On this episode of Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner, our guest is Tashina Fritz, the founder of FIT4MOM Lanier. A mother to three girls, Tashina lost her mother three years ago, and talks to us about the past 3 years of discovering who she is, how she handles the grieving process, and the effort - and sometimes joy - of keeping moving.
Topics Discussed:
We know that grief is a personal and specific experience with its own steps and its own processes. There is a huge community of women who are experiencing similar feelings of loss and uncertainty - and this is the place where you can find support and help. Not only is it important for you to practice self-care and healing for yourself, but to allow you to be present for your family, and part of this world. Surviving carries its own burdens, and grief is never easy, but thriving is the perfect way to keep the memory of your mother alive.
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Transcript
Tashina Fritz: 00:00 It was, it was, it was trying to gain that identity that hey, you are still worth pursuing. You are still worth being a mom to your kids. You are still have value with what you have to say to others. Even within the depth of that grief,
Kat Bonner: 00:20 you're listening to life after losing mom with me. Kat Bonner. On this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their mom and discovered the exact coping strategies you need to get through the day and being the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode of life after losing mom. Subscribe today. More information can be found at katbonner.com/podcast and if you'd like to join a group of likeminded women had to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community.
New Speaker: 00:48 Hello. Tashina. How are you going? Well good, thank you. Well, I know briefly a little bit about, um, what you do. Um, but we will get to that at the end of the show. So I just wanted to thank you for being here,
Tashina Fritz: 01:11 right. Well, thank you for having me. I'm excited to talk a little bit about my journey with, you know, having to deal with the loss of my mother. Um, at an age I was 30 when she passed and how, and I have three kids and I, my youngest was eight weeks old when she passed and, and how to come to terms that, hey, she won't be there for my kids. She won't be grandma any warships be a distant memory as well as how to navigate grief for myself and my girls. That was a, a big challenge. And so I just, three years, fast forward, it will be three years, June 24th. So I'm coming up on that anniversary in a couple of weeks and it's been a long road. It's been a lot of tears, but also a lot of joy and having to navigate through grief counseling and what I do with fit from them, the near and being able to pour into other moms. I'll talk about that later. But um, it's been, it's been an okay road and I'm surviving. I take it one day at a time and we just see how it goes.
Kat Bonner: 02:34 Wonderful. Thank you for sharing. I love how you're saying take it one day at a time because that's so important in grief and well just life in general, but especially with grief and wow. Yeah, eight weeks when your youngest one was eight weeks. So it was, it was a little emotional. It's just, yeah, that's, so you have three girls too?
Tashina Fritz: 02:57 Do I have three girls there?
Kat Bonner: 02:58 Oh Wow. So it's like a
Speaker 3: 03:00 double whammy. It's like, okay, like you're a girl who like lost her mom and I mean, I hate to think that that's different than like men, but three girls. It's like you have that relationship with them that you had with your mom, so you're like, oh crud. Not having it. It's, it's, it's challenging because you know too, you see on Facebook are our biggest demise. But we see, you know, other girls with their moms and you know, grandma time and talking about generations and you're like, oh, this is tough because my kids won't have that. My, my oldest was four when my mom passed and my middle was too. And they, my oldest, of course, she had a really good relationship with my mom and so she remembers her in my, my middle does a bit as well. Um, she, she kind of has a really good memory surprisingly in that, so she's got some great memories of grandma.
Speaker 3: 04:00 Um, my youngest though, she has no idea. And one thing that was cool about my mom, my mom was an identical twin. And so my aunt lives very close by to us and she looks exactly like grandma. Um, and so my girls have been blessed with having a backup grandma to say the least. Um, but my youngest, she's like, she doesn't understand. They're like, oh, I'll have pictures of my mom and my aunt. And she's just like, well that's, that's aunt die. And you're like, well, no, that's grandma and aunt die. She's just like, no, it's not. And so trying to, trying to explain to her and keep my mom's memory alive. I know she'll, she's only three and she'll understand it eventually. But, um, trying to, to talk about grandma with her. She's just like, no, mom, I don't, this is aunt grandma. This is aunt die, but my older girls are like, no, Evelyn, this is grandma. So we have it. We have a lot of those conversations in our house, which you brings, brings a lot of laughter with it cause it is just like kind of a silly situation to have. Um, but a very unique situation as well.
Kat Bonner: 05:16 I love that. That's, I'm sure you know as you're younger one gets older, she'll understand more, but like having them close by. I can't imagine. I mean I get confused anyways when there's two of them, saint and clean bus side by side. So, oh my gosh. I, I wonder if there are anything alike.
Speaker 3: 05:33 Yeah, they're my, my mom and my aunt. They're very much alive.
Kat Bonner: 05:40 Oh well I also say, how do you feel about that? Is that weird?
Speaker 3: 05:44 Yeah, it's, it's kind of a mixed bag of emotions and just like kind of how grief is like, yeah, my mom died of breast cancer and so I always tell people about it, you know, they're like, don't you wish she was here? And you're like, well of course I would need her
Tashina Fritz: 05:58 here pre breast cancer. Like, I do not want her back the way that she was just cause cancer is awful, awful cancer thing. And um, it's the same with mine.
