How To Manage Big Milestones After Losing Your Mom – with Guest Christie Fiori
Welcome to this episode of Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. We’re joined by blogger Christie Fiori, of the blog Healing Through Grief with Christie Lynn, who shares her story of losing her mom and how she’s coping with her loss.
If you’re a daughter who has lost your mom, or you know someone else who is going through it, this episode shines light onto a dark topic and opens the lines of communication for those who are dealing with grieving their mom.
What We’re Talking About
This episode is full of Christie’s wisdom that she’s found after going through her own healing process. Listen along as we touch on these topics:
Stages of Grief
For Christie, her sense of loss kicked in while her mom was still alive and battling cancer. She saw her dad go through a very different process and she shares her own journey in realizing that everyone has their own way of dealing with the stages of grief.
Dealing With Milestones
Weddings, babies, graduation, even starting a new job are all situations that bring grief flooding back. Christie tells us about her experience of getting through life's big moments without her mom.
Accepting Reality
There’s no way around it – life goes on without mom, whether you want it to be that way or not. Christie’s advice shows us how we can accept the new normal – life without mom.
Self-Expression
For Christie, blogging about her grief was therapeutic and gave her a chance to share her story with others. The reaction from the online community was not at all what she expected.
Listen along for Christie’s moving story and advice for anyone who is dealing with the tragic experience of losing your mom. You can also follow her on Facebook and Instagram in the links below, and as always, follow the podcast’s Facebook and Instagram, and click to subscribe.
https://m.facebook.com/christielynnnnn/ https://www.instagram.com/healingthroughgrief/
https://www.facebook.com/katgriefcoach
https://www.facebook.com/groups/lifeafterlosingmom
https://www.instagram.com/katgriefcoach/
Transcription:
Speaker 1: 00:00 And I think until you accept it, you're not able to even start healing.
Speaker 2: 00:04 You're listening to life after losing mom with me, Kat Bonner. On this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their mom and discover the exact coping strategies that you need to get through the day and be in the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode of life after losing mom. Subscribe today. More information can be found at katbonner.com/podcast and if you'd like to join a group of like-minded women, head to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community.
Speaker 1: 00:31 All right. Um, so when I was in college or freshman in college, my mom got diagnosed with cancer. It was super, super set in. Um, one day she came downstairs and the whole right side of her body was numb. Um, they sent her to the hospital and it turns out she had metastatic melanoma and it had already spread everywhere. So basically one day my life was completely normal. The next, um, it was changed completely. Um, she got pretty sick pretty fast. She had a few months that we're okay. Um, but I mean cancer is cancer and she really wasn't doing all that great any of the time. I'm in about seven months. Exactly. From the time that she was diagnosed, she died.
Speaker 2: 01:15 Wow. Okay. Sorry. I want to make sure you were done. I was thinking,
Speaker 1: 01:18 thinking about if I wanted to add more
Speaker 2: 01:22 it's okay. Yeah, there's, I mean all there really is to that. Um, I know that you are pretty open on your blog about, you know, how your mom pass and that sort of thing, like the type of cancer and if I remember correctly it was melanoma. So was your mom like attaining bed user? If you don't mind me asking, like did she get out in the sun a lot? Yeah.
Speaker 1: 01:46 So my mom was actually like the picture of melanoma, um, before she got sick. Like it actually would be a joke. Like I would say like melanoma must not exist because if it did you would have it. And that sounds so stupid now thinking back, but like we had a tanning bed in our house. Like, my mom was a Tan Aholic. Um, in the summer she was outside all of the time. She loved being Tan. Like people used to joke like, oh my God, you and your mom must not even be the same race. Cause like she was like a dark brown all the time. Like she loved being Tan. She thought she liked being burnt. She'd lay outside until she was burned because she knew it would turn to tan in the winter. She'd be in the tanning bed all the time. Um, she actually had melanoma removed from her arm years and years prior that my parents just never even told me about, cause I was young and it wasn't supposed to be anything serious. She was supposed to get it removed and that was it. But apparently it wasn't it in that whole time, it may have been continuing to spread elsewhere and that's when she got diagnosed two years later.
Speaker 2: 02:49 Wow. Yeah. I mean, it's so funny because I think too, like you live up north and I don't, I hear about, you know, that seasonal affective disorder thing and you know, I don't know if your mom had that, but it's just crazy to think how, you know, something that seems so small as melanoma can really not be small. You know? I mean it just goes to show to take everything really seriously. So I guess, you know, you kind of like sort of joked about it per se as you were younger, but was that thought ever in the back of your mind? Like, seriously that your mom might get skin cancer?
Speaker 1: 03:34 I mean, I guess like you just never think something like that's gonna happen to you. And I never really knew. Like people always, like we'll say, had said to me when my mom was sick, like, oh, it's just skin cancer, but like it's not. And to me that's always what I thought. Like, yeah, even if she did get skin cancer, skin cancer, so we'll get it removed and she'd be fine. So nothing serious really ever crossed my mind because until my mom got sick, I didn't even know metastatic melanoma was a thing. I didn't even know people were dying. There was a version of skin cancer or dying from like, that was all completely new to me. Like me and my dad were doing research online after she got diagnosed and we had had no clue that that was even a thing.
