Day #4
What I Learned ~A Ramadan Series
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"I wish I was dumb."
"Sometimes I wish I could just go back to not knowing."
These are statements I hear a lot in my sessions.
⇢ Sometimes in life, we may feel like we know too much for my own good. And now that we know it, we can't un-know it, and that feeling can hurt us.
Here is what I learned:
When we start becoming more aware of things about ourselves; why we act certain ways, why we don't do what we say we will, etc, even awareness about others, in the beginning, can feel painful. It's a normal part of the process and I'll tell you why in a little story.
When I first started studying and getting into psychology I would buy books on the topics that I really wanted to learn more about but also didn't really want to know at the same time (I was terrified to the point where my mind would race and I couldn't sleep at night).
I remember this one book I bought on anger, I read one chapter and put it away for a whole year before I had the courage to read the rest.
Coz I wasn't ready for the change it required me to make.
So I can totally relate to the feeling of not wanting to know better..
Say for intense I realize I have a tendency to avoid things. Yes, it may hurt me that I engage in this behavior but it's also easier (or at least seems easier in the moment) for me to pretend like I don't know (this is where the feeling "I wish I could un-see it" comes in.)
Here is the truth, knowing and awareness is a gift-it is.
Even the trigger inside of us that tells us that something is wrong or something could be better ( we could be better) is a gift.
As long as we are alive, God has hope in us and it's because of that He keeps sending us triggers (آيات) to guide us to a straighter path. Helping us grow in new ways.
When I think of this aya (verse in the Quran):
"ولا أقسم بالنفس اللوامة"
The Creator swears by the part us that He put in all of us Muslims and non-Muslims that triggers when we do something wrong. That part of us that feels shame and guilt.
When that feeling pops us we have two choices:
1- we either listen to it and change our stories
2- we don't listen
When choose not to listen, we then have to numb ourselves to stop feeling the triggers (the shame and guilt Allah put in us and swore by). And we do that through entertainment, drinking, smoking, people, etc. Anything to numb it.
And God will keep showing us mercy by giving us that voice inside of us that will keep calling us as long as we're alive.
I'll be honest with you, it is a hard feeling.
So we do more numbing and we build more layers. And the more layers we build the harder it may seem for us to go to the core of it and change our stories.
Here's a secret:
the real reason people don't want to listen is because they don't want to change. Change is scary. For a person that's used to avoiding things, change might mean letting go of the thought that "there is nothing I can do about stuff" to make room for new thought "I can make choices and be an agent in my story"... that can be a very scary thing.
It requires you to be different and act differently. And yes, you'll have to go through some ugly feelings to build a new self.
Here is what I want to invite you to do the next time you go through these feelings:
1- Pause
2- Acknowledge that the voice (feeling) is there
3- Be grateful that the voice within is still calling you (God still has hope in you)
4- Change your story. And by that, I mean act in the way that would break the pattern and show that your grateful for that voice inside.
