If you’re Googling what is emotional adultery, you’re probably trying to make sense of something that feels wrong in your marriage—but isn’t obvious enough for anyone around you to take seriously.
Maybe you’ve found videos on his phone. Or he’s glued to inappropriate media late at night. Maybe he swears it’s “not cheating” because “he’s not with a real person.”
But in this podcast episode, Anne Blythe, M.Ed., founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, and her mom break it down with startling clarity:
If he is using inappropriate media and stimulating himself to it, he is having virtual sex. And virtual sex is adultery.
Not metaphorical adultery.
Not “almost cheating.”
Actual adultery.
And once you understand why, emotional adultery becomes much easier to recognize.
Here’s the simplest test:
When he wants comfort, excitement, escape, or connection… who (or what) is he turning toward?
If he’s giving his emotional energy, sexual focus, and bonding hormones to a virtual world (or to women on a screen) rather than you, then emotional adultery is already happening.
It’s a real betrayal because it breaks the emotional, sexual, and spiritual exclusivity of the marriage.
As Anne’s mom says, men used to call this “phone sex.” The only difference today is the delivery method. If he is viewing inappropriate media and stimulating himself, he is performing a sexual act—just not with you.
It’s not “a computer.” It’s a real woman on video (or it’s based on one). He’s using people as a product for his own gratification.
The same hormones and neurological bonding.
Your marriage isn’t exempt just because the other person can’t see him.
“If a man lusts after a woman, he has already committed adultery in his heart.”
That was long before smartphones existed. The principle still stands.
No one likes picturing their husband sitting in front of a phone or computer, doing what he’s doing. So society softens the language. They treat it like a hobby. But minimizing something doesn’t make it less harmful.
Emotional adultery isn’t “victimless.”
Part of the betrayal is that he’s bonding with himself while using another woman as the stimulus. This is not intimacy, it’s isolation to have sex alone.
Emotional adultery is when a husband gives his emotional and sexual intimacy to something outside the marriage.
It can look like:
It’s the slow, steady siphoning of intimacy away from you and into a world where he holds all the control.
If you’ve been trying to convince yourself it’s not adultery because “he wasn’t with a real person,” this episode gives you permission to trust what your body already knows:
It is adultery.
It is betrayal.
And it is abuse.
If you’re still unsure, here are some common signs women notice:
Women almost always sense emotional adultery before they can prove it.
If your husband is engaging in virtual sex or any pattern that fits emotional adultery, you deserve support from women who actually understand what this means, not people who minimize it or blame you.
Our daily support group is designed FOR YOU. We never shame you for refusing to accept emotional adultery as “normal.
Anne: My mom is joining me today because lately she’s been on a soap box, an awesome soap box. That we should talk more about how exploitative media isn’t just viewing videos. Or pictures, but it’s actually virtual intercourse because it involves masturbation.
It involves the bonding chemicals that you release during intercourse. I have a section of this in my book that will be coming out soon, about how masturbation is always part of the equation.
Anne: Can you explain why you think that instead of calling it what we normally do, we should just say virtual sex?
Mom: Well, the reason I thought it’s important is because a lot of the world doesn’t think it involves anything else other than just looking.
But when they look at those pictures, there are real women who had their picture taken. They’re somebody’s mom, they’re somebody’s daughter, somebody’s sister. They are real women. The other thought I had is that, usually in connection with the it, men masturbate. Just like Anne said at the opening, that involves the same chemicals. The same hormonal response that a man would have with a live woman.
So, I just felt instead of everybody saying, well, avoid exploitative media, blah, blah, blah. You need to call it virtual sex. Because that’s what it is. Back when I was younger, many men used phone sex. That’s what they called it, phone sex. They would call on the phone, it was a real woman, and she was responding in real time. Of course, he would be masturbating at the same time. So that was where I came from.
Mom: And then also the quote in Matthew, I think it’s in chapter 5, and I believe it’s verse 28, where it says, If a man lusts after a woman, he has already committed adultery in his heart.