Speaker 2: 04:12 Wow. Yeah. I mean, I guess it definitely, like I, you know, you pointed out where you never really think that it's going to happen to you, but I guess it just goes to show how, I don't know if serious anything can be. So how do, I mean, I'm assuming now you probably hae all tanning beds, um, has your view on that really changed because you're the, I think you're pretty fair skin too, if I
Speaker 1: 04:40 yeah. Yeah. So actually before all of this, like I was a Tanner too. Um, I, my mom would drive me to the tanning salon. Um, I tanned in the winter all the time. I hated being pale too. In the summer I would obviously burned pretty easily because I'm very light skinned. Um, now like people know to not even mention the word chanting better around me. Like it makes me so angry. I can't even fathom why people would do it after, especially after hearing my mom's story and like what we went through. But then I guess part of me has to understand that I never thought it would happen to me, so why should anybody else think it's going to happen to them? Um, but it does make me really mad.
Speaker 2: 05:21 Yeah. I personally despise tanning beds. I think they're like just, I mean I'm all for, you know, loving the skin you're in. I know it sounds really cliche and stupid, but especially knowing if you're like already susceptible to, you know, getting some type of skin cancer or skin ailment or I don't know anything crazy like that. I'm not doctor, but I'm like, okay, I'm really not. I already know I'm like super white so I'm definitely not going to do this. Um, right. So would you say you like, what's the court word? Cod and like had any anticipatory grief when your mom got sick or was it all just kind of too fast? Too furious.
Speaker 3: 06:07 Okay.
Speaker 1: 06:07 Oh yeah. So it's interesting because I think me and my dad handles it really different and I think that I was grieving my mom while she was sick. Um, I think I saw it a lot. I'm definitely like a glass half empty kind of person. Like I always prepare for the worst, whereas my dad's super optimistic and always is thinking like the best case scenario of everything. And I spent a lot of time, my mom being sick, like reading up, like what, what it's like when someone starts to die or like the symptoms that somebody is dying or all the statistics of how long people live with metastatic melanoma. Whereas I think when my mom died, my dad was like, oh my God, like this is it, it's done. Whereas I had been getting to that point and really going through [inaudible] grief for a long time.
Speaker 1: 06:53 Um, because in my head somewhere it was, I had already lost my mom. Like so much was changing about her that even though like of course I would have loved for her to be the miracle, it's hard. I don't really think that way. I kind of more of a, I don't wanna say a rational thinker, but I just, in my head I knew that this was going to be the outcome whether I want it to be or not. So I think that that actually helped me in my grief process more so because I was already months ahead of the game when my mom died.
Speaker 2: 07:23 Yeah. I, I mean I like how you mentioned that it's as hard because in a way, man, you know, you can never really prepare yourself for this, but almost, and I would never really have recommend people to be a glass half empty kind of person. But sometimes you do have to be realistic. Right. And I could definitely see how that was very possible, you know, in your situation. All right. So would you say like based on this conversation, I'm thinking like, I guess, right, like when your mom was sick, like the hardest part was like maybe realizing that she was gonna pass, but like, you know, after that like since she's been gone, has the way she gone, you know, really been hard for you or do you got to mask ink?
Speaker 3: 08:24 Yeah.
Speaker 2: 08:25 Like what has been like you chagas you struggled with, you know, when she was sick, like struggled with actually like her being sick and the realization that this is real. But is that still, you know, one of the hardest parts of your grief process or is it had just spend like completely transformative? I think,
Speaker 1: 08:44 um, like while she was sick, what was, it was super hard in the sense that everything we would do, I would have in the back of my mind like this is the last time we're going to do this. Even I didn't actually want that to happen. And I had also in another part of my mind like, okay, maybe, maybe she will live a little longer. Like, maybe we will be another time we do this. But that was always something that I was thinking of and that was in my head during those times. But then after she died it was wow, that really was the last time. And each new thing that happened became then like the first without my mom. So like one, they kind of like, it blends together in a way. I was grieving her when she was still there when it was the last time I was getting to do those things, even though I was in the moment with her. But then as time has gone on and it was the first time I had to have a mother's Day without her holiday, without her go on a vacation without her, it was a whole new heart, like compared to like at least those times where I knew it was the last one. I still at least had that last one. Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: 09:47 Yeah. That definitely makes perfect sense. So kind of seeming like, you know, milestones have been a big struggle with just, I mean, even when your mom was sick, you kind of prepared yourself, it seemed like for a being the last so and so with her and you can kind of sort of mentally like prepare yourself for that. But when they're gone it's like, how the heck do I do this?
Speaker 1: 10:13 Right, right. Like in my head I had thought I had it all. Like I was figuring it out as I went. And then when it actually came down to it and new things that happened out there, it really was like a whole new version of grief. Like although I did some grieving while she was alive, it was nothing compared to how you grieve after your mom's died.
