Many women wonder, “Can trauma affect your sex drive?” Yes, trauma can have a profound impact. Especially if your partner emotionally traumatized you.
It’s a basic fact that emotional abuse isn’t attractive. There are 19 different types of emotional abuse, to see if you’ve been experiencing any one of the 19 types, take our free emotional abuse quiz.
If your husband lied to you, of course, you’re not going to want to have contact. Healthy intimacy is based on trust and empathy. If he’s been lying to you about anything, that will affect your drive.
However, if he’s been lying to you about his pornography use or his affairs, of course you won’t feel emotionally and physically safe with him.
If you feel unsafe with your husband, learn more about this by listening to the FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast.
Yes, many women don’t understand the different types of trauma you may be experiencing. For example, some men traumatize their partners by not caring about her experience. If your husband has never cared if you enjoy it, or if you get anything out of it, that’s traumatizing. Why would any woman want to under those circumstances? It’s normal to not want to do something that isn’t enjoyable for you.
And if your husband insists you owe it to him for whatever reason, that’s coercion. And coercion is an absolute turn off. It’s completely normal to not want to be intimate with someone manipulating and exploiting you.
If you find yourself numbing out or emotionally detached during just to get it over with, there’s a likelihood that the experience is abusive in nature.
If he doesn’t care that you’re not engaged or that you have to detach to get through it, he doesn’t possess the empathy required to be a healthy partner. It’s normal to not want to have it with someone who doesn’t care about you.
Whether you’ve experienced emotional, physical, or psychological trauma due to his emotional and psychological abuse and coercion, it’s normal to experience anxiety, dissociation, and even fear.
You don’t owe anyone this for any reason. It’s not a crime to not want it. It’s not immoral or unethical to not want it. The problem isn’t that you don’t want to have it. He feels entitled to it with you, that is the problem. And is emotionally and psychologically abusive to manipulate you to do it when you don’t want to. In fact, it’s called coercion.
Understand that couple therapy or improved communication won’t solve his abuse problems. It’s normal that your drive only comes online when you’re with someone who…
Remember, it’s normal to be disgusted by someone who is emotionally and psychologically abusive.
If you’re navigating the impact of trauma on your sex life, there’s nothing “wrong” with you, and you’re not broken. Wondering, how can trauma affect me? Find support in our online Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions.
Anne: It’s just me today. Many women ask, can trauma affect your sex drive? And the answer is, absolutely. And here are three things to know. If you’re listening and thinking when I found out about his use of exploitative material or affairs, I actually wanted to have it more. We will cover that in a different episode.
Anne: I grew up on Indiana Jones. In my home, we had a VHS player and a tape of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I think I recorded it off of TV. There’s a period of my life where every Saturday I watched Raiders of the Lost Ark via VHS. So I have a lot of this movie memorized. With this new Indiana Jones coming out, I’m so excited to see it.
Of course, I’m going to be there. And I’m going to love it. But I have mixed feelings about Indiana Jones in terms of, maybe, how media and culture have affected my sexuality. And I say that because I’m not interested in getting married and dating. I’ll go on a date every once in a while, and I am noticing lately that I have more maybe interest. Dating after narcissistic abuse is hard. When I say that, I like a hundred percent of the time I’m not a hundred percent disgusted by it. And that did occur for a long time.
I’m 90 percent disgusted by it 90 percent of the time. There’s like 10 percent where I’m like, oh, maybe I would want to have it again. And I feel like that 10 percent of the time. When that occurs is usually due to some Indiana Jones type character on a movie I watch. Can trauma affect you? So that’s why I’m saying maybe it has ruined my desire for it. In that many shows I watch where I’m attracted to a man, they’re strong, they’re capable physically, I’m attracted to manly problem solvers who are able to save the day.
Anne: I actually went to Petra, where part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade filmed. When they found the Valley of the Crescent Moon. So you go through the slot canyon, which looks like where I’m from. It looks like southern Utah, so I felt like I was home there. Anyway, so I go through the slot canyon and get to the end. And here is this amazing facade carved out of the cliff. It’s called The Treasury. It was overwhelming. This is where I discovered strategies to heal from your husband’s emotional abuse.
