Many women desperately want to know, “Can my husband change?” The short answer is yes. The long answer is, it’s extremely complicated. If you’re interested in observing from a place of emotional safety to see if this will happen, you’ll need strategies to keep you emotionally safe.
If you need help understanding if your husband is changing, learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Support Sessions.
We understand the deep desire to have a peaceful home. Anne shares that once you’ve established emotional safety, here are the 9 signs to watch for to see if your husband is changing.
If you’re looking for signs your husband can change, this is what you’d be looking for. Without any prompting from you, a therapist, or anyone else, has your husband
Anne: So it’s just me today, and I’m here to admit that I believe people can change. If someone decides to become a different person, they can change their character through choices and actions. Because I believe people can change, and so do most victims. The most common thing in the world for a victim to do is wonder or ask, “Can my husband change?” Or even “What are the signs my husband changing?”
We often ask these questions long before we even wonder what’s going on with him. And so we might talk to him about what’s going on, or we might go to couple therapy.
Because psychologically abusive husbands are expert manipulators. He’s been manipulating us and everyone around him for years. So there’s only one way to know if he’s actually changing, and that’s observing his actions from a safe distance.
Because when we confront our husband about his behavior, he’s going to kick his manipulation into high gear. And at this point, they’re either going to be very threatening, angry and scary. Which is the most obvious sign that he’s not changing. Or they may manipulate us in a way that feels good to us.
Anne: This could include committing, never to do it again. When really, he just means he’s going to hide it better. Often they promise to start going to therapy, and they actually go to therapy, but that doesn’t help. That just means he’s an abusive man going to therapy time and time again. We see that therapy does not help an abusive man change. More often, it just solidifies the justifications he’s used for being abusive.
He might promise to attend 12-step. He might even start attending 12 step meetings. But again, going to 12-step therapy is not a sign that he’s changing or even willing to change. It’s only a sign that he’s going to therapy or 12-step, that’s it. He might even partially or fully admit to what he’s done and the hurt he’s caused you, and apologize.
But are his actions changing? Saying I can change or want to change is not the same as actual change. And if he has not changed. And it’s not safe to treat him as if he’s safe, because you deserve safety.
The Clarity After Betrayal Workshop is the best guide for teaching you how to establish safety without talking to him about his behavior. You can then observe from a safe distance to see if he’s doing any of these nine things on his own, without you showing him this list, without you bringing any of this up. Let me share a part of my story with you.
Anne: For seven years. I thought my husband was willing to “change” and I thought he was changing. He was getting better and better at grooming over time. He was really holding me back. The therapy he was going to was increasing his ability to use therapy – speak and sound healthier when he wasn’t actually healthy. After seven years of doing this, he sprained my fingers and was arrested for domestic violence.
When I met with my victim advocate. I told her, “My husband isn’t the typical abuser. He cares so much about me. He cares about our family. If anyone can change, he can.” Now note I’m saying this after he’s been “changing” already for seven years and hadn’t changed at all. In fact, he was worse. I had even wondered if my husband had an anger problem. https://www.btr.org/husband-have-an-anger-problem/
She looked at me like, “Wow, you have a lot to learn.” And she advised me to learn about abuse. But I was nervous, because I thought he needed to fix a few things. As I learned more and more, I learned he was the typical abuser, and it was shocking and heartbreaking.
Anne: At that point, I decided to take a step back, stop seeking safety through managing his therapy, and observe him from a safe distance without talking to him. And as I did that. I absolutely could see with my own eyes. That he was not doing any of these nine things.
And before I share them with you, it’s super, super important that you do not give this to your husband. That you don’t listen to this episode and think, “Oh, my word, I have to have my husband listen to this. I’m going to give it to him.” if you tell them to do these things, and he does them, that’s just more manipulation.
These are things he must do on his own, without knowing about them. So as I share these with you, I’ll share parts of my own story. So you can see how I could observe these from a safe distance, without talking to my husband about them. Now I know so many of you are still in the same home with him. And so you might think, well, this doesn’t apply to me because I’m still in the same home.
In my workshop. I teach women how to separate themselves emotionally from him. Even if you’re living in the same home, it’s basically how to separate yourself from his false reality manufactured for you. So that you can live in reality and observe from reality.
So these examples are from my particular situation. Where I had a protective order and didn’t talk to him, but they work in any situation. So keep that in mind.
Anne: These are the nine signs your husband is changing, without you talking to him at all.