Speaker 2: 10:33 Yeah, 100%. Um, so is there like a certain milestone that you have really struggled with? I mean, Mother's Day is mother's Day, so I don't really consider that.
Speaker 1: 10:48 Right. So that's just the worst day.
Speaker 2: 10:51 Oh, pretty much. But is there like a certain like, I dunno, like maybe like graduation. I don't think you're married or have kids. So that's, you know, not necessarily relevant but yeah, even like the one that was after marriage. Yeah, when
Speaker 1: 11:04 I graduated Undergrad or Grad School. But undergrad was harder obviously cause it was the first really big thing and my mom got sick and died when I was in college and there was a point where I didn't even think I would finish college after that. Like that was the last thing on my mind and I still did graduate in four years. So that was like such a big deal just because not only like everybody in the world was like, oh my God, how did you do that? Like how have you managed to get through this? But it was the first big thing without her. And I think it was even harder because it was the first time I saw my dad express any kind of emotion that it was the first thing of mine that he was going through without her. So on a day that like we should have been so happy, like his daughter's graduating college, I'm graduating college, we were like, we couldn't be the same kind of happy because that person was missing that we should be sharing it with. And who started that kind of journey with us since she was alive when I started college, but not when I finished.
Speaker 2: 12:04 Yeah, that, that makes a lot of sense. So you said yeah, it was your freshman year. I believe we that path yet
Speaker 1: 12:10 sick my freshman year and then she died the fall of my sophomore year.
Speaker 2: 12:14 Okay. So definitely. Wow. So we'll still, you know, pretty fresh when you graduated college too. And I feel like we're Undergrad is always harder than Grad school. I mean, I haven't gotten my master's, but just because you like kind of have more of a choice when it comes to Undergrad and masters, you're just like, all right, I'm going to go where I get accepted at this point. So the parents just seem to be like more involved with that.
Speaker 1: 12:42 Right. And that's always the first big so of like being an adult.
Speaker 2: 12:46 Yeah. And not to mention too, I mean undergrad cubs for Grad schools. So if your mom passes when you're an Undergrad, that's going to be like the first graduation feet without her. Um, so it just all kind, it's like, all right, you know, I made it through Undergrad graduation. Like when it comes time to get a master's or whatever, like the next one should be pretty like, I'll welcome the park compared to this one.
Speaker 1: 13:13 Right.
Speaker 2: 13:14 So, okay. Well I like that you definitely brought up graduation. Um, how did you like cope with, I guess just not just milestones in general. I mean not just, sorry, graduation specifically, but just in milestones in general, you know, and not having your mom. I think that's just something that a lot of women, I know that I've struggled with it. So when you like honor her, I guess,
Speaker 1: 13:41 I think it's one of those things that like you can I say it all, I read about it all the time. At least regular days or regular days. Like you have good days, you have bad days, you go exit as time goes on and you go, you have less bad days and it does seem to get easier as you start to adjust to this new reality. Um, but milestones are one of those things that like always bring it back to the center of your mind. Like you could have had a good day, six months straight and then all of a sudden you started a new job or you graduate or something, something has little at something little or something as big as you're getting engaged or you're going to get married. Like those things are never going to be as happy as they were. For somebody who hasn't been through all of that, especially as like a daughter with a mom, like your mom plays such a huge role in really everything in your life that I think that that's something that just never truly will get easier. So I think just finding a way to try to incorporate her into everything. Like I had pictures of her on my graduation cap or like when I get married. I'm sure I will find plenty of ways to incorporate her into that too. But it's, I think it's just important to accept that never gonna be normal for someone who's gone through something like that at a way younger age than they should and still has all those milestones left. Like it's just never going to be.
Speaker 2: 15:01 Yeah, you're very right. Um, and I mean it's definitely important to find ways to honor her. And I mean that's, you know, very relative to the person. But I think too, just finding that like little something, it's crazy how that in itself is like April to help you grieve and to help you cope with, you know, these milestones. And like I said, I'm sure having a wedding and having children is completely different with doctor mom because that's a very like mother daughter centered, you know, experience. But milestones are still milestones to a certain extent at the end of the day. And it's just, it's definitely important to just try to, I mean, mind over matter. I know it sounds really stupid, but like doing whatever you can, having like a positive outlook and not like dwelling that, you know, letting it, you know, ruin your milestone. Like even if it's something, I mean I guess the milestones can be bad or you know, negative but right,
Speaker 1: 16:15 right. And that's a whole nother, another issue.
Speaker 2: 16:18 Exactly. But just making the effort and being intentional about like trying to just make it one that is memorable and positive and I think I mean milestones or you know, we're going to happen for the rest of your life, but I do think that it becomes less of a chore and like you have to try less to be positive because you just kind of are because you're used to it as you go through milestones.