So I see The Treasury in real life, and I just break down in like hysterical crying. I was sobbing. I could not stop crying. Because it represented my childhood, ideas of what men were, what masculinity was. And the kind of man I wanted, which, what, Indiana Jones?That’s crazy. There are no men in real life like Indiana Jones. My ex husband is physically capable. He is strong and physically attractive. And he could pick up railroad ties and throw them around in our yard.
And when he did yard projects and got dirt on his face, I was extremely attracted to him. So I’m standing in front of The Treasury, and I just break down. Can trauma affect you? All my childhood dreams and hopes are just standing there in front of me. But there’s no Indiana Jones.
I’m just there and he’s not around, and it was miserable, actually, in that moment. I took my journal, thank goodness, and I was journaling quite a bit.
Anne: The interesting thing about the Treasury, the actual Treasury, the one in Petra, is that it is just a facade. You can’t go in it, but if you could, there’s like a tiny room in there. There’s not some palace inside of there. It’s just this beautiful facade, and most of Petra is like that. It’s just facades, not like palaces built into the rock. And that really hit me. All of the things that I thought I wanted. This Indiana Jones character was just a hollow facade.
And yet, that type of man, like the Indiana Joneses of the world, is still what I’m attracted to. And it’s annoying me, because I would not want to be married to Indiana Jones. He would be the worst husband in the world. I’ve been thinking a lot about how perhaps movies have perhaps messed me up.
These types of men I am attracted to, for sure, but I don’t necessarily want to be. I wish I was attracted to other types of men. So in the process of this, rather than worry about it too much. Can trauma affect you? I just decided not to worry about dating. And I like that. I’m so happy with my life. I love it, my kids, being a mom, and doing this podcast.
And I love everything we do at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. It is so satisfying. And maybe when my kids move out, I’ll think about it. By that time, I will be 55 years old. And maybe I will meet, you know, a 53 year old man who is not like Indiana Jones, and maybe I won’t be that attracted to him. And maybe that will be great.
Anne: I don’t know. I’m wondering if you guys have had the same situation where you know what healthy is and that’s what you’re interested in. Maybe you’re not interested in dating like I am. But then who you’re attracted to is not necessarily the “healthy” guy. I’m not saying I’m attracted to bad guys.
Like, no, I’m not dating anybody. I never get myself in a pickle. I’m not flirting with people. If you knew me in real life, you’d be like, oh yeah, she does not flirt with people. I don’t have a problem with not dating. I think I give off a leave me alone vibe, which suits me fantastic.
So there’s no hanky panky going on with me. But I’m wondering how you feel about how media or movies toyed a little bit with who you’re attracted to. And then also what you know would be better for a marriage.
Anne: That being said, since I’ve never had a healthy marriage, and this is not a podcast for healthy marriages, healthy marriages aren’t meant to be hard. I talk about abuse and what that looks like. I’m not concerned about women in healthy marriages coming to Betrayal Trauma Recovery and then out of thin air deciding for no reason that their husband is abusive when he’s not.
That’s not what happens. Women with healthy marriages, if they listen to this podcast, they’re like, oh wow, my husband’s nothing like that. Women who have an abusive husband, when they listen, will be like, check, check, check. Ugh! He’s emotionally and psychologically abusive. That’s what’s going on. That’s what’s happening. That’s not BTR’s fault. It’s the abuser’s fault. They’re the ones doing the abusing.
So, even though I may be an abuse expert, somebody like Indiana Jones, in Raiders of the Lost Ark, still seems so cool to me. Why is that? Why am I so lame? In real life, that would be a disaster. I’d love to know your thoughts about this. Please comment below. Follow us on social media, on Instagram.
It might be that I would be attracted to a healthy person. Just nobody healthy has shown up that was available the date. That’s probably what’s going on. Sorry, it took me this time to like process. Why am I still attracted to Indiana Jones? This is ridiculous. You know why? It’s because a healthy man in real life has not asked me on a date. I’m guessing I would be attracted to them. If that happens, I’ll let you know. But in the meantime, I’d love to know what you think.
