Show Notes:
We are into our latest series on detangling identity and we’re going to talk today about building balance.
Here is the thing about balance: life balance is not a fixed point. Life, and people within life, are never fixed points. We are always changing and adapting. Life is always moving and flexing. Ebbing and flowing. Think of it a bit more like balancing on a stand up paddle board on ocean waves. You might find a balance at one moment when the waves are calmer and the water is more still, but then the wind picks up, the waves hit a bit harder and each moment is effort to find and re-find balance under the fluctuating conditions. The tricky thing about building balance in our lives is we won’t ever be done with it. It isn’t a one and done. We won’t find this wonderful balance point and be able to just ride that out indefinitely. Life will come along and give us some waves, and we’ll need to re-adjust and re-discover balance all over again.
I know that likely sounds a bit daunting, and I’m not going to lie, it can be. But here’s the good news – once you build balance that feels good to you, most of the adjustments will be tweaking. Like the stand up paddle board – it’s starting that’s the hard part. It is learning to find your centre and strengthening your body to remain centred in moving conditions that is difficult. Once you get used to it, get good at it, the adjustments are pretty small tweaks moment-to-moment to respond to fluctuations in the water conditions.
As we look at detangling our identities from our profession, we need to focus on building balance so our identities are an amalgamation of who I see myself to be in various diverse parts of my life. Last week I suggested thinking about this like investment banking. When we build our identities in exclusive ways, like into our profession, or another common one is into our role as parents, and tie them to things that invariably come to an end or can be pulled out from under us, we put all of our eggs into one very janky basket. So then, if I’m off work, or I retire, or my kids leave home, my sense of self feels jeopardized because that basket just got yanked and my whole self is tanked without it.
In investing they talk about diversifying your portfolio. Financially is isn’t wise to take your hard earned money and put it all in one company’s stocks. Because if that company takes a hit, you are along for that ride in a very deep way. The recommendation is to spread what you want to invest into a few areas so that if one takes a bit of a hit, it’s likely counterbalanced by something else that’s doing well, and over time you can better ride the ebbs and flows that are a natural part of the market, coming out ahead overall. The same theory is true for us as people. We need to conscientiously and intentionally diversify our personal portfolios. We need to invest our sense of self into differing areas so that if I’m off work for a stretch of time, the part of me that feels tied to that is supported by other things that also and equally meaningfully define me.
So, where do we invest ourselves to be able to achieve a greater return on our investment? How do we do this whole diversified portfolio thing for our own personal balancing act?
It starts by cultivating interests and prioritizing time to be versions of ourselves that feel good, affirming, meaningful, and so on. Dr. Kevin Gilmartin, who literally wrote the book on emotional survival for law enforcement and whose work extends into most first response and front line work experiences, talks about “I usta syndrome”. That before the job officers tend to have a lot of friends, hobbies, interests, activities, and so on. But then, as they pour into the job and start spending more time with work-mates doing work-related things, they invest more and more into their work lives and less and less into their personal life roles outside of t he work. So it becomes, “I usta fish, I usta go out with friends, I usta go camping” and so on. What did you usta do? What used to mean something to you? What used to feel fulfilling or interesting to you? What have you always been curious about trying but never done? What was your favourite thing to do as a child? What do your friends like to do that you could get into with them? What does your partner or your kids like to do that you would be up for participating in?
I was reading an article written by psychologist Dr. Rachelle Zemlok (link below), and in it she shares this story:, “Joel Fay (Retired police officer, founding member of First Responder Support Network and lead clinician at West Coast Post Trauma Retreat) was quoted stating ‘As I stood there an image came to mind, that of a roof being supported by a single pillar. If that one pillar were removed the entire roof would collapse. But I had a lot of pillars in my life besides work. I had friends, family, volunteer work, sports, and many other interests. I could afford to lose this one pillar. At that moment I knew I was going to be OK.’”
That’s what we’re trying to do here. We’re trying to be intentional about building up other pillars to support the weight of life. Work is a pillar. It is an awesome pillar. We can get a lot out of our work and it does get to be a facet of our identities. But that’s where we need to be conscientious – am I allowing it to be a facet or have I defaulted into making it the whole shebang?
If we are identifying that we need some additional pillars and that we need to work at building in some more balance, there is going to be a temptation, and it’s the tendency to go to extremes. As we recognize the risk we’re at by making work the fullness of who we are, we are likely to try to swing to the other extreme and try to build 5 new pillars at the same time. That won’t work, and here’s why – people suck at sustaining extremes. So yes, you’ll join a gym and you’ll book a camping trip and you’ll buy some fishing gear and you’ll pick up knitting, and , and , and…and then you’ll likely fall off of doing all of it because it’s too much too fast. Start small, make it incremental, and recognize that building things…anything…doesn’t happen overnight. Like we said at the start, balance is not a one and done fixed and move on kind of issue. If we pile on too much too quickly, it will feel like that huge wave that came out of nowhere and rocks us off balance and tosses us into the ocean. If we can do it a little at a time, it’s like the smaller waves that our bodies can have a chance to be responsive to adapting to a little bit and a little bit. If you want to start working out more, don’t sign up for a marathon – start by going for a walk on your lunch break a couple times a week. If you want to volunteer don’t sign up to some kind of weekly commitment, but maybe agree to help out occasionally here and there. And don’t commit to things in diverse areas all at the same time. Space it out, see how it feels to add in a thing then another thing and let yourself notice the balance before adding anything more.
When you are considering what pieces to add in, focus on your values. Many of us commit to the work because we value helping and caring for people and making the world a better place. That’s a cool value, but one that can also get draining if we’re not careful. Get curious and creative about ways to lean into this value without depleting yourself. For example, my grandma knits mittens, toques and scarves for homeless people. She does it at her own pace while she watches the news and sips her coffee. It is a hobby she enjoys that she is able to turn into something that contributes toward a value and that she feels passionate about. If we value time with o...