Speaker 1: 16:47 Right. I think the biggest thing I could do, like really for anyone is you have to just accept that this is your reality and like I think that sometimes that comes off harsh when I say that to people and people like give me that like, like field start feeling bad for me. And it's like, okay, I get it. You feel bad for me? You can't imagine what I'm going through, which is my least favorite phrase because I would never have imagined at either. And what other choice do you have? And I find myself saying lets people all the time, but the point is is your life is going to go on whether you want it to the way it is or not. Like that's what it is. So there's two options. You can either accept it and try to make the best of it or you could let it just ruin everything. So I think the more and more of accepting that, yeah, this sucks and it's not fair. And I don't know why it had to be my family, but at the end of the day like this is my life.
Speaker 2: 17:39 Oh my gosh, you're my soul sister. I love this. It's so true though. And like especially, I mean I guess I, I don't even, I couldn't even count how many milestones I've been through it that my mom like, I don't really think that's relevant. But I mean eventually and I feel like to is with the Undergrad, like or even graduating college, they're normally pretty close to mother's Day and you're like, oh great, Oh la, this is awful. Right. But just really separating like the two or even, I dunno, just like, yeah, having that mindset and realizing that like, you know, this is the way that it's going to be. Like, especially when it comes to milestones like okay, I'm not going to have my mom here for this and like you know that in advance, so what am I going to do about it? I mean,
Speaker 1: 18:36 right. And that's, and that's not being said that's ever going to be easy, but I feel like for the rest of my life these things are always going to be hard and I'm always going to have my little pity party beforehand afterwards. Like that's all part of it. But you have to like differential. Exactly. All the lines somewhere of like, am I going to let this destroy me in ruin this moment or am I going to try to say, look at how far I've come since my mom died. Like, my mom would be so proud. This is awesome.
Speaker 2: 19:06 Yeah, and I think it's very important to, like you said, to realize like how proud your mom would be a view because we often times at least I have, you know, oftentimes forgotten that and just thought about like, oh, like I wish she could be here, Yada Yada, Yada. But I mean like people should be proud of themselves for whatever milestone they're going through. Like just to get to that milestone regardless if they had to really do anything to get to the milestone. I mean, you made it through another day in the life of grieving the loss of your mom. I mean that's something still pretty commendable. So regardless of what it is, it's definitely something, I mean, I'm bad about it too, but it's stuff that's been like I need to instill in my brain, hey, like my mom should be proud of me or my mom is proud of me. I should be proud of me. So let's make this a good milestone despite the situation. And then eventually it just gets easier. You know? It's like, I mean, you kind of have to have the same mindset like each time one of them arises. So hopefully it would become, you know, more second nature. It's still at, and I hate the word easy because I wouldn't say like not having your mom gets easier but you just get more use to it so that it's easier, if that makes sense.
Speaker 1: 20:40 Yeah. No, you just started to adjust to your new normal I think.
Speaker 2: 20:45 Yeah, very much so. So facet of it. I think managing the grief, it's gets easier as you manage it, right. You go through life because that just kind of the nature of the beast. Um, so when you were mentioning like, you know, getting married or having children, have you thought about ways that you would, you know, honor your mom or cope with those days? Like I'm personally a terrified to ever get married or have kids cause I don't know how I'm going to do without my mom and I know that's not the right mindset, but
Speaker 1: 21:22 no, you're right. Somebody actually answer, ask me that question. Um, on a question answer I did on my Instagram a few weeks back and more so like, do you think you'll ever get married because I can't even imagine getting married. And I started thinking about it and I'm like, you know, there's a reason why I'm the way I am. And I always say like, I'm in no rush to get married. Like I'll get married one day maybe or not like I'm okay if I don't have kids. And like I never really, I wasn't like that when my mom was alive. Like I definitely always saw myself like at least getting married and having like a kid or something. But like now it's so hard for me to even wrap my head around that. Like I'm at the age where my friends have started to get married and have kids are here like a few here and there.
Speaker 1: 22:07 But like I've been in weddings and my cousins are getting married and having babies and I'm watching them all do it with their moms. And I'm like, Holy Shit, what am I supposed to do? Like my dad is great. Like, literally, he's the best, but I, I can't even like get through a conversation with my aunt who I'm super close with helping her plan my cousin's wedding without me like wanting to throw a tantrum and screen because it's just like, I can't even imagine like not having my mom to do that. So it's hard for me to even get there and picture what that day would be like because I don't even know, like, again, even try to fathom doing it.
Speaker 4: 22:45 Yeah.
Speaker 2: 22:46 Oh my God. I'm like, so glad you mentioned that. I feel so much less alone and it gets weird. Like I'll look on Pinterest though, you know, ways to honor your mom at your wedding. And it seems so easy. And I have, you know, this crazy idea, like I basically have my dream wedding and plan that probably either never going to happen in nonexistent. I'm like, Oh yeah, like I'm going to sing a song for my mom. Like I'm gonna write one. I don't know, just something super crazy. But when it boils down to it, like no matter where I'm at in my grief, like a mom, if I'm in the best place, like ever, there is no way, I don't think I would ever be able to like emotionally handle that. And that is the day that I supposed to bring such joy and oh boy, how to make that joyful will be very interesting. Right? And if the time comes, but ah, just like, I don't know dude.
