I believe there are three words that truly are relationship builders. These may be the three most important words of any relationship, "I am sorry."
Wielded correctly, these three words can begin processes of healing and redemption in a relationship. Hearing, "I'm sorry" can change the way that we look at a person who has wronged us.
What happens when an apology is insincere? Inauthentic apologies are like pouring salt on a wound. It adds insult to injury.
What do we look for in an apology? Is there a right way to apologize? Let's look at a procedure that we can follow to make sure that our apologies are the best that we can give. Apologies come down to Understanding, Remorse, and admission.
When you to make an apology, an effective apology, all three of these components are essential.
Ninety percent of the work of apologizing is done before we even begin talking. If we focus on these three elements then you can make your apologies powerful components to building your relationships.
Understanding: Cause and Effect
An effective apology is less about saying that you are sorry and more about feeling how the other person feels. People want to feel understood in situations of right and wrong. I say this because the person you hurt knows what you have done to them, do you?
At its core, you understand what you have done when you can name the cause and effect. Let's say that you lied to someone about something important. Your lies betrayed that person's trust. The cause is that you lie, the effect is that trust is betrayed.
The easiest place to begin with is the cause. When you begin the process of apologizing you must find the cause of the damage. Quick check: if you are not the cause of the damage then you cannot apologize for doing the damage.
Let's say that you have done some damage. You may not know that you did the damage or the effect that damage has had. What is important is that you step inside that situation from the other person's perspective to see what they see.
If you want your apology to be effective then you have to do the hard work of recognizing what you did that hurt another person and learning why it hurt that other person. For example. I was four and my best fire Dylan and I were wrestling in his house. He threw me to the ground. Because I was four, I started crying and because he understood what it was that he did and how it made me feel, he started crying. This made me stop crying.
I asked his mom, "why is Dylan crying?" She said, "he knows that he hurt you and he feels really bad about it. He didn't mean to hurt you."
Remorse: If I could take it all back.
When Dylan saw the four year old me on the floor crying, he knew that he had done something and he felt remorse. Remorse is the feeling of wishing that you could take back the thing you did.
When you understand what you did to a person it becomes easier to see the effects of your actions. No one like feeling remorse but it is important that you do it.
Remorse means that you recognize that you were wrong to act the way that you did. It is that internal force that brings about reconciliation between the one who is hurt and the one who has done the hurting.
Remorse is a sign that your human heart is still beating. It is that feeling that lets you know that you are still a human being.
Remorse doesn't meant that you wish you hadn't acted, it's an important distinction to make. You may wish that you hadn't said something the way you said it, or that you hadn't acted the way that you did. You can be remorseful that you did something the way that you did it without feeling bad for having done something.
Your remorse is about your actions, not about the effect of your actions. Stop apologizing for other people's feelings and start apologizing for the things that you have done that influenced their feelings.
If you find yourself saying, "I'm sorry that you feel that way" then you have really only gone half of the distance. You recognize the effect, but you have not even linked a cause to that effect. Dive deeper into the situation; ask questions to discover what that person feels the way they feel.
Admit it: Say it like it is.
When it comes to apologizing, the simpler the better. If you have done the hard work of reflecting and you know what you have done, and you wish you could take it back, then just admit it. Let your remorse fuel the delivery of those three important words, "I am sorry."
Naming the offense and stating the regrets adds weight to the apology. You cannot undo the damage of what you have done, but you begin the work or repairing it when you start putting those pieces back together by sharing that you wish you had never broken it in the first place.
Things to keep in mind about apologies.
Apologies require humility. You cannot be both right and wrong at the same time. You know that are trying to do this by putting the word "but" in the middle of your apology.
"I'm sorry that I ate your candy, but I was just so hungry." When you include a but statement you are attempting to minimize your involvement in the cause.
Own your apology, they require that you take responsibility for your actions.
You cannot apologize for the way that somebody else acted, but you can apologize for not responding to the way a person was acting.
People don't get great at apologies over night. It takes practice and a lot of work up front. Apologies require a lot of empathy. That is why they are hard.
You've received good apologies before, so keep those in mind the next time you have to make an apology and it might just be the right apology to build your relationship.
I'll say it again.
Hearing, "I'm sorry" can change the way that we look at a person who has wronged us. Ninety percent of the work of apologizing is done before we even begin talking.
An effective apology is less about saying that you are sorry and more about feeling how the other person feels. You understand what you have done when you can name the cause and effect. You must find the cause of the damage and step inside that situation from the other person's perspective.
Remorse is the feeling of wishing that you could take back the thing you did. Remorse means that you recognize that you were wrong. Your remorse is about your actions, not about the effect of your actions. Dive deeper into the situation; ask questions to discover what that person feels the way they feel.
Let your remorse fuel the delivery of those three important words, "I am sorry."
Apologies require humility. You cannot be both right and wrong at the same time. You can apologize for not responding to the way a person was acting. Apologies require a lot of empathy. You've received good apologies before, so keep those in mind.
Bubble Bath Questions:
What was a really good apology that you received from a person?
Where were the three elements of an effective apology in that apology?
Where do you need improvement?
