For the past four years, I have been known amongst my friends not as Sam, the name that my parents gave me, but as Boy Sam. There is Boy Sam, and there is Girl Sam. When I was in middle school there were two Sams in my church small group. We went by Sam 1 and Sam A. I was Sam A, even though my last name started with a B.
I guess I could have pulled a Clint Eastwood and declared, "this group ain't big enough for the two of us." when the other Sams came into the group, but I didn't. Instead I stuck it out. Over time those friendships developed and now I can tell you that those two Sams are some of the best Sams I have ever known. I'd call them real friends.s
There are three basic truths about friendships that need to be understood. They give insight into what it looks like to be intentional with your friends.
Friendship is a Choice between two people.
Friendship is a give and take relationship.
Some friendships end.
Friendship is one of the greatest choices that you will ever make in your life. Unlike your family, you get to choose who is going to be your friend, or should I really say that you have some choice when it comes to who is going to be your friend.
People who are intentional with their friendships understand that they need to talk about their relationships with their friends. Friendship requires that you state your intent to be the friend of someone else and it requires that the other person buys into the relationship as well.
This is a strange idea to some people, but having a DTR (a conversation where you Define The Relationship) can set two people straight as to where they stand with one another. Just because you want to be someone's friend does not mean that they are reciprocating that desire.
When you are being intentional you must come to grips with the fact that your friendship requires that you invest time in the person you are being friends with. This is the choice of friendship.
Friends are the people that you do things with that are not your family. Your friend circle is the group of people who you interact with outside of work, though you may work together. You choose to do things together.
And not only that, but you spend time modeling the kind of friend that you want. I've talked about that in one of the previous episodes of this blogcast. For you to be an intentional friend you must spend time modeling the kind of friendship that you are looking for.
The more time that is spent together in a friendship, the deeper the friendship is. Friendships are built on a collective set of experiences. You can measure the depth of a friendship by the stories that you share together.
You must be willing to make sacrifices for friendship when it comes to being intentional. Being intentional means that you are the first one to offer to make the sacrifice.
I typically think about listening when it comes to friendships and sacrifice. I've said before in my power listening post that only one person can be speaking at a time in a conversation.
Intentional friends recognize that conversations require someone to listen while the other person speaks. You must sacrifice your right to speak first when you are intentional because you understand that everyone needs to be listened to.
Just as a well maintained tomato plant will produce many fruits, a well maintained friendship will give you great returns because you have put in the hard work to make sure that the friendship has what it needs to grow.
Friendships require patience, vulnerability, gentleness, forgiveness, laughter, and interaction. You have to be willing to go first in acting in your friendship, initiating the other person, for the sake of your friendship. No one who is intentional demands that others sacrifice when they haven't.
Being intentional means that you enter your friendships without expectations. Friendship is an exchange of value, trust, care, and love. By offering those things first, you set the tone of your friendship as a friendship where you care about the other person.
This topic is one of the largest and most difficult topics to write about in a rigid form like a blogpost. Friendships grow in seasons; sometimes friendships last many seasons and other times they last only the one.
To think about it this way, some plants will survive the winter and produce fruit each year while other plants pass away at the end of a growing season.
An intentional friend understands that their friendships are gifts. Just as I consider waking up every day to be a gift, I consider my friendships a gift because I own the fact that I am not fully in control of them and they still exist.
One way to look at friendships and when they should end is based upon how easy it is for you to continue the friendship. People tend to find friends who are similar to them. Strong friendships are friendships that pretty much run themselves.
When friendships become too difficult, take too much time, or cost too much, that is a sign that the friendship may be at an ending point.
I've talked about relationships in the relation-ship blogpost series, and how relationships have destinations. Your friends are going on a journey to deep friendship with you, but sometimes the destination changes.
Circumstances in your life change, and you have to be willing to accept that some friendships are going to change. You are not in control of the seasons in which your friendships exist, but you are in control of how you handle the changes for those seasons.
Just like a farmer may cover his crops to deal with bouts of frost you, the intentional friend, must take precaution to ensure that your friendships don't end prematurely.
But just as a farmer takes care that his plants don't pass away before maturation, he also understands that plants that have passed away must be cleared to make room for new crops. If a farmer doesn't clear out the field where he grew his corn, there is not going to be room for a new crop.
When you are being intentional you are understand you have to make decisions about when friendships have run their course. It may be when relationships take too much time, they cost too much, or they are too difficult to continue.
Friendships are great because they are a shared experience of choosing one another. Being intentional in your friendships gives you a chance to encourage your friendships to grow.
To be intentional, you have to understand that you and the other person both have a say in the choice to be friends. Having discussion about your friendship gives you opportunity to see the health of your friendship.
When you are being intentional you are taking the first steps in developing the friendship. You are putting yourself into the friendship before you get anything out of it because you believe that you will get more when you put more in.
When you are being intentional in your friendships you are protecting your friendships from ending prematurely, and you are calculating when your friendships have run their course, making sure that you process your ended friendships so that there is room for more friendships in the future.
There are three basic truths about friendships that need to be understood.
Friendship is a Choice between two people.
Friendship is a give and take relationship.
Some friendships end.
You and the other person both have a say in the choice to be friends.
When you are being intentional you are taking the first steps in developing the friendship.
When you are being intentional in your friendships you are protecting your friendships from ending prematurely, and you are calculating when your friendships have run their course.
Can you acknowledge the choice involved between you and your friends?
What ways can you sacrifice for your friendships to grow?
Do you have a friendship that has run its course that you need to clear away?