Speaker 1: 23:49 Right. And maybe if you're, when, if I was in that situation and close to the point where I was going to be getting married and maybe it would be different and maybe just because I'm nowhere near that place in my life, I think that way. But I've watched, I've been in three weddings now, all of which their mom's played a big role in everything leading up to the wedding. And, but then I watched my cousin got married without her dad and how, how hard that was in a whole way. So, I don't know if I could say like one loss is worse than the other, but I just think like in my reality, it's hard for me to imagine doing it as all I know.
Speaker 2: 24:25 Yeah, absolutely. Oh my word. I get emotional life just at weddings in general. Yeah, me too. I hate that I'm not even super close with. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, if I'm emotional at a wedding of like a family friend that I see once a year, like Oh my word and, and I'm not saying I wish that like, you know, I had been closer to those like milestones in my life when my mom passed, but I feel like, and I could be wrong, but like for a lot of us who were, you know, were maybe younger, I'm like, if our mom passed closer to those times, like if I was already engaged, like my mom had passed, I feel like I would just be so focused. Like I would've been so focused to own the wedding that it might not have affected me that much. And that could be very wrong, you know? But that's just the way that I think about it. Like since it's been years since my mom passed and I'm already like on the road to healing like, uh, weddings, not anywhere in my brain.
Speaker 2: 25:42 I was about to say, okay, that definitely makes sense. Um, and have a kids, Oh my word, I'm not even gonna go there. Uh, yeah, that, that needs episode. Exactly. I'm like, Oh, don't even know if I want to have children for reasons I'm not going to get into. But especially having, oh gosh, having kids about your mom, that just sounds really, really, really terrible. So I hope one day, like I can get out of that mindset almost because I definitely think it is a mindset. But yeah, and like you said, you know, I was never this way either before I lost my mom and I don't like, you know, to blame her death on the things that I believe. But at the end of the day, like me not wanting to get married and me not wanting to have kids, I really think manifested itself from losing my mom.
Speaker 2: 26:39 Right. And that's something, you know, important to acknowledge that obviously a lot of women don't understand, but I'm not even going to bring that voice into this, but a lot of men especially to understand that. So I'm just like, all right dude, like you know, it is what it is. But having, I don't know, I just hope, you know, like our mindsets and just the mindset of people, you know who feel this way too. I'm not saying it's a bad thing if like we feel this way forever, but I hope it doesn't turn into something bad and I don't really know how to like control that to where you know, me not wanting to get married becomes like damaging. And I'm like talking myself out of like getting married when I could very well be dating somebody who I could be married to. Does that make sense? Like I have no idea where that one is. What are your thoughts on that? I guess I just liked it
Speaker 1: 27:50 that and when you get to that point, maybe it'll be different. And I mean, and maybe things have changed and if I do get married, maybe it's not that I'm going to have a big elaborate traditional wedding. Maybe, um, maybe you just need, we just need to work for whatever version of your own, create your own version of that day. Not maybe not what was always in your head because that's just too much about them without your mom. But you could still do that, be happy, be married, have a light, but you maybe can have your own version of that.
Speaker 2: 28:24 Yeah, that's very true. Um, so let's see where milestones, like going through mouse was doctor mom, what really piqued your interest in blogging? Click. When did you start that?
Speaker 5: 28:42 So it was like a total accident. Um, I was in a relationship for quite a while after my mom and I broke up. My mom and I broke up after my mom died. We broke up. Um, maybe a couple of years later, I don't even know all the years start to blend together.
Speaker 2: 28:58 That's what you were dating a guy and broke up.
Speaker 5: 29:01 Yeah. So when we broke up, it was a few years after my mom died. It was terrible breakup, super unhealthy, um, uh, an unhealthy relationship. Um, terrible breakup. Like I was just a hot mess. And that was my first real version of grief after my mom died. Like it was losing this other person who was so important in my life after my mind that had filled so many of those voids for me in different ways. And
Speaker 1: 29:27 okay,
Speaker 5: 29:27 just took, filled, spilled so much of that. So I would just in a really, really bad place and didn't know what to do with myself. And I was scrolling through Facebook one day and I saw an ad for this site, um, pucker mob. I don't know if you heard of it. It's very started blogging years and years ago. A pucker mob. Yes. So, oh yeah, there was an ad for them, like, um, like that you could just share your posts and get them published on this site and whatever, whatever. And I was like, I'm going to write something about my mom dying. Like I always liked to write and I wrote, I wrote this blog post, I post or I shared it with them, they posted it to their page, I shared it on Facebook and I remember I went downstairs to my dad and I was like, I just wrote this blog for this site called pucker mob, like, and I'm telling you about it.
