Bob Conlin takes the reins on this episode for the fifth of his regular podcasts focused on relationships. On this episode Bob talks about what he sees are red flags in relationships be they familial or of course romantic relationships.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
Red flags are significant issues in relationships and they can be around specific characteristics of a person, a situation of what’s going on in a relationship, which is what I’m focussing on here.
There’s a notion of the four horsemen of the apocalypse – I’m not a scholar, but they’re bad. The metaphor used for relationships describes specific communication styles that predict the end of a relationship. The four horsemen are: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. If these methods of communication are present in your relationship, your relationship will end.
You don’t have to have all four of these to have a solid predictor that the relationship’s going to end, but even a little bit of all or a couple of them should really give you pause to take a look and think we need help, or we have an opportunity to get support. I’ve seen it so many times where couples present this way and a lot of those relationships don’t last.
Antidotes: The antidote to criticism is to take some ownership and start with “I” statements, really owning your feelings about it, this takes the pressure off them and starts to put it back on you. The antidote to contempt is to remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and find some gratitude for who they are and what they do and learn to appreciate them. The antidote to defensiveness is real simple: Take responsibility, accept your partner’s perspective and apologise for any wrongdoing. The antidote to stonewalling is you need to get back into your body and calm down, it’s a real fight or flight situation, remove yourself from the situation in a kind and loving way: “I’m shutting down/getting triggered by this conversation, I just need 20 minutes of alone time, can I go and get that?”
BEST MOMENTS
‘Criticising your partner is different to giving a critique or voicing a complaint, it’s really like you’re attacking them, how they are, their way of being. You might be using terms such as “always” and “never”.’
‘Contempt is to treat others with disrespect or you’re mocking them. If you notice you’re talking about or to your partner in a contemptuous way, you’ve lost respect for them and you’re attacking their character.’
‘Defensiveness is most common where there’s been a breakdown and you can’t elevate above the. Weeds of what’s going on and connect to the actual issue is. If you are in a conversation and you feel like you need to defend yourself or not be able to take responsibility, or blame is deflected onto you.’
‘Stonewalling is exactly what it sounds like. In a discussion you shut down or stop having a discussion and walk away, that can be hard because nothing happens after that. If you’re on the receiving end of that, what’s that like for your partner?’
VALUABLE RESOURCES
Paul’s Story: Emerging From The Forest (UK): https://www.amazon.co.uk/Emerging-Forest-Pain-Purpose-Mastering/dp/1719373272
Paul’s Story: Emerging From The Forest (USA): https://www.amazon.com/Emerging-Forest-Pain-Purpose-Mastering/dp/1719373272
Mastering The Game Of Life Book (UK): https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mastering-Game-Life-Paul-Lowe/dp/1782227679
Mastering The Game Of Life Book (USA): https://www.amazon.com/Mastering-Game-Life-Paul-Lowe/dp/1782227679
Speaking From Our Hearts Books: Volumes 1-3 (Available on Amazon)
World Game-Changers Group
ABOUT THE GUEST
Bob is a Life, Love and Leadership champion, author, coach, trainer, husband, father, and a professional certified coach with the International Coach Federation.
His philosophy is that we are in relationship to everything and the top three opportunities for growth exist in self, loving others, and career. As a relationship coach, he’s doing the work that he was meant to do, in order to fulfil his life purpose.
As the author of the forthcoming book ‘Why Your Relationships Suck: How to Create Strong Relationships with Courage and Heart’ – and as a devoted student of the relationship development he preaches – Bob enjoys a rewarding and fuller life being a husband, coach, leader, musician, and traveller. He and his family were featured in Episode 3 of CBS’s “The Greatest #AtHome Videos” in August 2020.
Website: www.conlincoaching.com
ABOUT THE HOST
Paul has made a remarkable transformation from existing for many years in dark, desperate despair; to now living a really healthy, happy and fulfilling life.
From an early age, he was in the vice-like clutches of the demon drink and constantly embroiled within a dark cocktail of toxic beliefs, self-hate and destructive violence.
Along with his empathetic and dedicated team of world-class coaches and mentors, Paul’s purpose is deeply transformational:
Contributing Significantly To World Peace…
He is extremely passionate about helping others to find their purpose, have a voice and ultimately, make a real difference.
This has been built on a long and distinguished history of heart-centred coaching and mentoring. He has also been responsible for raising significant amounts of funds for many charities and good causes around the world; positively impacting and inspiring thousands of children – mainly from challenging backgrounds – within the UK & worldwide.
Through this World Game-Changers podcast and books, he has been involved in – including being a best-selling co-author – Paul also helps others to get their own inspirational messages and stories out into the world; as well as offering support to many charitable organisations, in their development & fund-raising.
CONTACT METHODS
Tel: +44 (0) 7958 042 155
E-mail: Paul@Paul-Lowe.com
Web: https://www.Paul-Lowe.com
Web: https://www.worldgamechangers.org/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/IamPaulLowe/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/paul-d-lowe-7a78332a/