Anne: Many people don’t think that just it’s adultery. But if you combine it with masturbation to create a sexual experience. That someone’s having or performing with another person or thing. In this case, with a virtual scenario, they are actually having sex with a computer.
Mom: Yeah, you wouldn’t say computer. That conjures up all kinds of other issues, but no, I mean …
Anne: It’s not just a picture though. it’s a video.
Mom: A video of a real person, yes. They’re just providing their own physical stimulation.
Anne: Like the responses I’ve received from the few people I’ve said it to so far. That virtual sex is adultery. And what includes virtual sex isn’t just a VR, like goggles that you would wear. But actually viewing anything and masturbating is virtual sex. That’s what it is. Why do you think people think it’s not adultery?
Mom: I think they have in mind that it’s just this innocent thing. On the man’s part, I guess I should say, but it doesn’t involve a real person in real time. But these women, many of them, are either sex trafficked. Or forced into doing this by virtue of drug abuse or slavery.
Anne: Regardless of how they got there.
Mom: Right.
Anne: They’re a real person. And the man still has real, actual sex with that person. That he does not know, that has no name, that’s on the film. The other thing is that he actually has real sex with himself.
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Mom: When people hear that he just uses this stuff all the time, they don’t view it as innocent, just looking at a picture type of thing.
Anne: Or a video.
Mom: Or a video, yeah. But I think, this is my soap box here, it really is virtual sex. And we should call it what it really is, so that there’s no confusion about it.
Anne: When you think of a man sitting in front of a computer or his phone. Just looking at it.
Anne: People do not envision him looking at their phone or computer while masturbating. Because who wants to think about that?
Mom: Yeah.
Anne: No one.
Mom: Yeah, it’s too awkward, it’s too uncomfortable. Many people have trouble even saying the word masturbation.
Anne: Right
Mom: It’s not a comfortable thing.
Anne: No, so it makes sense that when you say it, that’s what people envision. That they’re looking at their phone or computer.
Mom: Many people in the world, me not being one of them, think masturbation is fine. So, that’s the other issue. It’s not just that we don’t see them as maybe not having sex. But they don’t view that as “sex” when it really is. It involves the same hormones, the same body responses.
Anne: They’re having sex with themselves.
Mom: Yes.
Anne: We want to know what you think about this. We would welcome your comments. Please go to BTR.ORG and find this podcast episode. Do you think it’s adultery and why?
Mom: When it involves someone in a committed relationship.
Anne: If they’re not in a committed relationship, is it fornication? Yes. In my opinion. If you are a religious person and believe in the commandments and law of chastity, then it would be fornication.
It’s either fornication or adultery, but in neither of those cases, in my opinion, is it okay. Maybe you disagree. We’d love to hear your thoughts on it.
Mom: Or bad company.
Anne: Or you’re in very bad company. We’re such an evil influence.
Mom: Dangerous.
Anne: I know. We’re laughing because people call my ideas dangerous a lot of the time. So, it’s so dangerous to say that exploitative media is adultery. Woo! When Christ himself said it. In what, Matthew?
Mom: Matthew chapter 5.
Anne: I love my Mom.
Anne: I’m super grateful that she came on today, and I love her opinion that we should start saying virtual sex.
If you agree with our stance, that it’s adultery. That it’s virtual sex. And it’s also emotional and psychological abuse and sexual coercion. If you agree with us, maybe because your husband has virtual sex with women online, and you need support, and you totally get it. You know what we’re talking about.
We’re here for you. There are many so-called betrayal trauma therapists, coaches or groups out there. But they don’t approach using exploitative media or infidelity, virtual sex as an abuse issue. Or they try to “treat” both the abuser and the victim in the same setting, which is unethical. BTR groups sessions are different.
We get it. We never victim blame, and we are here to support you. So if you relate to anything we said in this episode, check out our daily support group schedule. We’d love to see you in a group session today.