Speaker 5: 30:17 And he's like, what? Like he did, what's a blog like? I'm like, no, like read it. Like tell me what you think. And he was like, wow, that's really good. But like people are going to see that. And I'm like, I dunno, I dunno, but like I felt so good doing it. So I started writing then what it was like to like go through a breakup without my mom and then what it was like to date without my mom. And I started like channeling my breakup to losing my mom and writing. And one day I woke up in this page on Facebook had shared my article who had like 200,000 followers and all of a sudden like thousands of people were reading my article and commenting on it. And sharing it. And I'm like, oh my God, Holy Shit. Like people actually care about what I have to say.
Speaker 5: 30:58 And one thing led to another, I made this Facebook page, it started off as just like my name and I would link it at the bottom of blog posts and people would like it. And then next thing I know, there's thousands of people who are reading my writing and people messaging me from all over the world. And I started, I ended up making my own website. We're actually, um, we know nobody liked rights were pucker mob anymore. There's actually a lot of controversy with them then trying to steal our work and um, use it without our names on it and all sorts of stuff that I won't even get into. So that's when I broke out and wrote my own page. I made my own blog page and it's just really just taken off from there and become like the greatest coping mechanism ever. Um, people, I get messages every day like how people are thanking me for how much I helped them and save their life. And like that's literally what my blog has done for me. So it's just a bonus that I'm helping other people. Like it's, it's now it's become so great to see that I can help other people, but I really started it just to help myself through like a difficult time and find a distraction and outlet.
Speaker 2: 32:07 That's so funny. I love it. I feel like a lot of these things do happen by accident and like it's kind of funny cause the breakup almost was you know, a milestone and you go through something Super, Oh yeah, let's say detrimental like
Speaker 5: 32:21 the bad milestones, like hard. Then you have to go through without your mom, which are like, there's no way to find positivity that's just like an absolute double negative. Absolutely. But if that didn't happen now I don't know if I would say I would never have written anything but maybe I wouldn't have and maybe that was something that needed, I needed to hit a rock bottom and then find this outlet that's become like such a huge part of my life and something. Then this community I've created that I honestly don't even know how has become, I just hit, um, 20,000 likes on Facebook the other day and night was like, it blows my mind at 20,000 people want to read what I have to write and it actually helps them. Oh my God, that was not exactly,
Speaker 2: 33:08 I mean, it's really crazy to think too that there's like 20,000 women. Well, I would think that they're, you know, or 20,000 women who are in our positions. I'm like, oh, okay. Like I thought I was so alone when this happened, but I'm so hot. I mean, granted in my immediate friend group, yeah, it was probably alone, but let's be honest. Right? Even just from the time that like I was in high school when they're going off to college, I mean I could count on two hands literally in four years how many girls that I went to college with who either lost a mom or I lost a dad while they were in college and I was just like a, my mind is blown. I mean I went to an all women's college so that was kind of a given, but still it just like, and I making something you didn't,
Speaker 5: 33:54 you never would have really I think noticed if you didn't go through it. Like I now notice like people who I went to high school with her, I went to college, I'll see it on Facebook and I'll reach out and send them a message. But like if my mom hadn't died, like I don't think that that would've been something that phased me. Like how many people actually go through this? And you're right, my blog is a perfect example and there might be people of all different ages, like I don't know how many of those people lost their mom young. But the point is is there's a lot of people out there who are still struggling with that same loss. Whereas in our own world and our own friend group, like in my community, like I was the girl that's mom died. Like everyone's friends, parents, I'd walk into their house and for years they look at me with that. Like, oh my God, I feel so bad for you face that I just can't stand. But like that's like who we were in our little worlds and like from my little town, not a ton of people had gone through something like that. But in the grand scheme of things, so many people do.
Speaker 2: 34:56 Yeah, absolutely. And like, I dunno, just to think that you know, you're able to help people who might not think that, you know, they might've been in your shoes, you know, not know anybody who has been through the same thing. Like being a small town in essence.
Speaker 5: 35:13 He's like, I get messages like that all the time. Like I had no idea that there were this many people who could follow a page that have all been through this. Like I literally thought I had no one in there is all these people commenting on your posts that are saying the same thing as me and you're writing the thoughts in my head and it's, it's cool. Like it really is.
Speaker 2: 35:34 Yeah. I had like, it's unfathomable. I mean to, and to think that there's like, they think the same thing and they feel the same way and not everybody is able to definitely, you know, put their feelings out there the way that you are and everybody is able to, you know, write about it and speak about it. And it's almost like, okay, seeing somebody who has found their outlet and s found, you know, some source of healing, you know, wherever, however, however you know, that was, it's like, okay, you know, it makes me want to go out there and do it too, regardless of, you know, how I do it and you see that it really is possible, right. Because I love you just pause. Um, because it's like how, I mean, it's so easy to get stuck, you know, in your way isn't, I know to, you know, when you go through milestones or you know, those bad things where you wish your mom was there at the end of the day, it's still brings your grief back and it's still, it's like, okay, just a constant reminder. You know that your mom isn't there and it just goes to show sometimes, you know you have to hit rock bottom, you have to go through something pretty bad without your mom, for you to start your healing process. And I know that's not an easy thing to realize but things much worse than what they are.
