Today's Aya:
إِنَّ الْإِنْسَانَ خُلِقَ هَلُوعاً * إِذَا مَسَّهُ الشَّرُّ جَزُوعاً * وَإِذَا مَسَّهُ الْخَيْرُ مَنُوعاً * إِلَّا الْمُصَلِّينَ* الَّذِينَ هُمْ عَلَى صَلَاتِهِمْ دَائِمُونَ
Two nights ago, I was making pizza, My husband came home from work and asked me if I will forget the pizza in the oven. I told him I won't.. well I did and I burned it.
When my husband asked me about the pizza the first reaction that I wanted to say "you didn't remind me!"
Sounds familiar?
But I also remembered one of the biggest things I learned the last couple years, when I start judging others and trying to look and find fault in them then I'm probably doing it to protect myself from feeling shame myself.
Coz it is a hard feeling! It really is!
So we throw shame onto each other.
A few weeks ago, I went through a really strong shame storm (thank you Brene for giving me this word!), my the first reaction was wanting to call my husband and throw it on to him. And you know we tent to want to throw it to the closest people around us, husband, wife, mother, kids, etc anyone else but me. It's not me-it's them. I'm clean. I'm a good.
That's when I remembered the aya:
إِنَّ الْإِنْسَانَ خُلِقَ هَلُوعاً * إِذَا مَسَّهُ الشَّرُّ جَزُوعاً * وَإِذَا مَسَّهُ الْخَيْرُ مَنُوعاً
In that moment I was in حالة جزع I couldn't control my emotions...I also remembered the rest of the aya:
* إِلَّا الْمُصَلِّينَ* الَّذِينَ هُمْ عَلَى صَلَاتِهِمْ دَائِمُونَ
⇢ Sometimes in life, we are going to find ourselves in a hard situation with a lot of shame and guilt and we're gonna want to project it onto others in order to be able to say to ourselves " it's not me-it's them". Our identity feels safe.
Here is the thing,
Self-regulation isn't about putting our feelings and emotions in a box and pretending like it doesn't exist. It's about in the moment being:
1- aware of what we are feeling (okay I'm feeling shame and I want to throw it onto someone else)
2- In the same moment being able to put words to what we feel and need
"When this happens_______ I feel ________ I need________."
So if you're angry it may not necessarily about putting anger away but putting words to it to communicate it.
Not in a state of جزع anymore. You're not in reactionary mode but in a place of awareness and being able to make sound choices.
-How to get there??
* إِلَّا الْمُصَلِّينَ* الَّذِينَ هُمْ عَلَى صَلَاتِهِمْ دَائِمُونَ
those whoa re constantly in prayer.
I want to leave you with this thought by Brené Brown, the pioneer in shame an vulnerability in her book Rising Strong:
“No regrets" doesn't mean living with courage, it means living without reflection. To live without regret is to believe you have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with your life. ... "
Tomorrow we're gonna talk about those moments when we need to make hard choices, stay tuned.
Noorah
Recommended read:
• Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
Sound Credits:
A Good Heart
Album: Unconditional
Artist: Marc Enfroy