Speaker 3: 06:09 Yeah. Like I am so thankful that I have her because I get a glimpse of my mom with her and as well as to like, I can still at least ask her questions like, do you remember this when I was little, you know, cause those memories start to fade. Like
Tashina Fritz: 06:23 what? You know, what happened? My mom was a child, especially with my girls asking these wars, mommy, did you do that as a kid? And you're like, mmm,
Speaker 3: 06:30 maybe I did. And so I do have that with my aunt to be able to talk about it. But then I also have a person that's walking around that looks exactly,
Tashina Fritz: 06:39 we like my mom and she's not. And that also makes it difficult as well because you, it's all, it's a reminder that you don't have your mom. And so it's, you know, the same way that grief is where it's just that mix bag of, um, I'm very thankful for it, but it's also tough at the same time.
Kat Bonner: 07:00 Yeah, absolutely. I don't know how I would feel if somebody was walking around that look like my mom that was not my mom. I feel like, yeah, you would probably never get
Speaker 3: 07:10 used to that. It's definitely weird. I'll have to send you a picture because they, I mean, they do look a lot of likely a lot of pictures from when they were little girls. My mom and my aunt, like we can't even tell where, like, I don't even know who was, who say look so much alike. So it is definitely, it's, it's different.
Kat Bonner: 07:32 I mean, that's funny. I guess like identical quint, I'd, uh, identical twins
Tashina Fritz: 07:37 are
Kat Bonner: 07:38 identical, but you don't really think about this thing until you're in the situation. You're like, oh my goodness, what in the world?
Speaker 3: 07:47 I know. I remember I was, I'm on a motherless daughters site, um, on Facebook, which is super helpful because, you know, I always encourage people when I, oh, I talked to other people that have gone through loss with their mom and I'm like, you need to get on something because it's like that strange comfort that you get from hearing other people with the same loss. Like it's just, I don't know if it's like a misery loves company or in, but you know, you just get a lot of comfort from the fact that other people have lost their moms too. And, and, and seeing that, hey, they're actually making it and they're, they're surviving. So I can too. And, um, I remember that one day I just posted and I was like, has anybody, you know, have their mom as a twin and in these sites? I mean, they have thousands of, of people in it. And, and you know, everybody was just like, no, like, no, I don't have that problem. I'm like, okay.
Kat Bonner: 08:42 I know I'm not alone, but like from this site, I was like, oh, okay. Oh, well, this is awkward,
Speaker 3: 08:50 Walt Lott. No,
Kat Bonner: 08:53 that's funny. Yeah. I, I mean it's always nice to have somebody who understands your loss, whether it will, I wouldn't say somebody who understands, I would say people have been through the same loss because there, those are two different things. So if that is found on Facebook, if that is found through meetup, if that is found in target, you know, whatever it's found, it's there, you know, it doesn't matter regardless, it's very much so needed. Um, it seems like your mom pass like, right when, like she was a grandma. I mean, obviously she had been at grandma for four years, but like if you don't plan on having any more kids, it's like, yeah, right after, you know, like your last kid was born, you know, so, and obviously like we always need our moms, but I feel like you really needed her when your last kid was born. It's like really, really? Does it have to be now?
Speaker 3: 09:55 Yes, exactly. That was, it was, it was challenging. Not only, you know, two, I had just had a baby, so my hormones are going crazy. I just didn't know. But yeah, you know, you're just like, wait, like my mom always, my mom was just very intentional with her time and family. It was just always so important. So like with my older two girls, she took several weeks. She always took like a maternity leave and would come and stay with us and just help us with like, you know, just everything, you know with your mom. It's like you don't even have to ask. They just do, you know, they, they cleaned the house. They do, you know, just it just, it all comes second nature. And um, with my youngest, with Evelyn, it was, it was tough cause you're just like, here I have this eight legal here, we're planning a few role, I'm navigating grief and the loss of mom and, and you know the whole families who's broken.
Speaker 3: 10:52 And it's, it was, it was tough cause you're just like, how do you keep going on? Because you have to, cause you have the, especially in eight week goal, if you'd like, depends entirely on mommy, but also just grieve. And that was, it was, it was tough. It was a lot of dark times, let's just say that, um, that, that occurred because it, it just, you're like, Whoa, I, I, you know, this is tough. Like how, how do you keep going with these things? And, um, an d so that's kind of when I went ahead and started fit for mom linear. Um, we, we're originally from Phoenix, Arizona is where I had my first two girls and we moved to Georgia to be with my mom where, um, my parents live and, and um, I was planning on starting a fit from home. It's a franchise I had.
Speaker 3: 11:50 I actually had my, my contract to my franchise that day that my mom passed. And so of course I didn't sign that day because that was not going to happen. But I want ahead and four weeks later signed that contract and opened up shop. And I think a lot of people might look at me, it's like, wow, that is crazy. Why would you start a business, you know, four weeks of, you know, having your mom passed. But I, it gave me so much purpose and something to do and pour into and just like a direction to go. Um, and so I did it. It's crazy as it was and went head first into it.