Speaker 2: 37:15 You're right. And it's like things weren't really that bad. Well I guess when bad things happen it's like it's not the bad thing that happened. It's just so bad because it reminded me so much that my mom is not here to help me through it.
Speaker 1: 37:34 Right. And something that you always had turned to your mom for in the past. I think that was exactly,
Speaker 2: 37:41 but once you get through that it's like, okay I got through this. I can go ahead and I can get through anything. Right. So it's, do you find yourself like just blogging when you know you like want to blog or when you feel called to like stare like a schedule? I mean I feel like it's just hard cause grief in general is so like unpredictable,
Speaker 1: 38:10 right? Greif has definitely not on the schedule, which his why. Um, my blogs are all over the place. Like one, one week you'll see I broke five times and then I won't write for three weeks and I'll just like reshare older posts here and there. But like when I get an idea like they come whenever, um, something, so smaller conversation with somebody or conversation I have with a patient at work, like triggers
Speaker 5: 38:36 an idea of something I want to write about and I will just put a note in my phone and then as soon as I can get to a computer or at least just type up a draft in my notepad, I do. Um, it happens a lot when I'm working out. Um, when I'm meeting with a patient at work, um, a lot of inopportune times that my brain's working, but I can't like sit down and write right at that moment. So I always just have to like make a note of it and then go back and try to like revisit those feelings. But no, I definitely never plan what I'm going to write. It just whenever something comes to my head,
Speaker 2: 39:09 I think that's important because it literally just goes to show how like you kept playing grief. I mean, I know people probably know that, but to actually have like a platform centered around grief and it's just like, okay, today I'm going to write about grief is very much so, you know, saying what's on your mind and saying how you feel, you know, Yada Yada Yada.
Speaker 5: 39:33 Right. And so it wasn't happening right. When you, um, think of it like you'd be doing it, like it wouldn't be as authentic. It wouldn't like when I write, I just write as like what I'm thinking about at that moment. If you said to me, hey, write about this, I could do it, but it wouldn't be the same because it wouldn't be something I was feeling at that time.
Speaker 2: 39:54 Exactly. And people would be definitely be able to tell. Um, and that's not really going to help people in their grief process. I mean, come on, it's just going to be like stage, so,
Speaker 5: 40:06 right. So I've always from the beginning like made it a point to like just be super authentic. Like I will write posts when I'm, I've had a terrible week and that's why I haven't wrote or like to really just show everybody that I'm human. Like sure I'm a decent writer and people like to read what I write and I have this website and stuff now. But that doesn't mean that there's anything like nice about grief. Like it's all super real feelings and I wrote about the other stuff I go through outside of grief and how it all kind of turns back because the reality is like this is my life, this is your life, this is all of these people's lives and it's not pretty. It's easy. So I'm not going to try to sugarcoat it and make it seem like it is.
Speaker 2: 40:54 Exactly. That's 100% the worst thing you can do. So let's see. I guess my last question, you know about blogging that I could ask, when you first started off to do, find it like hard, I guess to put your thoughts on paper or did you find that it took you a long time to do that? You know, has it gotten easier in that sense as time has gone on?
Speaker 5: 41:24 Yeah, so writing has always been like my natural way of communicating. Um, I've always written, well, I've always journaled after my mom died, I journaled a lot
Speaker 1: 41:34 after me and my ex broke up. I journaled a lot, so I always kind of used writing. I just never did it in a blog sense. I've always been able to like articulate words together, better writing than I am talking. I can just, I just, I've always expressed myself better writing, so it comes so naturally. Like I get an idea and I could write my own the whole blog posts in five minutes and go back and read it and be like, Holy Shit, where did that come from? Because it just, it just comes out. Like I, I was trying to explain all of those feelings talking. You would say, what did you just say? Like it would make no sense just like a bunch of jumble in my head, but it comes out when I write.
Speaker 2: 42:12 Yeah. And that's, that's very important I think for people to like, you know, as they're figuring out what their outlet is, you know, and their grief journey or just figuring out ways, I guess to really express emotions. I think when people come, like when they think about that, they're like, oh, like there's only writing or talking. And I'm like, no, there's definitely a whole bunch of, you know, other creative ways you can do that. So definitely I've definitely recommended people like, Hey, pick something that comes naturally to you and you know, do people tend to like realize it, you know, pretty quickly because if it comes natural to you, it won't be like hard. At least the actual action won't be hard. Like actually writing for you isn't a huge feat. So I feel like that almost makes writing about grief less difficult because you're good at writing,
Speaker 1: 43:11 right? Yeah, no, it's super therapeutic. There's nothing that's like a task about, if it was, I wouldn't do it. I mean, exactly. I enjoy it. It helps me, it helps other people. It's honestly just like a win win.
Speaker 2: 43:24 I'm so glad you found that. Great. Um, so most people probably know like where are you like active on Instagram, you know, your Facebook groups. Do you just post your blog posts to there?
