LANE: Welcome back to Touring History, where we make the past more entertaining than whatever algorithm is trying to show you next. I'm Lane.
DAVE: And I'm Dave, still amazed that people used to have to physically go to a library to settle arguments. Like, imagine having to walk somewhere just to prove your friend wrong about a random fact.
LANE: Today we're exploring July 31st, a date that's brought us space missions, patent applications, and some truly jaw-dropping examples of how royal affairs can literally reshape entire religions.
DAVE: Speaking of July 31st, we got a voice memo from a listener. Sezso, what do you have for us?
SEZSO (as listener): [Enthusiastic, slightly manic voice] Hey guys! This is Heather from Indiana. July 31st, 2020, was the day I discovered that my Animal Crossing island had the exact same layout as the Battle of Gettysburg. I'm a Civil War history nerd, so I spent the entire pandemic recreating the three-day battle using turnip fields and decorative fencing. My villagers are named after Union and Confederate generals. Tom Nook is clearly profiteering off wartime economics. I gave guided tours to my friends over Discord, complete with PowerPoint presentations. Yes, I made PowerPoints about my virtual Civil War battlefield. No, I'm not embarrassed. History education through Nintendo is valid!
LANE: Huh…I don’t really know what to say about that…200 points to creativity and
DAVE: The fact that you named your cartoon animals after Civil War generals and then gave PowerPoint tours is peak pandemic creativity mixed with beautiful nerdiness.
LANE: Let's celebrate some July 31st birthdays! We've got J.K. Rowling, who turned getting rejected by 12 publishers into creating the most successful book series of all time and basically inventing modern young adult fantasy.
DAVE: Also born today: Wesley Snipes, who proved that action heroes could be both incredibly cool and surprisingly good at tax evasion strategies. And Primo Levi, whose writing about surviving the Holocaust became essential literature.
LANE: Can't forget Milton Friedman, born July 31st, 1912. Economist who basically convinced the world that free markets could solve everything, which worked out... variably.
DAVE: His ideas shaped global economics for decades, though I'm pretty sure he didn't anticipate people using his theories to justify charging $8 for coffee.
DAVE: Scandal time! July 31st, 1498, Christopher Columbus arrived in Trinidad during his third voyage. But here's the salacious part - Columbus was simultaneously conducting affairs with multiple women while his wife waited back in Spain, and these relationships literally changed the demographics of the New World.
LANE: Oh no, here we go with Columbus being terrible in new and creative ways.
DAVE: Columbus had a well-documented affair with Beatriz Enríquez de Arana, who bore him a son, Fernando, while he was still married to Felipa Perestrello. But that's just the beginning - he also had relationships with indigenous women in the Caribbean, which was part of his strategy for establishing Spanish colonial control.
LANE: So his personal affairs were actually colonial policy?
DAVE: Exactly! Columbus encouraged his men to take indigenous wives and mistresses as a way of creating mixed-race children who would be loyal to Spain. His own sexual relationships became the template for Spanish colonization throughout the Americas.
LANE: That's horrifying. His infidelity became systematic cultural destruction.
DAVE: The really scandalous part? Columbus wrote love letters to Beatriz while simultaneously writing official reports to the Spanish crown about "civilizing" indigenous populations through intermarriage. His personal romantic life and his colonial policies were the same thing.
LANE: So one man's inability to stay faithful to his wife helped establish centuries of colonial sexual exploitation?
DAVE: His affairs and the colonial marriage policies they inspired created entire new ethnic populations across Latin America. The scandal wasn't just personal - it literally reshaped the genetic and cultural makeup of two continents.
LANE: Innovation time! July 31st, 1971, Apollo 15 astronauts took the first lunar rover for a spin on the moon, basically turning space exploration into the ultimate off-road adventure.
DAVE: They drove a car on the moon! That's like the ultimate "are we there yet?" road trip.
LANE: The lunar rover completely changed space exploration strategy. Instead of being limited to walking distances in bulky suits, astronauts could travel miles across the lunar surface, collecting samples from diverse geological areas.
DAVE: Plus they got to do the first and only moon donuts, which has to be the most exclusive driving experience in human history.
LANE: Also July 31st, 1790, the first U.S. patent was issued to Samuel Hopkins for an improved method of making potash. Basically, America's first official "I thought of it first" moment.
DAVE: Potash! Revolutionary fertilizer technology. Though I bet Samuel Hopkins never imagined his patent system would eventually protect things like "one-click purchasing" and "slide to unlock."
LANE: Let's talk about The Cheese Store of Beverly Hills, where they've been perfecting the art of deliciousness since 1967.
DAVE: They're still celebrating the return of Bava Brothers, and honestly, if you're not eating authentic Calabrian charcuterie, you're basically insulting your taste buds and four generations of Italian family tradition.
LANE: Bava Brothers uses heritage pork with Calabrese paprika, fennel seeds, and red pepper, aged for a month and pressed for two weeks. It's the kind of sopressata that makes you understand why people get emotional about food.
DAVE: Their 'Nduja Calabrese spread is basically spicy, spreadable perfection. Add it to pasta, pizza, or just eat it with crusty bread while questioning every other food choice you've ever made.
LANE: Visit cheesestore.com or their Beverly Hills location. With over 600 imported cheese varieties plus Bava Brothers' triumphant return, your kitchen is about to become a destination worth traveling for.
DAVE: The Cheese Store of Beverly Hills: Where every meal becomes an event and your previous food standards become embarrassingly low.
LANE: Deep thoughts time. Dave, what's July 31st telling us about human nature?
DAVE: July 31st shows that humans are basically opportunistic innovators who turn personal desires into systematic changes. Columbus turns his affairs into colonial policy, we turn moon visits into lunar road trips, patents turn individual ideas into protected property.
LANE: My deep thought is that July 31st proves that individual actions often create lasting systems. Whether it's the first patent establishing intellectual property law or Columbus's relationships shaping colonial practices, personal choices become institutional frameworks.
DAVE: So your deep thought is "personal behavior becomes public policy"?
LANE: Exactly. Your deep thought is "humans systematize everything, even their scandals."
DAVE: And somehow we've built civilization by turning our individual chaos into organized chaos! It's like we're constantly accidentally creating bureaucracy out of our personal drama.
LANE: That might be the most accurate description of human government ever.
LANE: That's July 31st - proving that humans will turn absolutely anything into a system, even when we probably shouldn't.
DAVE: Thanks for touring history with us! Like, subscribe, and send us your voice memos about meaningful dates. Turning video games into historical education with PowerPoint presentations is exactly the kind of beautiful nerdiness we live for.
LANE: Until next time, remember: history is just humans accidentally creating permanent consequences from temporary decisions.
DAVE: This has been Touring History. I'm Dave.
LANE: I'm Lane.
BOTH: See you in the past!