Kat Bonner: 12:35 Yeah, that's so important. I, I mean there's no, you know, timeframe for anything. It really just depends. But I mean, you have to have, like, especially when you're reading, you have to have something to motivate you and that keeps you going and like a reason behind dealing with all of this. I mean, like you said, like you literally have to have a purpose and you know, whatever that is for you is whatever that is. So it's so funny that you, I was up at the asking did you start fit for mom, you know, after your mom passed. But I mean, it's so funny to look at, you know, how the timing works out. Um, I feel like a lot of women in our situation probably struggle with finding purpose. And when you, at least for me, like when you don't find purpose, you really start to like lose sight of certain things, like lose sight of who you are. It's like, why am I doing this? Like, am I like, I don't know this person. Like I'm just crying all the time or you know, that sort of thing in grief can I think because the grief is so like, um, individualized that it's easy to lose sight of who you are as an individual without that purpose. So do you think that fit for mom help to you, you know, rediscover your identity through grieving or you know, what helped you, you know, figure out who this new person was?
Speaker 3: 14:20 Yeah, I think it definitely played a huge role. So I mean I'll explain it fit four mom, linear. Basically what it is is where a workout program for Moms, we work out with our kiddos and we have some classes where we don't, but it is solely moms that work out together. And, you know, I just kind of came to a turning point. I did it, um, in Arizona where we're from. I was an instructor and I did from when my oldest, who's seven now, she was nine weeks old is when I found it and it gave me so purpose as a mom,
Tashina Fritz: 14:52 um, free moving out here and free owning one is a franchise. And you know, cause you know, as moms just being a mom, you have all the questions with these
Speaker 3: 15:03 brand new babies and you're just like, you always feel like you're failing and everything and um, it's just tough. It's just tough being. And um, and so it was a true blessing
Tashina Fritz: 15:12 seem to me in navigating how to be a mom. Um, when my mom lived in Georgia and I was across the country, um, to have those ladies to lean on. And so when I decided to start it out here, I knew that one, the sole reason that I started it was for other moms to be around me and pour into me and threw it. I pour into mom's like crazy. I mean that's, that's also why I started it, but at the time I needed some moms to rally around me and, and be like, hey, you're doing okay. You can do this. You got this. Um, and in that was huge just with pulling me out of the depths of grief and allowing me to just start the healing process. Um, and I also big purpose through it was I had a great mom. My mom was awesome. She was unbelievably wise. She, like we always cracked up because she never knew a stranger. Like people would like, she just sit down and talk to him and people would like share their life story with her. And she just had this cool, um, knack with her that, um, just really minister to people and in, I have a bit of that too, you know, and I had to kind of
Tashina Fritz: 16:38 put on my big girl panties and be like, you know what, what's a great way to honor my mom? It's by doing what she did in a lot of ways, important to other people. And so I was able to really just say, you know, I had a great mom, I was taught to be a really good mom, now I'm going to go help other mothers do the same. And it's, it does. It gives you that sense of identity and that purpose of like, you know what, hey, we're all going to be okay.
Speaker 3: 17:10 Now that doesn't mean I'm perfect by any means. You can add a lot of my clients, you know they're there. We have good days and we have bad days, but
Tashina Fritz: 17:18 the one true thing that we fall back on is that we are here to embetter one another's lives and to lift one another up and carry them through. Because when you go into even just mothers, a group of mothers, all of them carry some sort of grief. A lot of it's from losing their own children through miscarriage or various things are good. Bit of them even have lost parents and, and how I've going through what I did with my mom has been able to really open up the floodgates with other moms and just being like, I get your grief. I get, I'll get the death of that sorrow. And you know what? We can just keep moving forward, but it's still there. That whole will always still be there. But that doesn't mean that you have to shut down and stuff life. That means that you get to take that hole and you can protect it as much as he need that you're going to keep that growth all around that whole just building up and building up so that you still will be able to flourish. And um, that's where, that's where your fit from us. We come that purpose for me to be able to do that for other moms as well as myself and kind of in that practice,
Speaker 3: 18:38 just what you preach. Like, so if I'm telling this to other moms, will I better be doing it too? We'll leave, you know, at my own stuff. And so, um,
Tashina Fritz: 18:46 that's what, where I did find my identity with it.
Kat Bonner: 18:50 Yeah. I love that. It almost seems like, you know, you were trying to not necessarily find your purpose, but like, okay, sorry, that sounds really bad, but, um, seems like that was a way that you've found your community. You know, like even if there weren't a whole ton of moms in there who had lost a mom, nonetheless, you still were around women who could just relate because that's the way that those women were. And that's the way that their mindset was. So do you think that you were struggling to find your identity as a person or in a struggling to find your identity as a mom?