Number one, he identifies through his actions all the lies, infidelity, manipulation, and coercion. Also directly tells you that it was wrong for him to choose to do that with no excuses. This includes acknowledging through his actions that every lie, every time he manipulated your emotions, and every time he coerced you to do something, he knew it wasn’t good for you. But he chose to do it anyway. This includes your husband lying about small things.
In my case, I wasn’t talking to him because I had a protective order. Instead of identifying all the lies, infidelity, manipulation, and directly telling me and other people that it was wrong for him to choose that. He was lying about what happened. He told people it was an accident, when I knew that was not the case.
People would talk to me and say, hey, I talked to Chuck, I’m going to call him Chuck. I talked to Chuck and he said, this, this and this. None of it was true. All of it showed that he definitely did not identify infidelity, manipulation and coercion, and tell anybody it was wrong. In fact, he was trying to get them to gaslight me from afar.
Anne: Okay. Number two. Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control. Not a result of an addiction, not caused by something else, and that he did it to maintain control over your perceptions of him from the beginning. As my husband told people why he was not living in the home anymore. Why he lived at his grandparents’ house.
He never mentioned any of the traumatic things he did before. He never acknowledged that all his behavior was a choice, including when he lied to me about his porn use before we got married. And didn’t say a word of it to anybody else. Instead, he kept saying “She won’t talk to me. How am I supposed to improve our marriage if she won’t talk to me.”
He never actually said to them why I would not talk to him. That was a huge clue to me that he was not changing.
Anne: Number three, explaining to you and everyone else in great detail how all the reasons used to justify his choice to abuse you were lies. That would include admitting that blaming you for any of it was also manipulation. That would include reevaluating his distorted image of you. Including his tendency to focus on and exaggerate your weaknesses, and his grievances against you. And setting the record straight with anyone he’s misled about you.
So that means telling you and every single person around him the truth about all the lies, excuses, and reasons he’s used to cover up all the lies, excuses, and reasons. They lie initially, and then they lie to cover it up. So this is uncovering all those things, and he would fully admit all that to you and everybody around you.
In my case, he just kept focusing on my weaknesses and his grievances against me. And they kept growing and growing. At first, I was just controlling. Then I became a liar, then abusive, and then I was an emotional blackmailer. I mean, I just became worse and worse over time.
He wasn’t saying, “Hey all these years, I’ve made her seem like she was a little intense. When she was reacting perfectly for what I was putting her through.” So I knew he was digging deeper to his exploitative privilege. And people believed him, especially his family. It was like a horror show. Most abusive husbands don’t make it past step three. But if they do those three things, here are the other six things they would also need to do.
Anne: Number 4, stop denying and minimizing all of it. Including discrediting your memories and perceptions about what happened. So he would say, “I discredited your memory and perception to manipulate you to not believe reality.” He would say something like that to you and everybody around you. Now, if you’re thinking at this point, “He would never do that. I would definitely need to get him to the right therapist to teach them how to do this.”
He’s not changing. That’s the answer. They don’t need to go to therapy. They don’t need someone to tell them. People have told them don’t lie, have integrity, don’t manipulate people and be honest. They don’t need a therapist to tell them this. They know how to do the right thing they choose not to, because their exploitative privilege brings benefits to them, and they do not want to give those up.
So if right now, while I’m listing these out, you’re thinking he would never do that. Someone would have to teach him or get him to do it. That is your answer. That is your husband’s character. And he chose this character. From all the little choices he makes every day. Until this is who he is.
I remember this phase of trying to get to safety so well. I was resisting abuse by thinking my husband didn’t know better. And so we went to so much therapy. We went to pornography addiction recovery. I got him into all the best programs. He loved the idea of me thinking he just needed help. Because that kept me trapped.
He did not want me to know that he already knew. That’s so hard. Especially when he’s manipulated us and lied to us to make us believe he’s somebody different.
Anne: Number five is shown in great detail through his actions, how his emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, and physical abuse affected you and your children. And shown empathy about how much he harmed you, without mentioning how hard it’s been for him. Without mentioning anything about himself.
So as I am waiting from a safe distance to see if my husband is changing. He’s talking with friends and family. They reported back to me that as he talked with him. He talked all about how he was having such a hard time, how he was depressed. How he was trying so hard and I wouldn’t help him. But he never once asked them how I was doing. If I was okay or if I needed anything.
One time he did message me because he was messaging me about the kids. And said, what can I do? My daughter had lost her earring when she was with him. And I said, “Pay for the $20 earring she lost at your house.” And he went on a big rant about how she shouldn’t have got her ears pierced. When she had her ears pierced three years before that. And he never said a word about it at that time. So I was like, he won’t even pay for an earring.