Speaker 1: 43:38 So I recently made an Instagram attached to my blog. Um, I'm working on developing its healing underscore through grief. Um, cause my page is healing through grief with Christie. Um, I post a lot on my Chrissy Lynn Facebook page, but I also run the Facebook page. That's, I am a motherless daughter. Um, that's mine. And then,
Speaker 2: 44:01 oh, the, I'm a motherless daughter is like the one that you created. I have to look that up. There's so many of those.
Speaker 1: 44:07 Yeah. There are daughters. And then things, the one that's my mom is in heaven, a girl. Um, Danielle started and now me and another blogger, uh, run the page with her. So I guess I kind of am involved in three pages on Facebook, mine plus two others. And then I have an Instagram too.
Speaker 2: 44:30 Yeah, that's awesome. I'll put that, um,
Speaker 5: 44:32 in the show notes, I know a lot of like just from being active in, you know, the community and I bought, maybe community is the wrong word, but being active in like this, the same women you know, that are in our shoes. I see a lot of like them share, you know, your blogs and the group and it totally just dawned on me when I'm reading your blogs, like it says like the resources for, you know, losing a mom or whatever. Um, it said like those Facebook pages and I've totally should have realized that. Like you created those and I'm sure, well you are mine, a few or some just ones I found motherless daughters on Facebook is my favorite. It has like a million bajillion people who follow it. Um, oh yeah. I think every mother daughter on the planet follows that page. Um, and then there's another one. I link all sorts of things. I find people will send me one sometimes like, Hey, can you share this? Um, I make sure I like it first because I'm not just going to share anything. I want to make sure it's beneficial to people. But yeah, there's links to all sorts of stuff.
Speaker 2: 45:38 Oh, cool. Well I will definitely include that. Um, is there anything else that you want to leave the listeners that can just be anything related to losing your mom or grief related?
Speaker 5: 45:54 I think we've covered all, all the big stuff.
Speaker 2: 45:58 Um, so his mindset, definitely something that you've realized it's important. I guess not maybe mine says the wrong word, but like realization of your regality that seemed to be the whole like, you know, backbone of this episode conversation.
Speaker 5: 46:17 Yeah. Yeah. I mean I think, um, for a long time, I mean, I did it, I think everyone's guilty of doing it. Like you live in a lot of denial that you haven't accepted your reality. And I did a lot of that for quite awhile before I got to a place where I was ready to fully accept it. And I think until you accept it, you're not able to even start healing. You don't, maybe you start grieving when that person dies, but I don't think you actually start to heal until you have fully accepted it. And for me that was when I was able to finally write about it and put it on a piece of paper, um, and show it to other people on. It was when I finally decided to go to therapy. It was when I decided to finally sit, like tell people my story and reach out to other people who had lost a parent. I think for awhile it was like, yeah, I was the girl without a mom. But I was doing just not so great coping mechanisms to deal with it and not addressing what was important. And I think until you address what's important, you can't fully even start to even try to heal. You're just grieving. You're not healing, which is why my page is called the landing through Greece.
Speaker 2: 47:25 That's so important because people don't really realize like you can heal through this and they're two separate things that actually meshed together. But it's possible. And you know, and it's also I think important too, I guess I'll like leave off with this, but people understand that you're going to be grieving for the rest of your life. But I also think too, that people don't really realize that you're going to be healing for the rest of your life too. Like you're not ever fully healed. Like it's not like that process stops because as long as you're healing, you're grieving. Right, exactly. Okay. Um, I was like, maybe I was like, I could be wrong. I could just be a very, no, no, that was good thoughts. Good. Okay. Thank you. I, and that's important to know too. I mean, it's like, okay, you can then focus on the healing and not just focus on the grieving. Like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. It's like pretty encouraging and crazy to see like that sometimes could be like what gets people through the day, like knowing that healing is there.
Speaker 2: 48:42 So you're cutting off, oh, sorry, I didn't hear that whole last sentence by senior you now it's just crazy to think that like, you know that can get you through the day. Like realizing that despite the grief you can heal row whether you blog were just talk about it or write about it or you know whatever you do. Even if you don't really, even if you have a boundary Allie yet, but just knowing that it's not going to be, you know, miserable forever. Right. And I think it's important to just know that acceptance is the first part to yelling. Yeah, you definitely cannot heal. Personally, I don't think until you have accepted your grief, but that's a whole other topic. Right. Gotcha. Thank you so much for being on the show. Oh my goodness. This has been like a dream come true. Since my mom died, I was like, Oh my God, I love this girl.
Speaker 2: 49:46 She is like my soul sister. Well you are so welcome. Thanks for having me.
Hey friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode. Before you go, I have three favors to ask you. First, I wanted to let you know about the Facebook Group for women where we share our day to day stories, challenges, and victories. If you want to come along for the ride, head to Facebook and search for life after losing mom community. Second, if you don't mind leaving me a review and telling me how I've helped you in your grief journey, I would greatly appreciate it. Finally had to katbonner.com/podcast to access previous episodes and subscribe for episodes in the future.