Tashina Fritz: 19:41 I think Holly more as a person. Well, I'm,
Speaker 3: 19:47 you know, I was, I was very blessed in the fact that I really, my mom was
Tashina Fritz: 19:52 one of the first losses I've had to deal with and, um,
Speaker 3: 19:57 which is amazing, but also very tough because it was a tough loss. Did you, like when you, it's one of your first ones and, and
Tashina Fritz: 20:06 I, uh, it was, it was, it was trying to gain that identity that hey, you are still worth pursuing. You are still worth being a mom to your kids, you are still have value with what you have to say to others. Even within the depth of that grief. And
Speaker 3: 20:31 I went through a good bit of counseling as well. Um, and that, that's main, that's been a huge help and just giving me the strength to be, be
Tashina Fritz: 20:40 bold and talk about my grief and talk about how know at losing your mom does suck. Like for lack of a better way to put it. It, it, it just, it just straight sucks. And, and you know what? That's okay too. To acknowledge that it does, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to navigate everything that I do in a negative way. I'm going to let it navigate everything I do in a positive way because my grief, yes, it will always be a part of me and I will never lose it because you, I mean, you hear people that celebrating 60 some odd years without their mom and it's still stings. It's, it's now become a new part of the Va. But I'm not going to let the negativity of my grief define who I am and I'm going to allow it to be a blessing to others by talking about it. And if I can just get even one person that helps with going through grief themselves, I think it's a success and it's going, I'm going to use it to empower. I'm not gonna use it to tear me down.
Kat Bonner: 22:04 Yeah, absolutely. So obviously it seems like,
Kat Bonner: 22:12 I mean, how can you not struggle with your identity? You know when you lose the person who like birth, do you, I know that sounds, you know, a little, I guess vulgar or I don't even know what their credit for bridges here, but I'm like gory. But you know, regardless if I, like if a woman is a close is close to her mom or not, I mean that's just such a special bond than a mother and her daughter have like a mother and her child even. So what was it that you think, obviously I know that fit for mom helps you rediscover your identity, but was there something like specifically a bout, it seems to me the way you know I'm interpreting it is that when your mom died, you know, you like had just become a mom again. So maybe that's why like that's where the identity was being tied in, like working with other moms. Um, yeah. What are your thoughts on that?
Tashina Fritz: 23:21 Yeah, I mean I would say most definitely. I mean I was starting over again with the baby and in I raised two girls with mom, but now I have a new baby to raise without and going through a lot of first without her. And um, you know, cause you, when something new happens you take, you pick up that phone and you're like, hey mom, you know, they did this or why didn't have that anymore. And so having to kind of understand, like internalize and, and in find that identity that hey, you are strong in yourself. You don't have to call mom for it. You can celebrate those things with them. You and with your fam. Yeah, my husband and my kid knows and trying to find that identity that I am a strong mom without my mom being here and that I can do things without mom being here. And it was really just finding that hey, you are strong and you can do this in
Tashina Fritz: 24:42 Bart was a huge part of kind of that inner dialogue that I had to have with myself constantly still do. Um, a good is that hey, you can do this. You, you, he got this basically and just kind of letting yourself be like, it's okay that I don't have mom to call anymore. It's okay that I don't have advice from her. Why? Because you know what? She has given me everything that I needed, all the tools that I needed and now I just need to lean on them and take them in the forward and make them my tools that now define me who I have can go forward. And that's a great way to honor my mom as well as be like, you, you taught me these and now I'm going to move forward and I'm going to stand on them. And, and um, it's helped me go through a lot of, yeah, just put, putting on those big girl britches basically.
Kat Bonner: 25:43 Yeah. I mean you're very right. And it's so weird to think like sometimes it's immediate when you realize that you are struggling with your identity and you don't know who you are anymore. But then an other aspects, it's like, wait, it takes you awhile to like realize that this is what you're struggling with. So for you, was it like immediate or more gradual that, you know, you realize you were really struggling with your identity?
Tashina Fritz: 26:24 I'd say it was fair, fairly immediate. Um, it was, you know, cause you are just, it just hits you. He was like, oh my gosh, how can I do this? How, how am I able to, to go on and, and do the day to day like I used to. I, I don't know if I can, you know, and, and really grappling with that.
Speaker 4: 26:55 Yeah.
Tashina Fritz: 26:56 It was, it was hard to, to navigate how to do that, how to move forward and say, all right,
Speaker 4: 27:08 yeah,
Tashina Fritz: 27:09 you can do this. You, you will, you will survive basically. And, and
Speaker 4: 27:17 yeah,
Tashina Fritz: 27:19 mainly getting right into grief counseling. That was huge on just kind of allowing myself to talk about the tragedy as well as the with it. And
Tashina Fritz: 27:35 that kind of started, you're just washing over you and just kind of bringing up a good reminders and honestly crying a lot. Um, especially at first fine often. Um, and it's just, I think just allowing yourself to grieve and be a mom saying, okay, this is what it is now. I can't bring mom back. It's not going to happen. Hmm. Um, and so I can, I can be okay and I can move forward and I can be the mom that she wanted me to be and I can be the wife that she wanted me to see that she looked down on and from taught. And I can be that person and allowing myself to be the person that my mom taught me to be. Um, by just kind of on winding, just the grief and unwinding the hurt. And that was a huge part of just saying, okay, I got this. This is what I'm going to be. I'm going to be this mom that my mom taught me to be and I can do that.