Anne: Because I wasn’t doing anything for him at all. I was just observing from a safe distance. He told one person, “She’s literally doing nothing. She does nothing all day.” He didn’t realize what he was saying because he wasn’t parenting the kids. He wasn’t looking after the house. I was single parenting, three young children ages six, three, and one by myself. All the childcare, all the bill paying, everything.
And then he shut down my bank accounts. So I was also making sure that we had food, making sure that we were taken care of. I was doing so much. And for him to tell someone, “She literally does nothing all day.” Was an indication to me that it was just about him. He had no sense of who I was separate from him. Because I wasn’t doing anything for him.
He perceived that I wasn’t doing anything at all. All this to say, He was constantly telling people how he felt and what he was going through. Never seemed concerned about what I was going through and how I was doing.
Anne: Number six demonstrates that you have rights and they are equal to his. So if he’s complained all the time about how his sexual needs aren’t being met at this time. He would say something like “I realized you have the right to not have sex and you have the need not to have sex. And that’s just as equal as my desire to have sex. We are equal. I don’t know how to resolve it. But because they’re equal. I can’t trump you.”
This actually reminds me of the first time I found out that he was using pornography. And he was in pornography addiction, recovery, and he told me he was changing and I was believing him at the time. So this was years before his arrest. He said, “Hey, I have a right to privacy. And so I don’t want you to tell people that I’ve been using pornography.”
And I said, “I have a right to tell people the truth. So we’re even.” Instead of saying, “Oh, that’s a good point, sounds good.” No, he got extremely angry, because his right to “privacy” was apparently more important than my right to tell people the truth. So if he still thinks his rights are more important than yours, that’s a sign your husband isn’t changing.
All right now we’re at number seven. This is the seventh sign.
Anne: All right now, we’re at number seven. This is the seventh sign your husband is changing. If he were changing, he would make constant living amends for the damages he caused you, consistently being kind and supportive and putting your needs before his own across the board for at least five years. And that’s a long time. So what you’re observing from a safe distance is new patterns over time, but for a long time. And you can wait at a safe distance for as long as you need to.
I waited for nine months, not talking with my husband at all, observing. And rather than making amends and making sure I was supported. He escalated to get me to let him back in the house, like, “Well, if she won’t let me back in the house, I’ll cut off her access to money and then she’ll have to talk to me.”
I just stayed safe. Because him doing that was a sign he wasn’t safe. So I wasn’t going to be like, “Oh, great. He’s cut off my access to money that shows me he’s safe enough to talk to.” No, no, no. I knew exactly what he was doing, and I did not want to put myself in the position for him to harm me even more. Him cutting off my access to money was harm in and of itself.
Anne: But me going to him and asking him for money would put me in a position to manipulate me, to groom me. And that scared me to death. I thought a person who is good and kind will know that I am a single mom of three tiny kids who hasn’t worked in a few years. I’m going to need money. Like any normal person would know that. So him putting me in a position where his own children might not be fed was horrifying.
He didn’t care about our basic needs, or our physical safety. And I wasn’t going to rely on someone who legit was willing to harm me and let us starve. I was not going to go to THAT guy for grocery money. Instead, I actually got food stamps. I got food from the food pantry. I was able to get on a few government programs that helped me significantly through that time, so that I didn’t have to rely on someone who would use food to harm me.
Anne: Number 8, a sign your husband is changing would be if he had stopped whining about or blaming you for the problems that are the result of his abuse. Such as financial problems you might have because maybe you’re separated. Or your loss of desire to be sexual with him, or the children’s tendency to prefer you. He would need to realize that everything related to the current situation is the consequence of his own choices. And not your response to his abuse.
My ex kept posting on Facebook during this time that he was going through this trial, this very difficult time in his life. And he could use prayers and that his wife had made these choices that were affecting him. And he was doing everything he could. Which he wasn’t doing anything, but he told everybody that. He wasn’t saying because of my abuse, my wife kicked me out of the house, which makes sense.
And now all the problems I have are related to my choices. Nope, he never said that.
Anne: And number nine, he’s given up his privileges and said goodbye to double standards, including flirting with other women or leaving without telling you where he’s going. Avoiding childcare, avoiding housework, et cetera, et etera. That he sees you as an equal. So for me, as I’m observing at a safe distance. He is telling everyone, “She’s not doing anything. She sits around and does nothing all day. And I am working so hard for the relationship.”
