If I had to pick a group of people to be stranded on a deserted island with, I would definitely pick my family. I know this is an audacious claim to make, some people really do not like their families. Other people tolerate their families, and others pretend that their families do not exist.
Up to a certain point, your family usually is the group of people that you have spent the most time with. When I was eight (which my family would claim that I still am eight), I barely knew people outside of my family. We just spent so much time together.
I have four siblings, a mom, and a dad. We would camp each summer and go on trips over spring break. We went to the water-park together and church together. Your family is the group of people you do everything with when you are younger.
But when you grow up, you move out of your parents house (hopefully) which means that you no longer spend every day with your family. This is where intentionality comes into play.
Remember from our previous discussion about intentionality that it can be calculated using three different metrics. You can look at intentionality with respect to how much time goes into interacting in a relationship. You can also look at intentionality as how much it costs to interact within your relationship. You can also look at how easy it is for you to make the interaction happen.
You cannot escape your family. Yes, you can move out of the house, you can live in different cities, but you are always going to be family. That is the one characteristic that makes Family so different from all of your other circles of influence.
Friendships end. Your co-mate relationships (the kind of people that you use "co-" or "mate" to describe) have time limits to them. Your service relationships end once the project is complete. But your family, they are always going to be related to you. No amount of time can change this fact.
So here is what I am talking about when I am talking about intentionality within your family relationships.
If you are being intentional with your family then you have to realize that time with your family is something to be protected. When I talk about this I mean showing someone that they matter with your time. This means that you have set aside time that cannot be used for any other thing. Your family time cannot go to your friends because it has been set aside for your family.
It is unintentionally done this way in my family, but each Memorial Day, I know that weekend will be set aside for family time. That weekend has been a family work weekend for the last four years and will likely continue to be because we set it aside for family time.
You need to set time aside for your family that cannot be accessed by your other social circles. It may not be a formal time like my family's work weekend, but it does need to be set aside.
This can look like making time to call your family members, just to spend time with them over the phone. This may mean making time to travel to see your parents, or your siblings. This may look like reaching out to more distant relatives to share the experience of being family.
When I think about the relationships with my family, I come to find that they can be extremely easy at times and extremely difficult at other times. Your family is the group of people that best know how to annoy you because of the amount of time you have spent with them. What is important is that when you are being intentional with them that you are making the effort to struggle through the difficult times with them.
All relationships experience difficult times for some reason or another. When it is your family, it usually hits closer to home. Because you cannot change your familial relationships (you may pretend to not be someone's son or daughter, brother or sister) you have to wrestle through the difficult situation at hand and here is why.
Your family are your first examples of all other social circles. You learn to be friends with your family first, and you learn to be house-mates with them first. You also learn to serve others first through your family.
Not only that, but your family will be with you in the end of things if you invest in those relationships. On your last day, your family will be a source of comfort, reminding you of the joys of days past. When you invest in your family, they become the closest friends you will ever have.
To be intentional with your family you must be willing to pay the two greatest costs that are typically associated with family. You must be willing to pay in forgiveness as well as a loss of comfort.
An unsavory truth about family is that they are going to hurt you. They will let you down and give you every reason to be upset with them. But to be intentional, you must pay the price of giving up your justification to be mad with them; in other words, you need to be able to forgive your family for the sake of your relationships.
This does not mean that you are going to allow for them to walk all over you, take advantage of you, and hurt you, but it does mean that you are going to pay the price by forgiving them for how they hurt you.
The other cost comes with comfort. Your family is both the group of people you can be most comfortable with as well as the people who will you the most uncomfortable. Families create uncomfortable situations, just like all other relationships. When it comes to families, you must pay the price of giving up your comfort to resolve the source of discomfort.
Being intentional with your family can be difficult, but it also gives you some of the greatest rewards. Not just anyone can be your family. You don't get to pick them. They are your family because they are your family.
The relationships you have in your family are some of your longest lasting relationships. When the relationships are working right, you receive lasting results from the intentionality that you put into those relationships.
When they are not working right because you are not putting intentionality into them, you will find that they produce no fruit and may very well cause your other relationships to suffer.
Your family is the lens through which you first experience all other relationships. Take the first steps in increasing your intentionality with them, and you will begin to see fruit that lasts a lifetime.
Y our family usually is the group of people that you have spent the most time with.
The three ways to look at intentionality are:
How much time goes into interacting.
How much it costs to interact.
How easy it is for you to make the interaction happen.
You cannot escape your family, you are always going to be family.
Set time aside for family time, protect it to make sure that it is there.
Families can be difficult. The pain hits closer to home. You must struggle through the difficult times to strengthen your relationship.
You must be willing to pay in forgiveness as well as a loss of comfort.
Your family relationships are some of your longest lasting relationships.
Your family is the lens through which you will first experience all other relationships.
Where can you set aside time for your family?
How might you need to struggle with your family for the sake of the relationships?
To whom do you need to pay forgiveness so that your relationship might grow?