Kat Bonner: 28:59 Yeah. I, I love that you mentioned that and like realizing that, you know, it almost was immediate and
Speaker 4: 29:07 okay.
Kat Bonner: 29:08 That is almost hard to explain. Like in general, it's hard to put, you know, your feelings into words sometimes, especially when it comes to grief because Ge is grief is grief, but it's like, did you struggle with, you know, finding your identity in the past? Like, how did you, I mean, I know fit for mom was like how you coped with that, but did you have to try like a bunch of things? Like how did you cope this struggle
Tashina Fritz: 29:42 of grief to, you know, move on from it. Is there a specific thing that helped you? I would say, I mean, grief counseling was huge fun and amazing counselor. Um, I actually tried a couple and finally found one that was like, oh, she's, this is my person. You know? And I always encourage people if they're going through any kind of substantial loss, like if they're not meshing with the counselor change and you will find that one. But really I think just unraveling what grief is, was a big turning point for me. Um, cause you know what, when you don't, when you haven't dealt with grief, you kind of just say, all right, I'll check off this box and I'll check off this box, you know, like denial and all these things, not just start checking them off. And once I get over him, then I'm over him and, and then I'll send you lose somebody and you're like, oh wait,
Speaker 3: 30:41 wait. I could do, Tuesday may have been my day of denial. But, uh, Wednesday was my angry day and Thursday was my cry. You know, and you're hitting them all. Or it could have been just like by the hour, who knows? And
Tashina Fritz: 30:56 I think just really grappling the understanding of what grief was and that grief is, it won't end. It's not going to stop. I'm never going to stop grieving my mother. It's not going to stop. And I think just kind of coming to that terms that there's no book ends on grief. It will always happen. We will have good days and you'll have bad days. And as time progresses, you have more good days than bad days. And allowing yourself to, to have good days that uh, telling yourself that it's okay to have joyful times admiss your grief, you can still have a lot of joy. And that my mom wanted me to be like that too. She, she doesn't want me to sit around and be crying about it all the time. She wants me to go be a mom to my kids and go change the world with my other, with doing fit for mom and changing mom one mom at a time.
Tashina Fritz: 32:01 And that's what she wanted me to do. And so being able to allow myself to honor her and what she would really want me to do and kind of keep that in the back of my mind when I do have those sad days that hey, my mom, she's, she was good, she was wanting to cry. She, she would show her emotions and be like, okay, we, you know, we get it out and then we move forward and, and I feel like I do a lot of the same that she, you know, did and just realizing how much I am like my mom and, and where she taught me these things. And so, I mean, I do it that way then, you know, I'm going to have my sad days and I'm going to allow myself to cry. And my girls know their, like they'll see me kind of really thinking about grandma. Yeah, yeah. Maybe I am thinking about grandma, you know, and, and they know and sharing in that grief with them because they have enough leave too because they lost their grandma. And that was tough.
Tashina Fritz: 32:59 Just that kind of saying, I'm going to carry this grief with the, that I'm not going to let it hinder who I'm supposed to be and the mom that I'm supposed to be to my kids and the fitness instructor to the moms that I teach or the leader to the moms that I teach, and I'm not going to let it be a negative. I'm going to let it be a positive because of my grief, I'm able to lead in this way because of my grief. I'm able to be a better mom and be purposeful in what I do with Michael Hall's, because of my grief, I'm able to put one step in front of the author and use it as a positive and not a negative.
Kat Bonner: 33:52 I think that is like mad new favorite phrase because of my grief, but it is so true and it seems like you know, and I'm sure a ton of people struggle with this. I know that I did as well, but as almost like just expressing your grief, you know, whether it's talking it out or writing it out or whatever, like you have to express your grief somehow to figure out what it is that is going to help you rediscover your identity. And it's like when you figured out that it was going to be, you know, doing the whole fit for mom thing and working with moms that was going to help you rediscover your identity. Yeah. Then you did that, but you had to like talk it through and you had to get help before you knew. It seems like, you know, that's what it was.
Kat Bonner: 34:50 That would help you find yourself again and that's so important. Like grief is not an easy thing to talk about regardless of who you're talking about at with, but it literally just goes to show that like how important it is. I mean, nobody wants to feel like they don't know who they are. I mean, it's bad enough you're in the situation and like once you, and you're obviously not going to be the same person that you were before this happened. No. I think that's also very important to point out, but once you a realize that and be realized that like you're so much stronger of a person and that you and like take pride in the fact that you are who you are because of your grief. That is a very powerful thing. And that is something that people are like you should be proud of because not many people get to say that and yet sucks. Yeah. Like you wish some like, you know, you might wish that you didn't have to go through this to be this kick ass woman that you are, but you know, that's life and you have to make the best out of the hand that you know you have been dealt and you, I'm like, no, you cannot let grief control you. You have to take control of it to get to where you want to be and to find the person that you are meant to be in this world.