But I could see from my safe distance what he was doing. Like I said, he shut down my bank accounts. And then he used that money to buy an expensive rally car. He went to a week-long handgun camp. To improve his skill with a handgun. He was going to a singles congregation picking up on women, even though he hadn’t filed for divorce. So I didn’t see any of those nine signs that my husband was changing at all.
Again, If you’re still living in the same home, you can still do the workshop strategies to observe from a safe distance. That is your best bet to knowing what is going on. It’s also the safest for you. These men are really calculating and scary. And you want to be careful, because the coercive control is so intense. It’s very difficult to see reality. If we tip them off, we suspect them. They’ll just kick their grooming into high gear.
Anne: And then you can read the transcription that will have all the nine signs your husband is changing listed.
So now I’m going to share nine signs, your husband isn’t changing. Number 1, he criticizes you for considering him capable of behaving abusively, even though he’s been abusive. Like, how could I ever do that? I would never do that. You don’t have to confront him. You don’t have to say, “Hey, you were abusive.” You just need to watch him, if he says something like, “Oh, I would never do that.” When you know he has, that’s a sign.
Number 2, he reminds you about the bad things he would have done in the past, but isn’t doing any more, which amounts to threatening you.
Number 3, your husband tells you that you’re taking too long to make up your mind. And then he can’t wait forever. That’s coercion. It reminds me of when we were separated, and I was just waiting and observing from a safe distance. He shared his thoughts with people around us.
They were none of the things on that list of nine things he would do if he’s changing. But on this one, that can’t wait forever. My ex is an attorney. He only spent one night in jail, and then he bailed himself out and went to stay with his grandparents. And he made sure that I heard through the grapevine that if I didn’t let him back into the house, he would get his own apartment. He basically threatened, if she doesn’t talk to me, I’m going to get my own apartment.
And I was like, okay, go ahead and get your own apartment. Kind of like, I can’t wait forever. That was definitely a sign that he wasn’t changing.
So number 4, if he blames his behavior, the situation or his choices on you in any way, or something else like his addiction or something.
Number 5, he says I’m changing, but you don’t feel it at all.
Number 6, he says he can only change if you change too. So that sounds like, “Well, I’m willing to not yell at you anymore, but this isn’t going to work. If you keep nagging me.”
Number 7, your husband says you need to help him change by giving him emotional support. Or anything else that makes him dependent on you. Right now, I’m aware of a client at Betrayal Trauma Recovery whose ex-husband manipulates the kids by saying, “I need to be back with your mom, because she makes me a better person. Without her, I’m not a good dad.”
Anne: So then the kids come home and say, “He just needs you, you make him a better person.” That is a serious sign that he is not changing. If he says he can’t be a decent person without you. Like yikes!
Number 8, you know, your husband is not changing if he criticizes you for not realizing how much he’s changed. But he hasn’t changed.
And number 9, if you don’t trust that as changes will last, and he criticizes you. Those are nine signs that he’s not changing.
Before you do anything about this list, please enroll in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop, so you know how to get to emotional safety without having to talk to him about it. It does not mean divorce. That’s not what it means. It means creating some space between you and him emotionally, so that you can start seeing what is happening. Then from that safe distance you can observe.
Without saying anything to him, Is he doing any of these things? Because if you’ve told him to do it, and then he does it, we know a hundred percent of that is grooming and manipulation.
Anne: When I did my observation from a safe distance, I almost crawled out of my skin. It was so painful. It was so hard. I kept thinking he needs a therapist. Explain it to him. Like, he’s not going to get it. I didn’t realize back then that he had heard it from so many places, church and just general society.
Pretty much everyone knows you shouldn’t lie to your wife, but he was still lying to me. He didn’t need a therapist. He just needed to stop lying to me. But I really genuinely thought he couldn’t do it. Now I’ve observed him over the last 10 years since I have divorced my abusive husband, and he continues to be this way.
Now I’m very comfortable with saying, oh, this is who he is. And this is who he’s chosen to be. But back in the day, when I tried to decide, is he safe? Can he change? It was absolutely the most uncomfortable, painful, difficult thing.
The Living Free Workshop will give you some thought strategies to reduce the pain a little bit. It’s still going to be painful and hard, but so you can get through that difficult time of observing to see what his character truly is like.
And then our coaches are always here to help you. If you’re trying to figure out like, is he changing?
Is he not changing? I don’t know what to do next. We are here for you. We’d love to see you in a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today.
