution: doughnuts. This episode is brought to you by Rise Doughnuts in Wilton, Connecticut.

DAVE:
Small-batch, handmade, and more satisfying than watching Goebbels resign.

LANE:
They rotate flavors, they sell out early, and they’re so good they once made a man cry in a Subaru.

DAVE:
Follow @risedoughnut. Because when everything feels broken, glaze fixes it.

🗳️ 1997: Tony Blair Elected UK Prime Minister

DAVE:
Back to Britain. In 1997, Tony Blair was elected Prime Minister in a landslide victory.

LANE:
And it all started so well!
Until, of course, he decided, “Yes, George W. Bush seems like a smart foreign policy partner.”

🏀 2014: Donald Sterling Banned for Life by NBA

DAVE:
In 2014, Donald Sterling, owner of the L.A. Clippers, was banned for life from the NBA after recordings surfaced of deeply racist comments.

LANE:
It was shocking. Not the racism—because, let’s be honest, that had receipts—but the fact that the NBA finally said, “Yeah, we’re done here.”

DAVE:
And that was the last time a billionaire faced meaningful consequences.
Ever.

💶 1998: European Central Bank Founded

LANE:
In 1998, the European Central Bank was founded.
Its job? Keep the euro stable.
Its vibe? “We do math… but in a very nervous way.”

DAVE:
Imagine if your accountant also controlled 27 nations’ economies.
Now imagine them trying to explain inflation… in four languages.

✈️ 1952: First Commercial Jet Flight Takes Off

DAVE:
In 1952, the world’s first commercial jet flight took off from London to Johannesburg.

LANE:
It was sleek. It was fast. And it was less terrifying than flying Spirit in 2025.

🌪️ 2008: Cyclone Nargis Hits Myanmar

LANE (serious):
And in 2008, Cyclone Nargis hit Myanmar, killing over 130,000 people.
It remains one of the deadliest natural disasters of the 21st century.

DAVE:
And the Myanmar government’s response? Almost criminally negligent.
Because apparently, ignoring thousands of dying citizens is a leadership strategy now.

🎙️ CLOSING LINE

LANE:
So that was May 2—a day of queens and coups, bibles and banner ads, cereal-like leadership, and actual cereal.

DAVE:
We’ll be back tomorrow with more history and fewer billionaires.

LANE:
Until then—stay informed…

DAVE:
…stay suspicious of inspirational ad campaigns…

BOTH:
…and stay historical.

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