Tashina Fritz: 36:20 Yeah, exactly, exactly. And I always tell my clients or use close friends, I'm like, I'm going to talk about, I'm going to blow Kinda, I'm gonna blow grief up because so many people just, they don't talk about, okay maybe if I don't mention her mom then everything will be okay. I'm like, no, you guys talk about it like, and if I start crying it's okay. Like I will cry in form with you because you know what, I'd rather talk about it. And that is more honoring to my mom then shoving it down and not talking about it and I want my clients and my friends to ask me about it because you know what? They are so fortunate that they have their mom but maybe one day they won't and I want them to know that hey, they can come to me because I have gone through it and I am fairly vocal about and and but in and out that I'd do it the right way by any means. But I'm going to talk about it because it is now a part of me and like we say, our identity, like grief is now an identity of mine. A, a new hat that I wear. And I'm going to talk about that hat because it's a big part of my girls. That's okay. Hold on one second. It's okay for
Kat Bonner: 37:48 close the door. We had a big converse. I said you guys have to be quiet and yeah, I don't know. I think it's very important. Like I love how you said, you know, maybe my clients will go through this waltz one day. First of all, I'm not saying that children don't pass before their parents, but regardless, like they will be without their moms, whether they are in heaven or whatever. You believe in, you know, without your mom or whether they are living without their mom one day they're going to be without them. Like death is a part of life. And I think people who have experienced experience as loss just to get, so like what? Like this is the thing, this happens. I'm like, yes. It happens. Like, I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I thought I was invincible. I mean everyone thinks that it won't happen to them, but it's like it's gonna Happen to you and I don't try to be like a Debbie Downer but also tried to be realistic and like I think that's very important to point out to people.
Kat Bonner: 38:53 Like one day you will be without your mom regardless of you are living or not. You know, and actually heard this analogy the other day, one of my friends told me, she was like grief is like the ocean. And I kept thinking and I was like, you know it kind of is and it's weird. I went into like a theme park that weekend. I was like, oh my gosh, a grief is like a roller coaster. And I know it sounds cliche but like, oh some days are up, some days are down, some days you're flipped upside down. Like roller coasters go under water. Some days you're like floating on the water. Some days you're under the water. I'm like, oh my gosh. I don't know. Maybe I'm just weird and like roller coasters. But
Speaker 3: 39:39 it's, it is, it's a up and down, up and down. And, and you know, that's what I recently had a good close client of mine as well as friend. She just lost her step mom to breast cancer and they were really close like as a last week and is going nick, you know, just kind of reached out to her. I'm just like, yeah, ask me questions like lemony or even about hospice and what it looks like at the end. Like trusts me, like ask me, I want to to be an open book for you because you know, I, when I went through it and I didn't have some, like you're like, what is going on? What is all this, you know, and, um, and there's a lot of comfort and you know, going through it with somebody else's, it's also very sad of course. But, um, but just trying to, I'm like an open book with it because grief is crazy and you just don't understand how it goes up and down and how you have good days.
Speaker 3: 40:39 And also the triggers. Like I, I'm trying to explain to people triggers, like, you know, the day of my mom's death, that's a tough day. Mother's Day really sucks. I never really knew how much, like I just kind of shut down for mother's Day. I'm not going to lie. Like I'm like, I can't go to church. I can't, like, it's just, it's a really, really tough day for me. Which is funny because I just really never, you know, you honored your mom on Mother's Day, but you didn't really care that much that it's like a, a hallmark holiday now you're just like, man, this holidays. Yeah, and in your birthday, my birthday, because you don't have that person calling you anymore. Being like, here's your birth story on it and you know, and that,
Kat Bonner: 41:25 I struggle with that, but I'm glad I'm not the only one because my birthday is like harder for me sometimes in my mom's birthday and people were like, you're crazy. I'm like, all right, well, whatever. I guess I'm crazy then.
Speaker 3: 41:35 Well. Well, it's because that was like, you know, I didn't really realize it really until my mom was gone, but like,
Kat Bonner: 41:42 okay,
Speaker 3: 41:42 art, like for my kids, like it's a huge celebration for me cause that's when I had my babies, you know? And it's the same. It's like, gosh, that's something that's fun to celebrate with your mom who, who had you in birth unit brought you into this world. And, and in Christmas of course, all the holidays, those are always tough, you know? And, and so it's explaining to my friend, I was just like, you know, there's times that I kind of disagree.
Tashina Fritz: 42:05 Fear. Like I, I will kind of come a home body and not do, um, things not as active on, you know, in the past
Speaker 3: 42:14 group and stuff like that. And it's just because it's my way of coping with these tough times. And then I'll get back kind of like nothing happened and it's like I just had to get over it. I had to kind of mourn and then, okay, now I'm back, you know? And, but there's those triggers and they just come up and gosh, they'll probably always be there. I assume you know, by, maybe it'll get easier as the years go by, but
Kat Bonner: 42:42 MMM.
Speaker 3: 42:43 Well it's just, it is, it's just tough than there's no, there's no really late. It's
Tashina Fritz: 42:47 lane it to people until they've gone through it. Um, and that's okay. Like I was in the dark for a long time and now I've kind of open to the light of the sorrow of grief and it's, it's a whole new world and it gives you a new perspective and seeing the world through different eyes and how much of the world is grieving and in, and just getting through day to day. And it really gives you lots of empathy for other people, um, in a major way.
Kat Bonner: 43:29 I love how you said that. I think even like, as you know, we go through our own, separate in a grief process and we start to grow. Obviously it's very important one to point out that grief does not end. That's just not a thing. Uh, yeah. But it's also important to know this. I love hearing saying like, you know, you have more empathy. Like when my mom first that I was not empathetic can knock on lie granted. Yes, I think it was because I was the only, I was the first person of like my immediate friend group or whatever, you know, had been through that wall. So I'm like, don't tell me you understand if you lost your great uncle because you don't understand it. So like obviously now I'm, you know, I'm a lot more empathetic, but I love how you mentioned that because it really just goes to show, especially in the beginning stages of grief, the importance of having people around you that can truly understand your loss.
Kat Bonner: 44:34 Like not just say, I understand like obviously everybody's lost story with their mom is different, but like a woman who's lost her mom is a woman who's lost her mom. Like, I don't care how you look at it. And I didn't act like I didn't have that until, you know, I got to college and like once I got to college and realized that there's so many people like me, I was like, Oh my word, this was a night and day difference. But like when you don't have that at first you realize how hard it is. And like when you finally find that, oh my gosh, it's so riveting and you realize how helpful and how healing it is. And even if like you need help and like, you know, especially if like you see other women who have experienced your lost and they're doing well and like getting help from them and seeing that like, hey, they're doing well, I can do well too.
Kat Bonner: 45:33 Let me obviously grief he, and it was very individual but like, hey, what did you do to be in this place? Like maybe I should try what you did. Like maybe I can get some pointers just by talking. Like, it's just crazy and it's so, I find it more comforting to talk and to get help from, you know, women, other women who've lost their moms just because like they're not going to judge you. They're not gonna say that you know what you're feeling like there's literally not going to be like, I understand. I'm not saying that those people who do say that or condescending, but it goes unsaid. You don't have, they don't need to say that. They understand for you to feel like they understand and I just, yeah, I just, I cannot stress the importance of that enough. It's just like finding,
Speaker 3: 46:26 it's just huge. Like that's what I always encouraged people. I'm like, go on that mother and this daughter site to start.
Kat Bonner: 46:31 I mean if it's overwhelming for you, there's plenty of, I think because there's also like 10 trillion groups or something like that. I'm like, that's kind of sort of why I started this podcast. Like if it, podcasts are more of your thing, if blogs are more your thing, like whatever, there's plenty of resources out there for you to find a community with other women who have been through your loss. So like whatever it is that you is your thing like go find it, it's out there.
Speaker 3: 47:04 And you, do you feel like you have kind of this like unspoken bond with people? Like, uh, I have, uh, you know, a good bit of friends now that have lost their mothers and in some that we've come together with because of that, like there's another franchise for fit for mom and Chattanooga and that's kind of how we came together. She shared her story on um, one of our like co fit for mom pages about losing her mom
Tashina Fritz: 47:30 and she's a year ahead of me, um, in her loss. And I like almost immediately reached out to her and I was like, Hey, I mean this is a weird thing, but I lost my mom too. And like, we have this like bond that you can explain because of that, you know, like we might be like completely polar opposite of people, but because we both lost our moms and she lost hers. Um, when her, I think she, she recently had a baby so she had a baby without her mom and walking through that with her and Kinda hearing her talk about that and
Speaker 4: 48:11 okay,
Tashina Fritz: 48:11 we just have this, you know, we can almost just like look at each other and just know I get it, I get that sorrow, I get that, you know, and without even saying anything. And, and I have another friend who, she's kind of a mentor of mine and she lost her mom about the same age as I, but she's 20 years. Fast forward, not quite 20 years, but she is fast forward a bit. Her children were young, like mine where she lost her mom and now her children are graduating high school or college and, and so she's walked it and it's just going through it with her, you know, her talking about it and she's made more progress than even I have in you navigating her grief and just kind of hearing some stories of half she's conquered and still been an amazing mom and still been a successful business woman and hearing that, hey, I can do that. I see you did that. I can do that. And it does. It's just that that's trained solace that you get, um, with that like-mindedness that you have and, and that sorrow that you shared.
Kat Bonner: 49:29 Yeah, it is a small world, that's for sure. And it's so nice. It's like when you find, I know another woman who can relate to your loss, that you literally don't have to feel like you have to talk about it or you have to say everything that comes to your mind. Like you don't have to say like, you don't have to hear them say, I understand. Because you know that they understand and it's like, it's hard to describe, but there's literally just something about it. Like it doesn't matter if you've ever met them. It doesn't matter if you like know them personally. But just knowing and just conversing with them just about everyday life or whatever, knowing that like, oh my gosh, it's so hard. Like I feel like grief and just in general, like a lot of people think that like is this normal?
Kat Bonner: 50:17 Is this like a thing? But knowing and just conversing with other women and realizing that this is a thing, like it's okay if I'm feeling x amount of ways, but if you would just ask a random person who has never lost anything in their life or is never grieved anything, they'd probably be like, ah, I don't know what to tell you. And I'm like, dude, that's not helpful. I appreciate it. But I mean, that just goes to show like when do you need help? That might not be the best person to turn to just say it. But that's just my two sentence. So, yeah,
Speaker 3: 50:54 exactly. I know, I just, I remember really kind of my first stages of grief, yelling, you cry a lot at first of course. And I used to remember where a person was, one of our was with two other women and one of them was like, you know, I just feel like I need to pray for you and just lift you up. And I'll say, can you thank you, I appreciate that. Well, of course, you know, while she was praying, I started crying and the other girl that was there, it was just like, oh, she's crying again. And you're just like, what? Like of course I am like, this is tough. Like, and I just, it, you know, that's like those few situations where those things just etch into your memory and you're just like, what a terrible way to, to respond to somebody crying about their mother.
Speaker 3: 51:38 Like it's just not okay. And, and I think that's why I've also become quite vocal about migraines. There's, because I just, I feel like so many people just don't, you just don't get it. And so let me, let me share a bit of my depth of sorrow that I have because of these things that I, I don't have any more because my mom's gone and that though, yeah. I don't cry about him as much anymore, but they're still very hurtful. But also talking about is honoring and it's good for me and it's healing in a major way. And, and those are those things that, you know, I wish that, yeah, I think that's why another one of my missions or just to like blow the cap off of, of what grief is with other people and talk about it because I like, people need to know like, one, this is one, it's hurtful when you respond that way and to like, this is, this is, it is tough and, and that's okay for it to be tough and it will always be tough. Um, and so, and but you just kind of, one day they'll deal with it and then they will understand. Um, and they're lucky that they don't yet, but don't be mean to us that are grieving.
Kat Bonner: 52:55 Yeah. You're so right. I mean, I just sometimes I don't even know what to say when I meet these people and I wish our world wasn't so uncomfortable talking about grief and death because when you are born that is the start of how long like it will be until you die. And that's like I said, I'm not a negative Nancy, but like depth is a part of life and I don't think people realize that when they're living, which I mean to each their own, but like it's just sad and it breaks my heart how uncomfortable the world is talking about death. And I'm like, no, like it's, that's why, that's why when people experience death, it rocks their world because they act like it can never happen. Right. It doesn't exist. And I'm like, and I don't know. And I guess I was Kinda sorta like that.
Kat Bonner: 53:50 I mean maybe do, they just don't think about it, but like it's just so important to talk about when you're living. I mean like, I'm like, don't think it's ever too young. I'm like, okay, I have a will. Like I'm not thinking I'm going to die today. You, but like in all actuality, like if you have assets and get a will, I mean it sounds, it sounds so silly, but like unless you want to dye it testate or intestate or whatever, I don't even know the crick purposes, but unless you want your assets to go to the state, like, you know, like I don't want that goes the state. Like I do what I want, I want them to be done with it. So yeah, I'm getting on a tangent now, but I mean, yeah, it's just important. So is there anything that like you want to leave with the listeners that just is on your heart or it can be anything about anything. It doesn't really matter.
Tashina Fritz: 54:51 You know, the one thing I think that with just navigation of grief as well as just working with women is we don't hear a lot that we are, we have purpose and we are enough. And that even if you have this depth of grief that takes you where you feel like you can't put one foot in front of the other, you can and believe in yourself that you can. And if you can't do it in your own, cool, ask for help for somebody to take those steps with you and hold your hand because you are not alone in it. And don't hide away in your grief. Don't keep it hidden within your heart and inside. Let it out because you know what the world does need to know and you've matter and enough that there will be somebody to walk alongside you with it and don't believe that lie that you're not worth it.
Kat Bonner: 55:59 Okay. I'm just gonna sit like following Paul from and I was like, I'm just going to sit here and just let that sink in. Let that resonate. I love that you completely just took the words out of my mouth and I'm glad that you were able to pay them. So thank you so, so much. I love getting this.
Speaker 3: 56:23 Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. Anytime I get to talk about that good. I'm like, well maybe I'm just, it isn't it always, it always does. You know? Cause like I, I've kind of talked to that is it's, it's a way that I can honor my mom and that is, that is healing. And that is powerful because she was great. And so why hide it away? Let's still talk about her because yeah, she might not be living, but she's living inside of me and I can keep that
Kat Bonner: 56:55 exactly why you keep your mom alive by sharing her story and by sharing your story. Period.
Speaker 3: 57:01 Yeah.
Kat Bonner: 57:03 Hey friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode. Before you go, I have three favors to ask you. First, I wanted to let you know the I have a Facebook Group for women where we share our day to day stories, challenges, and victories. If you want to come along for the ride, head to Facebook and search for life after losing mom community. Second, if you don't mind leaving me a review and telling me how I've helped you in your grief journey, I would greatly appreciate it. Finally had to katbonner.com/podcast to access previous episodes and subscribe for episodes in the future.
Kat Bonner: 57:55 This has been an OutsourceYourPodcast.com production.
